The Real Housewives of Potomac
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Is it possible that Monique has somehow entered all of our minds and planted some sort of inception?
Has she already begun her offensive on our thoughts?
Or is Candiace the mastermind in this scenario?
Because this episode opened with some of thoseInceptionBWAAAAAAs and then things started to glitch and jump through time.
But honestly, I DONT NEED IT TO BE, BECAUSEREAL HOUSEWIVES OF POTOMAC IS BACK.
Lets get to it.
Our first image of this entire season is a broken glass on the ground with a first aid kit.
I have never been more in on anything in my entire life.
I have been in relationships that lasted months that I committed to with less intensity than this season.
Then we jump seven weeks earlier?
Im ready for any and allReal Housewiveseditors to be given an Emmy.
Its time to see where all the Housewives are before The Glitch.
Monique is at home with Chris and her new bird on a leash.
There is a bird on a leash.
A BIRD ON A LEASH.
Monique believes that she can potty train this bird.
Birds dont typically have sphincters, Monique.
How can you teach it to relieve itself on command?
It has no concept of a potty.
This show has already given us so much.
Shes jet-setting around the world and hes not engaging with her success.
She also says that hes not snatching her up as a woman.
Isnt that what we all want?
Shes not ready to lose her man, either.
Gizelle is at her new house and its quite the fixer-upper.
Shes building a two-story master suite, which is something I did not know you were allowed to do.
But Gizelle has decided that her room should be two stories.
Gizelle thinks bigger than any of us ever could.
Shes also gotten back with her ex-husband.
Her kids are NOT HAPPY.
They are all very suspicious of this relationship.
Gizelle calms her kids down by saying that shes the adult so she runs the family.
Well, Karen chooses to say No comment.
Candiace is waiting to have a baby, but there is a new baby on the scene!
Ashley has fully embraced a crunchy-granola lifestyle and brags about using wipes that are mostly water.
Shes also completely terrified of literally everything that exists outside of her home.
At one point, shes so worried that the breeze will suffocate him.
I was also 7 when I thought this.
He says that marriage is something Im looking forward to doing.
Thats not exactly a proposal, but being with Juan this long must recalibrate your romance meter.
I do love that Robyn says, Go Team Dixon.
They are a team and thats beautiful.
After catching up with everyone, its time to get into the action of the episode.
Candiace has invited Gizelle to stop by a dessert tasting for her anniversary party.
Gizelle arrives in a Gucci Mini Cooper and a baseball hat with a tiara on it.
Candiace is deliberately not inviting Ashley and shes not going to move past that at all.
Gizelle starts poking the bear and asks if the party is a gift from Candiaces mother.
They start gently jabbing each other about Candiace buying a house and Gizelles home renovation.
Candiace says that Gizelle laughed at her and Gizelle says, It made sense to laugh.
I would wither into dust and die.
Ashley is at home with her baby when Monique comes to visit with her baby, Chase.
Monique puts Chase, who is 9 months old, on a travel potty.
What is happening with this woman and potty training?
At least shes trying to potty train the right species now.
Ashley and Monique have bonded because theyre both holistic and into oils.
I cant wait for the anti-vaxx story line for the both of them down the line.
Ashley and Monique point to baby Deans poopy diaper to demonstrate where the friendships are.
Its time for the anniversary party and Candiace says its Wedding 2.0.
Why does this couple need a lot of very expensive, public relationship displays?
Candiace has also decided on a cash bar.
You cannot brag about your $2.5 million house search and not have an open bar.
Something is not computing here.
We also get slowly introduced to our new Housewife, Wendy.
Shes Nigerian, she has a Ph.D., and she vaguely knows everyone.
Get ready for this fabulous bitch to walk onto the scene.
Karen, Candiace, and Gizelle head outside to satisfy their filming obligations for this party.
No one gets to Gizelle.
Gizelles emotions are like Luke Skywalker living on that planet, drinking blue alien titty milk.
Gizelle says you apologize when youve done something offensive and Candiace says, Did you say you were offended?
Inject this into my fucking veins.
I wanna feel something for the first time in a long time.
But thats nothing compared to Candiace demanding that her mother and Karen impart nuggets of marital wisdom.
You want marriage advice from your cruel and unfeeling mother and from LaDame herself?
Find someone who is in a healthy relationship.
Are you asking them to speak so you’re able to do the opposite?
Candiaces mother takes the mic and thanks Chris for banging her daughter and calls him a decent human being.
This causes Candiace to cry.
Again, I guess being Dorothys daughter completely recalibrates your barometer for emotional connection.
She says that theyre celebrating love tonight and everything turns into black and white as we focus on Monique.
The preview for this season looks amazing and I CANNOT WAIT!
Im ready for these women to crawl into my head and make a life there.
BWWAAAA!!!!!
!
