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This is whatJesy Nelsonhas always wanted.
Or rather, her old one.
(The shedload of axed contestants were rarely told why.)
Backstage, producers tried piecing her together with otherrejected soloists to form a group.
I was always in and out, in and out, she says.
There was one group that felt the most natural to her, though, where her role was clear.
I was with a load of boys, and I was meant to be the Fergie, she recalls.
Still, she says she enjoyed the years they spent together up until she didnt anymore.
A decade later, Nelson wants and is finally getting a do-over.
Dont get me wrong, I obviously loved being in the girl group, it was amazing.
But unless youre my friends and family, you dont properly know me.
My passion is R&B and hip-hop from the 90s and early 2000s.Thats what I grew up on.
Its the music Ive always wanted to make, so it feels quite liberating.
I just kept going and going.
But thats what was making me so depressed.
I wasnt looking after myself.
I feel like a weights been lifted off my shoulders now.
For the first time in ten years, Im in control of my life.
I couldnt take a day off.
I didnt have the choice of waking up and saying, You know what?
I dont want to do that today.
I had three other people to think about.
When we were in lockdown, I had time to myself and it was the happiest Id ever been.
Jade, Perrie, and Leigh-Anne couldnt wait to get back to work and I was dreading it.
My heart felt happy, but when I went back to work I felt miserable.
I knew it wasnt right.
Had you started envisioning what your solo career would look like before that moment?Never!
Speak to Jade, we could never imagine us not being together.
If [someone] ever spoke about it, me and Jade would be petrified at the thought.
It was March this year.
That was when I first wrote the single.
I went into the studio and wrote the first single.
I kept going in and more songs kept coming.
I knew it felt right, like it was meant to happen.
Were you alone in those feelings?No.
Wed obviously been [with Syco]since we were, like, babies.
Everyone was so invested in us, and the team had become like our family.
Everything wed ever made, they were so passionate about it.
We were getting given songs and, for me, I didnt feel like it was true Little Mix.
We were being told, Go on this [track] because its gotthisperson on it.
I want to love a song and believe in it.
And I was always very vocal about how I felt.
If I didnt like a song Id be like, Im not going on this.
Im a very honest person.
I cant be fake.
But now Ive got the most encouraging team.
I wake up every day knowing I have people who believe in me.
Nelsons breaks from the public eye are well-documented.
Her moving and warmly received 2019 BBC documentary,Odd One Out,follows her through recovery.
She has since left Twitter.
Youre always the baddie if yourethe first person to go.
I was just thinking no one would get why I left.
But my sister told me to turn them on because people were being so nice about it.
I turned them on and I cried.
I couldnt deal with being in a girl band.
Thats what was mentally fucking me up.
Constantly getting compared 24/7; thats what I struggled with.
That, paired with not having control over my life.
It was like I was a robot with no feelings.
It was like I was disregarded as a human being.
Until youve experienced being in that position, no one can ever say anything.
Its one of the hardest fucking things Ive ever experienced in my life.
I can genuinely say that.
Of course, Im going to have days when I struggle.
But what I do know is that Ill never go back to feeling how I did in the group.
The X Factorwas the root of the trolling for you.
They werent the best with their duty of care for people.
It ended when it needed to.
Its done all it can.
The show must go on?
Its not the way forward.
What is your relationship like with social media now?Im hardly ever on it, which I love.
Im a lot more private.
Ive become really close to so many of them.
They confide in me a lot when theyre struggling.
You have direct conversations with them?All the time.
Some new, but some of the fans I speak to Ive known for years.
Theyre just so sweet and so kind.
Theyve got me through some of my darkest times, so I know I owe them a lot.
To check in on them after what theyve done for me.
Does your team have access to your social media?They do, but I mostly post myself.
Im a self-destructive person.
But I dont feel like that could ever happen.
I really, really dont.
I know the people Ive got around me now.
Do you feel protected now?Yeah.
I cried for a month in the studio.
Then theres just some bangers!
Shes so real, and Im big on that.
Its weird to find that in this industry.
And shes the best.
I thought,Theres no one more perfect for this song.
I screamed when I heard [her verse]!
I always knew I wanted her on it, because shes the queen.
I just love her so much.
Everyones entitled to their own opinion.
Shes there to be on my song, to do her part.
Shes literally made my song even better.
Thats nothing to do with my song and what were doing together.
Standing solo now, whats the mood?Good nerves.
Ive been so honest on the songs.
Ive been through the toughest breakup and told all the stories I wanted to tell.
If it did go wrong, Im okay with that.
[After leaving Little Mix], I remember being terrified thinking about what I wanted to do.
My mum was like, Why dont we move to Cornwall and get a tea shop?
and I was like, Mum, I dont think thats realistic!
Performing was my thing, so to not do that again saddened me.
I couldnt let that experience[in the group] take that away from me.
And then I came out of [the band] and people all of a sudden were saying it.
But I mean, like, I love Black culture.
I love Black music.
Thats all I know; its what I grew up on.
Im very aware that Im a white British woman; Ive never said that I wasnt.
Do you feel like youve changed the way you act or dress?No, not at all.
Im just 100 percent being myself.
Now Im out of Little Mix, Ive gone back to being who I am.
Dont be a part of my journey.
Nelson canceled two scheduled follow-up calls to discuss Blackfishing and identity in greater detail.
Im still learning, and Im gonna make mistakes and go through shit.
Thats just part of being a human being.
Do you feel less self-conscious now about your celebrity?I used to hate it.
I couldnt ever go out.
What changed that?Definitely getting older.
Ive got more confident with age.
Doing my documentary, too.
Ive openly spoken about my struggles even just getting that off my chest has made me more confident.
I dont feel like Im hiding something anymore.
That helped me with my anxiety.
And also just doing me.
[In the past,] I wasnt really true to myself.
Id bruised my ribs trying to make myself look skinny.
Now, I just live in tracksuits and baggy clothes because thats what Ive always wanted to wear.
Ive gone back to how I used to be beforeThe X Factor.
That feels really good.
Her musics fucking brilliant.
And shes really come into her own as a solo artist.
That this is the true Jesy Nelson.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
