The Real Housewives of New Jersey
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Trying to get Teresa Giudice to use reason is like trying to order a caprese salad from a bicycle.
As we rejoin the action, shes upset with her brother that he didnt defend her to Jackie.
But what can he say?
She did go to jail.
(As we say in my household, But you are in that chair, Blanche.)
Anyway, when Joe Giudice attacked Joe Gorga, she didnt leap to his defense.
Teresa does not see how these are equivalent.
She does this shit all the time.
She did it again this season to Joe with Realtor Michelle, Roger Ailess dream woman.
Shes a good realtor!
Only after Joe told her to stick up for him did she do something.
It gets even worse in New Jersey as the dinner party falls apart once Jackie makes her remark.
This triggers Melissa, who says, What, like youre some weak-ass bitch who cant defend herself?
Teresa agrees that she can defend herself.
Melissa is not one to let someone else clean up her mess, though.
I would say you could see Joes face getting redder, but he has been mysteriously ruddy all season.
(Was there a spray-tan accident?)
Joe isnt just mad about this hes mad about all of it.
Hes mad about years of discord, eons of hurt, a lifetime of not being looked out for.
He ruined everything, and he put you in jail, Joe says about Teresas ex.
My wife is 100 percent right.
And I held my tongue … Fuck that piece of shit.
He put my mother in the grave, and Im supposed to like him?
He then bangs on the table with both fists like an ape at the zoo demanding all the bananas.
What is Teresas response?
Were not talking about that.
Were talking about Jackie, she says.
She cant even see his point.
The two teams lick their wounds in their respective corners.
She is not wrong.
Jackie can deliver the zinger, but she doesnt have the nerve to stand there and back it up.
Its not because its the right thing to do and because Teresa was most likely lying the whole time.
No, its a mercy killing, because Jackie is too weak to withstand the pressure.
Of course she is wearing the rip-off bikini that wasprofiled in the New YorkTimes.
Even Teresas garments arent without a rap sheet.
No admission of guilt.
No saying that her husband didnt have an affair.
Just a few stray mumbles tossed at Jackie like theyre nail clippings about to be washed down the drain.
I totally agree with Jackie.
She issues another apology thats even weaker than the last one, but finally it all seems behind them.
We think its all settled until they sit down at the table and start squabbling again.
The men immediately separate, tired of the drama.
Evan is totally right: Its when they sit down for meals that things all go awry.
(Cue the montage of table fighting!)
Seriously, there are more duels atRHONJdinners than have ever happened in a Medieval Times.
But thank God for these dinners or else what would we talk about?
This fight is really between Margaret and Jennifer.
Margaret accuses Jennifer of keeping the Jackie-Teresa feud going by telling Teresa about what happened at boys night.
The fight ends horribly, with both of them saying awful things about each other.
Marge says that is why she cant share vulnerable moments with Jen, because she uses them to attack.
Jen says her drunkenness was a vulnerable moment too.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just pull that Jet Ski over one moment and take a breath.
Yes, both of those were vulnerable moments, but theyre totally different.
Those are two different kinds of vulnerabilities.
And there, through all of it, is Frank Catania, as stone-faced as the mock-up of Mt.
