In which Hunter Harris attempts to exorcise the movie quotes haunting her brain.
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Up till now, I have used this column for (mostly) chaotic good.
I have written about lines thatmake no senseand lines thatmake too much sense.
Today I have decided to use this column for not-good some would even say evil.
We are talking aboutCloser.
Its hard to explain how this movie lodged itself in my subconscious.
In 2004 I was, according to my records, 10 years old.
(This was back when I took the Golden Globes seriously, asonly a child would.)
Does this happen to anyone else?
You love the idea of the thing before you even have a clear understanding of what the thing is?
I feel the same way about the idea of silk blouses.
It is the antiromantic comedy: Four movie stars run around hurting each others feelings.
No one in this movie is happy or healthy or satisfied.
Everyone in this movie is lonely and desperate and whimpering for attention.
Every line of dialogue is slippery and seductive all at once.
Natalie Portman is Alice, a cherubic 20-something barista-stripper.
Jude Law is Dan, a moody obituarist with a chip on his shoulder.
Clive Owen is Larry, an obnoxious dermatologist with an even bigger chip on his shoulder.
Julia Roberts is Anna, a lonely, dejected American photographer living in London.
Its the scene that launched a thousand Tumblr photosets, and I have eagerly gobbled up every single one.
In a private room wherethe Smiths plays, Alice strips for Larry as he interrogates her.
Thank you, she replies.
Alice listens politely but plays with him.
Alice, he presses, tell me somethingtrue.
She doesnt even take a moment to consider.
Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, she smirks.
But its better if you do.
To be clear: Im not sure this makes even one single lick of sense.
And yet, I cannot get enough of it.
I wish I could say such a thing, so sexy sofauxclever!
It sets all my synapses ablaze.
Give me a quartet of hot people kissing and lying and hurting one anothers feelings.
Give me empty declarations and toxic promises.
EnterCloser, a movie about fucking the lying men for lies.
Suddenly my own mistakes dont seem quite so dramatic, and for once I appreciate being outdone.
I have been known to sow a lot of chaos in my personal, professional, and internet life.
(We obviously did not see each other after this realization.)
I lose hours each day scrolling through memes on the internet.
I led a middle-school book club that honoredGossip Girl.
Nothing I can do reachesClosers level of psychotic, horny self-sabotage.
Alice is talking about lyingandtaking your clothes off!
These are two chaotic instructions.
Finally they are given a place to flourish and reach their full potential.
Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off?
But its better if you do?
Im wearing sunglasses indoors.
Im texting someone back I shouldnt.
Were acting up and actingouttoday!
It was good enough forPanic!
At the Discoand its good enough for me.
Theres a self-satisfied sex appeal, an arrogant smugness to this line.
But its better if you do.
You know you had to do it to em, Natalie Portman!
