Vanderpump Rules
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This is what we all came for, people.
This is where I live.
When I die, this is where I want my soul to go to stay forever.
Either there or the UCLA mens water-polo teams locker room.
Its really a toss-up.
The episode starts off with two perfect metaphors for whatVanderpump Ruleshas become.
There are two big fights on the trip.
When they all arrive at the hotel, Sandoval pulls Stassi over and apologizes.
As he rightfully declares, Stassi loves a good apology.
She likes to just soak in it, like the last bit of banana in a melted sundae.
This is not the kind of apology shes getting.
But how was Stassi supposed to know that?
This is entirely a Sandoval problem, which he projected onto her.
For the first time ever in her entire life, Stassi is completely and utterly in the right.
First of all, this is not really Beaus place.
She is a big girl with an even bigger mouth; she can handle her own.
Beau getting involved in this is just adding to the overall group messiness of a very easy dispute.
Also, she wouldnt even have been yelling at him if he hadnt yelled at her first.
God, no one has ever been as wrong as Sandoval.
Ariana and Katie also get pulled into this argument.
Ariana is mad that Stassi yelled at Sandoval (though she concedes that his rage texts were inappropriate).
Katie is mad that Ariana said the problem with the whole thing is that Schwartz is incompetent.
Isnt he getting paid the same regardless of how long he works?)
When the revolution finally comes, the first business to topple will be Hudson News.
Yes, this fight drags on and on, and it is dumb.
How many sex toys does one man need?
(This recap is now part ofthe Strategist.)
But a whole box?
How many dongs does one person need?
Ugh, this fight.
Its like a cold, wet swimsuit; I do not want to get into it again.
Well, Brittany is mad at Kristen because shes trying to ruin her bachelorette party.
It started the night before, when all the women went out wearing tacky wedding dresses.
(Bachelor and bachelorette parties are a scourge and a national nightmare.
They had the same message the previous weekend for a friend of one of Brittanys muggles from home.
This scene should be shown in every high-school health class as a PSA against tequila shots.
I bring this up only to talk about how good Lala looks on that boat.
Oh, and her red eyeliner?
And whoever did her hair?
Lala, we have to stan.
She has the range.
We love to see it.
Im bitches, etc.
Things went much more smoothly for the guys, who just went to a strip club.
I have to give the editors mad props for two things this episode.
Sandovals face screws up so much it threatens to pop off his fake mustache.
Wheres the girl?, Sandoval asks.
Schwartz pushes Sandoval back so that he lands on the love seat with a squishy thud.
He starts undoing the buttons of his shirt.
There is no girl, he says, pulling out his shirttails and unbuttoning his pants.
Schwartz gets up on his knees so his crotch is just inches away from Sandovals mouth.
Lucky for you, I go a lot further than most of these ladies, Schwartz says.
And Im cheaper, too.
