The Real Housewives of New York City
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This episode ofThe Real Housewives of New York Cityreally swings from one extreme to the other very quickly.
At the winery, Ramona says, Okay, lets all share a story that makes us vulnerable.
Also, what an open-ended question?
Mommy, help me.
But her mother couldnt protect her then and she cant protect her now.
OKAY, WHOS NEXT!
I thought you were avoiding all that.
Tinsley tells her story about dating a man named Bruce, which is a tragedy all its own.
That is all you gotta know about this story.
On to Leah, who tells the group about getting out of rehab when she was 18.
Leah was then literally shipped off to a nunnery to learn some life lessons.
OKAY, WHO WANTS TO GO NOW!!!???
See, isnt this a fun game?
(This would make a great title for a Sondheim song.)
She doesnt have a story so much as a confession that she is scared every day.
I dont mean this as a diss, but it sounds like Dorinda needs medication.
She is really deep down into something and sometimes some adjusted brain chemistry is just the way.
Finally, its Sonjas turn, and you know you are in for a treat.
It is an M.C.
Escher painting of a ramble.
As I always say, its not that Sonja is dumb; its that she is a bad communicator.
It could have been any article about him in any trade journal.
Its like the producers are saying, Get ready for this asshole, and they do not disappoint.
He has undoubtedly referred to this cavernous room as a panty-dropper.
There is literally an ATM in the basement that says Welcome to the Pleasure Palace on the screen.
He thinks thats baller.
I think its, well, like a septuagenarians balls.
Sonjas only recourse at this boring party is to get wasted, and get wasted she does.
I love drunk Sonja.
Her main altercation comes with new friend of Elyse, a lingering smell in a very well-appointed restroom.
Elyse says that Sonja was her ex-husbands accessory.
Sonja shouts and then proceeds to talk like Daffy Duck with a mouth full of peanut butter.
I was his partner.
Why would you say that?
I am a boss bitch.
Sonja replies, You should be doing clip, clip, clip, mimickingDorindas famous rejoinderused against Sonja herself.
That is why Sonja is a reality-television professional and Elyse fades into the background like bad wallpaper.
Then Sonja says, Im not arm candy.
I dont shave my pussy.
I dont shave my legs, as if those are the only two qualifications to be arm candy.
Hes wearing the unofficial preppy uniform of a magenta polo shirt over ill-fitting khakis.
Shes not flirting with this dude (who is quite attractive); she is propositioning him.
Men love my vagina.
I have a great vagina.
The next morning, Dorinda wakes up and tells Ramona that there is a problem.
Luann skulked off in the middle of the night and sent a searing text.
This is not the fish room part two.
Im shocked Im always the lowest on the totem pole.
GOOD NIGHT from the LOWER LEVEL.
I also feel like this text was even longer and meaner, but it somehow got edited down.
The next morning at Joe Farrells house was a lot more calm than things were at Boniva Cliffs.
That is, until there was a knock on the door.
He welcomed her in and pointed her down the stairs.
She clicked a few keys and watched as a progress bar appeared on the screen.
Three minutes, it said, marching slowly along, getting her everything shed need.
She took those three minutes to look around, taking in all of the finery of Joe Farrells basement.
