The Real Housewives of New Jersey
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This week we see our favorite ladies in the Hamptons.
Well, in Westhampton.
Actually, in Westhampton Beach.
As the name implies, Westhampton is the furthest west of all of the Hamptons.
Well, Westhampton Beach is even further than Quogue.
Girl, it is not, and I dont care that its 20 minutes door to door to Manhattan.
No one cares and your breath smells like Aunt Annies pretzels and PATH train.
Thats because they are filming there in, like, April and there is no traffic.
Well, that and Jennifers temper and inability to handle flatware like a reasonable human being.
Margaret tries to sit Teresa down and calmly and rationally explain to her why shes upset.
(Brookhampton is not a Hampton.
Brockhampton isnt either, but it is a boy band.
Ask your nearest cool teen.)
Margaret explains that she doesnt want Danielle around just like you wouldnt want Charles Manson around.
Teresa, a person who has never seen Geraldo Rivera before, asks.
No, Im serious.
When they tell her she says, Well, I wouldnt let a guy like that around my children.
That is exactly the point.
It drives me insane that she is the alpha of this group.
That means she gets the best room and all the other women have to double up in twin beds.
It must kill actual intelligent people like Jackie and Margaret that they must kowtow to this person.
Teresas problem with Margaret and Danielle is that she thinks Margaret started it.
Teresa just doesnt have the logical breadth to understand a simple parallel that Margaret is drawing.
But Teresa is not wrong.
Margarets problem in this argument is that her rash actions keep her from having the moral high ground.
Yes, Danielles marauding reaction was outsized, but Margaret did kick it off.
Thats my problem with this season, that I just cant find a person to love.
I want to love Jackie, but her skin is thinner than OJ Simpsons alibi.
I want to love Delores but she is constantly defending Teresa, the human embodiment of the1-877-Kars-4-Kids commercial.
I want to love Melissa, but… Oh.
I think I love Melissa.
Its an odd feeling.
Its like Dunkin Donuts being your favorite restaurant.
What they seem to mean is that shes Jewish.
Is she going to say that she controls the weather and talk about the size of her nose?
For Jennifer, who grew up without money, she likes to impress people with how rich she is.
Jackie, who grew up with money, doesnt need expensive kids parties to show everyone shes rich.
She knows shes rich and thats enough for her.
Margaret brings it up as a joke but it sets Jackie off.
Instead Jennifer just digs in and starts scrapping.
Jennifer then says, Youre saying my kids arent going to be successful in 30 years?
This is so obviously a dumb overreaction.
Is she going to say that her kids are going to be losers too?
I mean, I do worry about Gino.
Melissas kids are all going to be fine and not losers.
That was all for comedy, folks.)
