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Oooh, doggy, joke stealing makes everyone so mad all the time.
But all of them are pretty damn funny, so we picked out some of our favorites.
you’re free to listen to the full archive ofGood Onepodcasts throughApple Podcasts,Spotify, andStitcher.
his joke about watching a movie five years late.
Because now, that feeling is so prominent.
Were on to theGame of Thronesprequel now.
So I want to talk about it now is a constant feeling.
Also, I have a dentist appointment.
Its one of those right there bits.
Robin Thede onSNLs Mary Katherine Gallagher andIn Living Colors Benita Butrell
Mary Katherine Gallagher.
What a great character.
What a perfect character.
And she sacrificed her body for that character.
You talk about fearless performance?
Mary Katherine Gallagher is literally the most fearless Ive ever seen someone onstage.
And I just find it so scary to watch and so hilarious.
And any character fromIn Living Color.
Anything Kim Wayans did or anything David Alan Grier or Damon did onIn Living Color.
Im sorry, can I amend my answer?
Its Benita Butrell fromIn Living Color.
Mary Katherine Gallagher is a close second, though, just because of the fearlessness in the physicality.
Matt Rogers on Bowen Yangs iceberg
What if I was like the iceberg?
I wanted to book theMauretaniabecause it had better nightlife and enough lifeboats.
Now we have to fucking stand on this boat with all the kids screaming.
By the way, why are there kids on our cruise?
This is not the cruise I wanted to go on.
No you want to talk to someone?
Dont talk to me the rest of the time we sink, I swear to God!
So, that was my bit that I was doing and I love that bit.
But then Bowen did the fucking iceberg!
So you know what Im going to say?
I wish I could take that from him.
Cristela Alonzo on Patrice ONeals white-baby joke
Patrice ONeal,Elephant in the Room.The whole thing.
It had me dying.
Its so brilliant because its so true.
I die every time I see that special.
Hes like, Yeah, its, you know, they comped it.
They comped me flights, hotel.
He goes, Oh, what is that?
That $75 plane ticket on Southwest?
You got that covered?
Spade is one of the best ever.
Im so lucky to be friends with them, but that special is one of my favorite specials ever.
And then that bit.
Sam Morril on Jim Jefferiess gun monologue
Jim Jefferiess gun joke.
Im so jealous of that one.
Its like a 15-minute masterful chunk on guns.
I think its incredible.
That is my favorite joke of all time and will always be my favorite joke.
Craig Robinson on What Up With That
Probably What Up With That fromSNL.
Whats up with that?
Whats up with that?
He knows how to work that microphone, and hes really good for voices and sound effects and characters.
It was so funny.
They even made a reference to it in aMagic Mikemovie, which I thought was pretty cool.
I was like,Wow, thats actually something thats very deep to think about.
Its a really deep and a very dark joke.
Ive always thought that Damon Wayans was brilliant, and thats a joke with so many layers.
Its so stupid, but I just wanna do it!
And Im only invested in the joke because Im a wing person.
I hate that I like it.
And there cant be a straight parade, because you all are boring.
And dont nobody want to watch you walk around in khakis and Starbucks down the street.
I was like,Damn, b, I couldve had that.
And it just destroyed me.
Its my favorite joke of all time.
And theyre like, Actually, its a she, and her name is Jeremy.
Its so silly but so funny.
I feel bad that Im being so vague.
But I remember being like,Nice twist.That was like a new way to say it.
And then Nicole Byer has agreat thingabout gay male flight attendants: Theyre just too good for the ground.
[Theyre] meant to be closer to heaven.
Bert Kreischer on Dave Attells owl joke
I wish I had any of Dave Attells jokes.
And I just thoughtOh my God, that is fucking amazing.
I mean, just amazing.
Anything Farley did, but I would never do it, if that makes sense.
Cecily Strong onSNLs Sweeney Sisters
The Sweeney Sisters are great.
I mean, I wouldnt want to have been the one to do it.
No, I want to just watch them do it.
Chelsea Peretti onSNLsTarmac Talk
You know what?
It was just very funny to me.
Chris Gethardon John Mulaneys The Salt and Pepper Diner
Salt and Pepper Diner.John Mulaney.
The Tom Jones joke.
I love living a good ridiculous moment.
And I love shitty teenage troublemaking.
But with me it is a Jersey diner, driving everybody nuts.
I loved that sketch.
Chris Kelly: I know.
Wait, I thought I was gonna give like an all-timer answer a sketch from 20 years ago.
I texted Kate about it.
The Teacher Fell Down.
Schneider:Alison Gates.
Kelly:Where it just opens on Kate already on the ground.
The teacher fell and shes just like, Class, I know this is weird for you.
Youre so used to seeing the teacher above you but now Im below you.
I actually went to go rewind my TV cause it looked like the setup was missing.
But no, it just goes right in.
It was so bizarre and felt so clearly like one persons sense of humor.
Schneider:Shes a new writer this year.
Kelly:I instantly was like, Who wrote this?
It was just funny and it just stood out as …
Schneider:A specific voice.
It was a real story that happened to him.
I was like,Thats a great thing.I just love that kind of stuff, you know?
I would rip off stuff.
Shes like, What?
Im driving the bus?
Hes like, Youre opening the floodgates.
Its just like, How do floodgates work in your mind?
Shes like, I dont understand it.
Its a two-minute scene instead of just a funny joke on30 Rock.
That was one of the times … you want to talk about the best?
As a comedian, I watched that routine and I went,Oh, Bo wrote that for me.
Oh, that was real nice of Bo to write specifically a routine just for me.
What a nice, swell thing of that lovely man to do!Id love that one, yeah.
Im just like,Yes.
So stupid, oh my God.
And it is just perfect.
I cant ever stop watching it.
Dennis Feitosa a.k.a.
Def Noodles on Jerry Seinfelds Pop-Tarts
Jerry Seinfeld had a five-minute bit about Pop-Tarts.
Whenever youre coming up as a comic, especially at open mics, everybody is trying to be super-edgy.
Desus & Mero on Conan OBriens Clutch Cargo
Desus:Conan OBrien with the moving lips.
Mero:Im not gonna lie, thats funny.
And her reasoning was way better than mine.
So after I saw her do it, I quit doing the joke.
You know what I mean?
Oh man, thats such a good joke.
Its the perfect take on it, and its so relatable.
Theyre like, Hell yeah, man, I think George Bush is fucking awesome.
Hes like, Holy shit, how much do you make a year?
I only make like 30,000 dollars a year, man.
And hes like,Well, fucking Bush hates you, dude.
Are you kidding me?
He wouldnt be caught dead with you.
Its just a perfect synopsis.
I like the Bruno prank onDa Ali G Showwhere hes getting these frat boys all riled up.
Hes like, Yeah, get on the body pyramid, yeah were all partying, yeah.
Theyre all hyped and shirtless on the beach, and theyre doing all this homoerotic, suggestive stuff.
And then at the end, hes like, All right, give a shout-out to gay Austrian television!
And theyre like, Wait, what is this for?
But off the top, I would have to say Hannibal Buresss joke about his favorite burrito restaurant closing.
But I did see the Ellen special where she did Footprints in the Sand.
And her, you know, putting that twist on it was so clever.
I remember seeing her tell that on the stage in Williamsburg when we were very young and stupid.
Theres a Joe Mande joke.
Hes been in a relationship now, for probably like 15 years or more, with the same person.
Thats a joke that absolutely kills me.
Theres this comedy singer called Shayna Ferm, and she wrote this song where the premise is encouraging herself.
She was like, Yeah, totally!
So I do wish wed written that one.
Riki:I have two favorite bits.
Theyre not singular jokes, but its Tig Notaros Taylor Dayne bit.
I really love Anthony Jeselniks abortion story.
I love both of those.
Ive watched them multiple times.
Kate:I was just gonna say Tig Notaros Taylor Dayne too.
I think Ive seen her perform that bit 70 times, and its just the best.
Gary Gulmanon Mitch Hedbergs What About the Dufresnes?
Mitch Hedbergs Dufresne, the Dufresnes.
And they were bragging.
So they went up on the Golden Gate Bridge.
He says, Ohhhhh, this water is cold.
Shes got this joke about raping a rapist.
I live on blah blah blah, and she completely says her address.
She goes, I challenge any dude to try and climb in my window and rape me.
Its such a brilliant routine of just subverting the whole powerlessness of the woman in that situation.
I wouldnt steal that joke, though.
But I just think its one of my favorite routines Ive ever seen a comedian do.
Hannibal Buress on Eddie PepitonesFor the Massesopener
You know who caught me off guard with their special?
And that caught me.
Im like,Thats one of the best openers ever.Im on Molly!
He set the tone right away.
And it builds to this perfect moment, where he says, Cause Bill Clinton never forgets a bitch.
What I love the most about it is that its a long story.
Its a detailed story.
He also gets to use the wordbitch, which is so not in his persona.
But its so perfect for that moment.
Its just the best.
And Im like,Ah!
I love that.It hits on all these different levels.
Its just soaking in someones awful point of view.
And the timing the timing is just perfect.
Kevin Pollakwas iconic when I was growing up.
My brother and I loved him.
Wed see him on Comedy Central I guess this predates Comedy Central.
I thinkJerry Minoris the highest caliber, highest class of impressionists.
Their impressions are so funny.
I love being able to sit back and watch it, rather than always doing it.
Its something that he said on his radio show/podcast.
So every time John Robins has a shower, he always thinks about Johnny Vaughan because of that.
I got very jealous of that, mainly because he wasnt doing it as stand-up.
That, to me, is so silly.
Its such a gloriously silly thing to do.
I mean, theres no way that that isnt a funny image to me.
And what I like about something like that is it excludes no one.
It says,Everybody is welcome here.
And I also really love when he used to say, Beautiful drums.
Have you ever watched the [supercut]?
But some of the ways he used to do that: Are these yours, or are they rentals?
Look at those drums.
And what I love about that is its only a wink to people who watch every night.
Not one bit of it is for a brand-new viewer.
Its just a nod to that.
I would love to work out how to make the deepest bottle episode imaginable.
I love the idea of really knowing how to have faith in the tiny kind of thing.
Jamie Lee on Chelsea PerettisOne of the Greats
Pretty much anything from Chelsea PerettisOne of the Greats.
Manolo Moreno used to do this joke that was pretty awful called Snack Dick.
He would stick his hand through his own zipper and then eat potato chips.
I thought that was pretty cool.
I dont know what it is, but its something.
Just because of the quickness and its fresh in my mind, Naomis Stop jogging at dusk and dawn.
Oh God, shes the funniest person.
Naomi Ekperigin is so, so funny.
She has a joke about reincarnation, how funny it is.
I think that is genius.
He did a bit about the next guy that she dates.
Its just about what a loser the guy would be living in Michael Jordans house.
And then they go, Youre wearing our fathers shoes and shit.
Its a great thing.
So many comedians I know were talking about it.
And its funny because you know that [the audience likes] it.
Like, I was laughing the whole time, and I dont know anything about Jacksonville.
We just go, Its Jacksonville, likeChinatown.
Like, Dont overthink it, its Jacksonville.
Ive listened to it on YouTube like a hundred times.
I have fantasies sometimes about doing it.
Ill be on the treadmill and Ill be thinking about it being my joke.
I wish it was mine so bad.
I just love it.
I want that joke so bad.
Hes just mirroring whats on the TV, and she thinks that its sexual.
She doesnt know what hes doing.
Its a pretty perfect, really inspired comedy sequence, like every moment inBeing There.
She does such incredible work.
Bryan Tucker: TheKey and Peelesubstitute-teacher sketch.
Thompson: Oh my God.
Hell yeah, thats a good one.
Tucker: And I know you would do that well, because youre so great at messing up names.
Thompson: Oh yeah, A-Aron.
I swear if one of yall says some dumbass name.
Tucker: Thats just almost, like, a perfect sketch.
You know, hed talk about other people.
Like the drunk voice.
Everything about that performance showed me theres punch lines within the character.
It didnt necessarily have a bunch of punch lines through the joke.
He was a character, and that character made people laugh.
He turned into his dad.
And [when] you watch it, you learn so much.
Some of the funniest shit that Ive ever seen.
One is Matt Knudsens Imagine ordering from a waitress everything that you get at a buffet.
Ill have some ice cream, and Ill have some salad.
The second one is Andy Ritchie.RIP, Andy Ritchie.
Its What if Ray Parker Jr. recorded the song Ghostbusters without there ever having been a filmGhostbusters?
And he just pretends to be in the studio like, All right, Ray.
Were ready to go on one, take one, rolling.
Hes like, I aint afraid of no ghosts!
And theyre like, Cut.
Whats he talking about?
Is this a song?
And just the idea of Ray Parker Jr. being a delusional paranoid schizophrenic singing about ghosts for no reason.
Oh, that one, it still brings me joy.
That premise brings me joy.
Lauren Lapkus on John Earlys Vicky
I would say John Earlys Vicky stand-up.
I just love it.
I mean, its justsohim.
But I just love that character.
We had a show out of Gitmo.
But it was a Hedberg joke I guess I had heard and I just absorbed and thought I wrote.
So, I guess that would be the joke.
I open for him.
And I was so mortified.
And then it was something like, If theyre purple, you should care.
Theyre choking to death.
Or something like that.
You could just hear it.
Eddie Murphys fucking great, man.
I wish he would come back.
I would pay thousands to see that dude.
I heard hes still hysterical.
People say hes still the funniest motherfucker.
It could be a room full of comics, Eddies still funnier than everybody.
I wish I wrote every single one.
I cant even think of one that just tops the other.
Everyone came out being like,Man, I guess I can make it onSNL.
It was so positive.
Akiva Schaffer:Now Im blanking on the name of it, but the prank-show one with Christopher Walken.
Samberg:I pranked him to death with a tire iron.
I think its called Pranksters.
Its all very cheesy sound effects and very Nickelodeon.
But it becomes clear that Christopher Walkens character, like, pranked somebody to death with a tire iron.
The Lucas Bros. on Clark Joness MLK joke
Clark Jones has this Dr. Martin Luther King joke.
He says, Martin Luther King had to be a pastor.
Cause could you imagine if he worked in fast food and they had the same voice?
Her pace, sometimes, because I feel like Im filling in every silence and just desperate to kindly.
It takes for-real confidence to be so controlled.
A lot of my favorite comics to watch areAl MadrigalorMaria [Bamford]or even Kevin James.
Either they have a freedom of storytelling and doing characters or they just cant help but be physically funny.
I sort of wish that I could execute like other people.
More what happens is,Oh, thats too close to my joke.
Like,Who did it first?
Were we working together?But eventually, I learned,Just get rid of it.
Oh, theres another joke that I really liked, and its a Bill Hicks joke.
He was presenting Best Album.
He said, Now for the best comedy album of the year didnt break anything.
Steve says, Well, its about time!
Then he put the pants on and he continued to read.
God, I never could think of that.
(Security in the Basement?)
Security in the basement?
that they had to put together, like, We need to get a frequently asked questions list here.
This is so frequently asked.
I think of the phrase security in the basement so crazy often.
Its such a line that sometimes hell do the joke and forget whole parts of it.
He forgets whole details.
I wish I could just have that joke.
I wish I was [that] jot down of concise joke writer.
Like Louis [C.K.]
believes comedy is just noises and Chris Rock [believes its just] repetition.
I dont agree with any of that.
Im gonna ruin the joke.
Its basically like hes married and shes sort of like, You still want me.
Im still the number one.
But then after his second kid, shes like, Okay, maybe youre done playing games.
The first kid …
Silvestri: The first kid is still a little bit of tactic.
Michelle Wolf on Bill Burrs Airbags
Bill Burr had a joke in his last special.
I was so mad.
I was like,That was in front of us.
So you get into an accident and then youd survive and be like, My whole family!
I just love that joke.
It was there for any of us to take since cars were built.
And I was like,Oh, he got it.
Oh, it was right there.
We all could have thought of that joke.It makes me laugh every time I hear it.
There is so much of that where I am like,That is brilliant.
Natalie Palamides on Mike Myerss Austin Powers
I love Austin Powers so much.
Just the whole world.
Hes like just this horny, lovable guy.
And hes like, So then you just got to go with it.
You sit down to the interview, and theyre like, So your name is Ben Bailey?
And hes like, Yes, it is.
And you live at 2235 Ben Bailey Boulevard?
And hes keeps going down every line.
Thats a joke, like God, dude, I love that stuff when its something that everybodys done.
Erik Myers has another one about filling out a Taco Bell software, him breaking it down.
Its so funny, cause its like, Do you do drugs?
And hes like, Of course.
Im applying for a job at Taco Bell.
I dont even know the whole joke.
He breaks it down in such a very funny way.
It was like Roger and Chelsea Peretti and a couple other people.
Roger had a joke that I think about all the time that I still love.
And youre like, If hes so insecure, then why is he drunk and throwing raisins at me?
Shouldnt he be at home doubting himself?
That joke always struck me as so true.
Nicole Byeron John Mulaneys Delta Airlines
Honestly, any John Mulaney joke.
John Mulaney is so fucking smart and funny.
Hes like a machine.
Im trying to think of a joke, Im bad at remembering things.
Hes got a good Delta bit, but Ive also got a great Delta bit.
Or not a great one, I just found shit in my blanket.
Nikki Glaseron Rachel Feinsteins Niece
If I could steal someones joke?
Shes like, Come on, Rachel.
Like she uses all these excuses, and Rachels like, That doesnt even check out.
Then at one point, her niece is coercing her and trying to woo her.
Her niece goes, You look like Wonder Woman.
Rachel is like, Oh my God.
Ive kind of always thought that about myself.
Im glad someone said it.
She goes, Rachel, she says that to everyone.
She goes, You didnt get in the bath, did you?
Its such a gorgeous piece of comedy writing.
I love it so much.
If it could exist out of time and be mine, I would take it.
My runner-up would be Shane Torress joke about Guy Fieri and Anthony Bourdain.
It was so against what everyones conventional thinking was.
He muscled through and got to there.
Oh God, its so great.
How come I didnt think of that?
A great, iconic place.
I said, Yeah, yeah!
And he goes, Well, thats very funny!
I think he went out and did it that night.
Now that hes dead, I always wished he had left it to me.
It was so funny.
It was just so funny.
Shes really good at building bits like that.
[When I heard it] I was like, Ahhh, damnit.
Ray Romanoon Brian Regans Log Trucks
Theres one from Brian Regan.
And I mean, if you need logs over there … Thats it, thats the bit.
And its so perfect because theres no punch line and its so funny.
Ricky Velez on Chips Cats vs.
Dogs
I heard this one that was from this comic young kid.
He got onstage and hes like, Dogs are better than cats!
And the crowd just starts.
The cat people are like Boo!
and he goes, You wanna argue about it?
Show me a video of a veteran coming home from war to his cat!
And I was like,Thats funny!
Thats a great joke!His name is Chip, and hes from Indianapolis.
Ron Funcheson Mitch Hedbergs Search Party and Escalator jokes
Mitch Hedbergs Search Party of 3.
Thats one of my favorites.
Just a silly, funny joke.
Or An escalator can only become stairs.
Ive watched it two times.
Im probably gonna watch it five total at some point.
I wish I had that creativity.
I wish I had that work ethic.
I wish I had that focus and that talent and that genius.
I love all of his stuff, but to me, that was like high art.
Thats not the joke, but the way that he tells it is so funny.
I got furious the first time I heard it.
I dont even remember which one of us made that observation first.
I mean, I want all of those jokes!
But its fine; he can have them.
If Im with you and you start running, damn it, Im gonna start running.
When were done running, I will ask you what it is we was running about.
But for now, Im gonna run.
That joke has been quoted so much by so many people over the last 25 years.
It is an iconic, base-level observation of human behavior.
Its one of those jokes that was just right there.
You just had to have your eyes open and observe the world.
Cedric the Entertainer is masterful with that.
George Carlin, A Place for My Stuff.
That is one of the most masterful, in-depth jokes.
You sit back and look at it and you go, Damn, hes right.
Weve just got a lot of shit we dont really need.
Where can I go see him?
That joke still stands up.
Sebastian Maniscalcoon Brian Regans Cup of Dirt
Brian Regan does a joke about the science fair.
The concept is he brought dirt to the science fair.
Microwave popcorn or an air pop?
This was a last-minute science project.
I didnt have the throw in of family that helped me with the projects.
They were just like, Just do something with food.
I wish I could do something like the science fair.
His name was Sean Connery.
I could smell him through my bedroom door.
And he punched me in the nose, theres blood everywhere, and he took off his belt.
I have scars on my legs to this day from when I was a boy.
This guy beat the shit out of me with his belt.
My mother was screaming, and my sister was crying.
I guess you just had to be there.
I fucking love that joke so much.
Have you heard of Richard Bain?
I started with him in Portland, and he was the funniest person ever.
He opened for Patton Oswalt at the first Bridgetown Comedy Festival when we decided to have a local open.
He was like the funniest guy, and he died this year.
I just get sad I dont hear his jokes anymore.
And that really sucks, cause how is a guy going to describe stinky pussy with friends?
He goes, I fucked this skank last night.
I dont know what it smelled like!
Im fucking missing him so much, and I miss that joke a lot.
It is really, really very well done.
And then they actually do it to spoil the surprise up top.
That was a fantastic way to do it.
I was like,That took some balls, you know?
Ive written so many.
The fact that I hadnt heard that or thought of it made me kind of angry.
I think that good jokes make me angry.
He does it in a whole way that its like a mob guy.
I cant do it.
Wyatt Cenacon Jerry Minors Michael Winslow bit
I dont know if I would steal it.
Its one of my favorite jokes, though.
Theres a comedian named Jerry Minor, and its not a stand-up joke.
Jerry would do this thing onstage and he rarely would do it.
He would come out and he would be introduced as Michael Winslow from thePolice Academymovies.
Im here to talk to you about something very serious.
There was a man in Jasper, Texas, who was killed because of the color of his skin.
and then he gets back into the story.
The first time I ever heard him do it, I was rolling on the floor.
It was such a great joke.
