The Bachelor
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Its a new year and obviously a new era.
We have come so far.
So,after years of struggle and hardship, we have finally broken that last barrier.
This is the first Black Bachelor.
There are a couple of issues making my usual tainted enjoyment ofThe Bachelormore difficult this time around.
They were working backward through his Automaton-to-Bachelor dictionary, obviously.
What do we learn about Matt James and his journey to be the Bachelor?
Hes from North Carolina.
Hes got a charity where he takes children to get sandwiches and then makes them do burpees in jeans.
WHAT MORE COULD you should probably KNOW?
Hes got qualities and attributes and characteristics that theyre looking for.
How the fuck did that happen?
Where is Rachel Lindsay?
Someone find Kenny King and Mike Johnson and get them to the Fat Bird Resort!
Also because Matt James seems fucking terrified that he actually has to do this.
Should we call someone to pick him up?
Whats his moms cell?
If Matt James picks a Black woman or another woman of color, who is mad exactly?
Uh-huh, thats what I thought.
Its fucking charmeuse, Tyffany!
You cant just put it in the washing machine!
Lets get to it.
How fucking pissed do you think Clare was when she saw the Chateau at Nemacolin?
It also appears he has a three-bedroom apartment as his private residence.
Why dont we meet some of the beautiful and proper ladytest THERES A BITCH WITH A VIBRATOR.
Shes got a FULLY OPERATIONAL VIBRATOR and everyone thinks its HILARIOUS.
Everyone shoots a little package of themselves in their hotel room or at home on their cell phone.
Lets talk about some memorable limo entrances.
Khaylah arrives in a pickup truck because theyre both from North Carolina.
Matt calls it a nice whip.
Serena C. trips a little bit and it seems unplanned.
Serena P. pulls out a little stool so she can make eye contact.
If youre going to roll up in a bra and panties, wear it the whole fucking night.
Who gives a shit.
Youve got the butt for it.
Saneh has goat feet for a Greatest of All Time pun.
Illeana makes him take an eyes-closed bite of a grapefruit sized meatball.
Its a visual representation of Victorias cognitive dissonance.
Hes going to stop being perfect and start getting real.
This is a man who has learned to emote through theReal Worldopening credits.
Its time for the games to begin and Matt gets whisked off first by Sarah.
He says he cant wait to unpack himself, unpack them.
Who taught him this word?
One of the Serenas plays chess with him and says that chess was very romantic back in the day.
Khaylay says hes a five-course meal.
and she goes, Thanks for asking.
Totally normal human conversation.
Katie steals him away by tapping Mari on the shoulder with the vibrator.
Victoria gets time with him twice but like … no one says or does anything about it.
The first impression rose shows up while Matt is talking to Abigail.
Abigail tells him about being deaf and that her sister is also deaf and blazed a trail for her.
Matt says he didnt even hear Abigails name because he was so taken by her beautiful eyes.
Its time for the first rose ceremony.
Matt starts out with another very long monologue about how excited he is.
Like listening to foreign-language tapes while you sleep for subconscious immersion?
Matt says that was superhard and its only going to get harder.
He then says Lets get our workout clothes on and run a half marathon … jk!
Again, itslike a jokebut not really funny.
Matt James, everyone!
Also, this show is going to bring in new people for no reason?
Oh, 2021, I thought you were supposed to be different.
