The Bachelor
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Her face glows blue as she watches the feed from the studio on the other side of the wall.
This has to be the most dramatic finale.
The most controversial finale.
No one knows how this is going to end.
That fucking Chris Harrison kept repeating it and nowIvegot to be the one to make this happen.
Then a voice behind her: Go home.
Weve got it from here.
The editor turns quickly to see the determined face of an ABC executive.
What are you talking about?
We dont have anything.
Oh, weve got something.
Lets get to this.
Before we start, let me ask the question: Does anyone else talk aboutThe Bachelorin therapy?
His family was attempting to shield him from his own naivety.
The reason Im wildly speculating about this is because it wasnt just Barb on this train.
And so much of Peters fuck-ups seem to happen off-screen.
So where do we start this episode?
Were still in Alice Springs, Australia, and Peter is jogging through the Outback.
you could almost see him starting from a standstill just out of frame to get some compelling B-roll.
He sits on a rock.
He stares at some tall grass.
He wears Bonobos button-ups.
Madison has left and shes not coming back.
He picks out a pear-shaped diamond, and watching at home, we know this union is cursed.
He Facetimes Hannahs dad and gets his blessing.
She finally puts it on and lies motionless on her bed.
The giddy, girlish excitement of a woman on the brink of holy matrimony!
She can feel that theres a breaking point in the distance and doesnt know what to do.
Hannah Ann doesnt know if shes going to show up.
There are other fuckboys hung up on their ex-girlfriends out there.
But then Peter gets word that Hannah Ann is on her way!
When Hannan Ann gets out of the SUV, Chris Harrison gives her directions and says Its straight down.
Oh, if only we knew, Chris.
I LOVE YOU, HANNAH ANN!
He went on a full-ass kangaroo date with Hannah Ann and didnt open up about Madison leaving.
Peter knew that the only thing that would have crushed him more than Madison leaving was him being alone.
All he wanted was for someone to want him as much as he wanted them.
Who that person is, their values, even their cup size doesnt really matter.
Hannah Ann and Peter leave Australia engaged!
Barb says And they lived happily ever after!
The fuck you thought!
Were only a half hour into the two-hour finale.
Chris Harrison tells us that the drama to unpack came next, so roll the footage.
With all the information that Hannah Ann reveals during her sit-down interview, this break-up is pretty fucking bleak.
Hannah Ann then launches into a completely savage break-up offensive.
Where was this Hannah Ann all season?
She tells him that she doesnt need any more from him and hes done enough damage.
Barb, who has been watching the entire thing in picture-in-picture, starts applauding.
Hannah Ann just tells him Leave.
Men of America, if youre breaking up with someone, that persondoesnt want to make out with you.
So, what now?
Whats sexier than an ex-boyfriend who cant respect your religious views?
Madison, pack a bag!
Peter still wants you!
Heres how I know that Peter has no sense of self.
He has no protestations or concerns about Madison.
So its time for Madison to join Peter and Chris Harrison.
Were live now in our timeline.
And weve got nothing.
Are they going to get engaged?
No one knows how this season is going to end because theres no narrative conclusion.
When was the last time we saw a Bachelor telling his family who he got engaged to?
So who gives us some fucking drama?
Its Barbs time to shine.
Barb makes some good points.
Madison left them waiting for three hours and said no when asked if she loved Peter.
Then Barb decides to take the gloves off.
Hes gonna have to fail to succeed.
Peter can only manage hey.
I love her and that should be enough.
But its not enough, Peter.
And theres no room for Hannah Ann in all of this.
We just see a tiny picture-in-picture of a stoic Hannah Ann watching from backstage.
We dont know and well have to be satisfied with that because screw you, thats why!
WereThe Bachelorand we dont have to answer to anyone!
See you in May forthe last Millennial Bachelorette!
