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But on each of these trips, something has followed me no matter where I go.
Something I never asked for.
Every time I get into the car, its there.
It appears, unsolicited, to spoil the beauty of the winding roads surrounding Minnewaska State Park.
On a quiet, early morning drive to the farmers market, it returns.
It is …
…U2s 2014 albumSongs of Innocence.
The crowd laughed, apparently digging the cheesy vaudevillian bit.
There was media blowback;Wireddescribed the release as spam with forced downloads.
[But some] people were like, Hey, Im dairy-free.
So, you know, apologies for that.
When I heard about the removal tool I cockily thought,Why bother?
Ill never see this thing anyway.
I would come to regret that.
And as much as I love Huey Lewis, The Heart of Rock & Roll has its limits.
It saved me from the shame of hearing the first track of theCharlie Brown Christmasalbum for the 700th time.
But one album remained:Songs of Innocence.
It was a gift from Tim Cook and Bono.
And due to some quirk in iTunes, it was unkillable.
The pandemic was the breaking point for me.
Trips outside of the city had to be carefully choreographed for safety and sanity.
Every minute was scheduled to offer the precise respite I was looking for.
Shed pull open Google Maps as I started the car and rolled down the windows.
Suddenly, the calm afterglow of an exhausting hike would be dashed by percussion and chanting.
It was U2sSongs of Innocence, back again to terrorize us.
Its possible that the whole album might be a triumph on the level ofAbbey RoadRolling Stonesure thought so orDAMN.
Ive listened to the first ten seconds of that first track hundreds of times.
Those ten seconds play out the same way every time:
[First two seconds.
]Wait, whats that noise?
[Third second.]OH!
[Final seven seconds.
]Me scrambling for my phone to shut it off.
In September 2020, upon returning from the latest trip, I hit rock bottom.
I decided I would do everything in my power to remove this album from my life.
It was in that moment of exasperation that I discovered Apples removal tool was no longer functioning.
Even if I delete it, it rises like a phoenix on every new iOS equipment.
Apple tech support person:Which album?
Me:Uh … its calledSongs of Innocenceby U2?
Apple tech support:Oh … okay, just one minute.
[30 seconds later.]
Huh, so its not actually allowing me to remove it.
Me:[Dear God, this will never end.]
Oh, huh, thats weird.
Apple tech support:Im not really sure.
Let me put you in touch with my manager.
They forward me on to their supervisor.
Apple supervisor:Sorry, but we cant actually remove that album.
It was a gift.
Me:[Im sorry?]
Apple supervisor:It was a gift.
Its a gift that comes with every phone, so you cant delete it.
You know how you cant delete the Messages app?
Same thing here, it just comes with the phone.
Would you be able to remove that?
Apple supervisor:Oh, yes, we can remove that no problem.
Me:But not this?
Apple supervisor:No.
Apple supervisor:Thats funny, I actually really like the album!
Me:[Patiently.]
Yeah, Im sure the album is great.
Its more that its sorta forced upon me.
Apple supervisor:Yeah, I know what you mean.
A lot of people call in about it, they have a problem with it.
I think theyll fix it eventually.
I dont think youll be stuck with it in ten years.
I think theyll fix it.
Me:[Dejected.]
Alright, thanks for your time.
What will the world be like in 2030?
Will it be a post-pandemic utopia?
Will the iPhone 22, with its lavender-scented aromavision, revolutionize the ocular cybermod marketplace?
Its hard to say.
But at least, I thought, I know what Ill be listening to.
I leave out the album name in the hopes that maybe she wont dismiss me offhand.]
Apple tech support No.
2:Thats funny!
I used to have CarPlay in my car and I used to sing a lot of karaoke.
I used to sing that song, Aint No Mountain High Enough.
So every time I got in the car, that annoying karaoke version would come on.
You know, like [singing]bingo bingo bingo bah bingo.[Laughs.]
Im like,Is this the most annoying thing or what?
Me:[Unironically loving this moment.]
Apple tech support No.
2:But I never really looked into it, so I see where youre coming from.
Me:Yeah, so is there anything that can be done to remove it?
Apple tech support No.
She can actually remove it?]
[Hope is brimming.]
So … under Library it saysSongs of Innocenceand its got, like, a cloud arrow pointing down.
I just want to remove it from my account so it doesnt keep syncing with my iPhone.
Apple tech support No.
2:Oh, I see!
Is it that U2sSongs of Innocencealbum?
Me:[Uh-oh.]
Yeah, that one.
Apple tech support 2:Oh!
Me:[Im doomed.]
Apple tech support No.
2:But now we have the option to just remove it for you.
Would you like us to do that?
Me:[!!!]
It was like a gifted album.
Me:[Traumatic flashbacks.]
Yeah, I remember.
So it became a thing.
So I went ahead and removed it from your account.
Me:Oh terrific, so it just wont show up anymore?
Apple tech support No.
2:[Reading from her screen.]
Yeah, it says U2sSongs of Innocenceremoval queued.
So it should be gone.
Me:[Internally screaming.]
Well, thank you so much for your help!!!
Apple tech support No.
2:[Laughing at my enthusiasm.]
Thank you, Russell, youre the best.
Have a great weekend, okay?
Hell yeah, I will.
