The Bachelor
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A Chilean doctor heads into a waiting room filled with Instagram influencers and fashion bloggers.
I did all I could but …
I just cant save him.
A woman who is named either Victoria or something ending inYrushes to the doctor.
He doesnt know my heart yet!
The doctor pulls his blood-stained face mask off and puts his head in his hands.
He just … doesnt see any of you as his wife.
The waiting room bursts into tears.
The doctor rips off his gloves.
Can I walk you out?
Its worse than we thought.
Lets just break down the multiple reasons that this is so fucked up.
Where is the great love story this season?
Im notexactlysure what Peter wants.
What pop in of woman is he looking for?
He wants someone who is willing to give more than they receive and who has been in love before.
That seems to be it.
Its just a bonus if theyrea model for an Amazon third-party seller.
I wish this utter lack of standards was Peters only problem.
Actually, what might be worse is he thinks hes doing the work for these relationships to succeed.
If you pumped in some Jock Jams underneath the episode, Peter could be a very good WNBA announcer.
SHES FUN TO BE AROUND, NEVER BEEN IN LOVE, AND DOESNT WANT TO SWIM WITH THE MINNOWS.
HANNAH ANN, ARE YOU READY?
Very good for welcoming Sheryl Swoopes to the court, not so great for finding his wife.
Lets get to it.
The episode starts and weve been teleported to Santiago, Chile.
Hes ready to let the mountain air flow over his scar and for a drama-free week.
Oh, you sweet little dumdum.
You will never be free from the drama.
The drama is a part of you.
The show would have us believe that this is Americas deepest and most passionate rivalry.
Move over Oklahoma and Texas, make room for Tammy and Mykenna!
Peter arrives and is taking Hannah Ann on a date.
As the telenovelas show later in the episode, literally no ones strong suit is comedy.
Playfully shoving something with whipped cream in someones face could be cute.
Imagine the smell of mustard up your nose while youre trying to be romantic with your boyfriend.
Imagine having mayo in your eyelashes as your boyfriend tries to kiss you.
This is romantic-comedy terrorism and it will not stand.
Peters main issue with Hannah is that someone told him shes 23 and thats about it.
Peter gets frustrated because Hannah Anns answers are too perfect and he excuses himself from the table.
Hannah Ann starts crying and goes to see him.
This immediately solves whatever emotional quandaries were in Peters mind.
That was not a pivotal moment in our relationship.
It takes more than just tears, Peter.
Peter rewards her for expressing a feminine emotion by giving her a rose.
Its time for the group date card to arrive and, oh shit, theres another date card.
Whatever youre doing, yo dont be like this.
This is clear favoritism.
Its time for the group date!
Instead,The Bacheloris afraid of a viral moment.
Peter tells us that he used to watch telenovelas with his grandma and thats how he learned Spanish.
The content of the telenovelas is essentially useless except for the psychological torture inflicted on Mykenna.
And Kelley saying Incest is best.
Its time for the cocktail party.
Kelseys conversation with Peter isnt so bad, as he categorizes the beginning of their relationship as heavy.
Theyve already overcome so much to be together when hes not with 12 other women.
Then Peter cant fathom that Victoria P. would want to get as far away from him as possible.
This bitch is willing to pay her own fare to the airport to get out of here.
Mykenna made the fatal mistake of enjoying her day and Tammy is fucking pissed.
Tammy says Mykenna lives in a fantasy world and is only on the show to build her brand.
Tammy loves to tell someone to shut the fuck up.
Peter and Madison can hear them over the sounds of their making out.
Madison gets the group-date rose.
Its time for Victoria F.s one-on-one date.
Its probably worked for her thus far.
They have arrived at a romantic impasse.
But what is Peter fighting for?
Peter says that hes dealing with her issues now and hes not going to stop.
yo everyone hit your ejector seats on this relationship.
Victoria F. gets the rose.
Its for Mykenna and Tammy.
Its a two-on-one in name only.
Its happening before the cocktail party and theres no rose on the table when they arrive.
And really … the problem is Tammy.
Mykenna is just any vaguely Christian fashion blogger, which is theBachelorequivalent of a Red Shirt.
Tammy is one of the purestBachelorvillains in a while.
Shes definitely worn out her welcome and the writing is on the wall.
Tammy and Mykenna sit in silence and periodically launch into full monologues about the other persons flaws.
Someone c’mon, cross-stitch that onto a pillow for me.
Considering we didnt get any Mykenna screen time until like two weeks ago, Tammys case is pretty thin.
Peter finally tells Mykenna that he can trust her, so Tammy is out.
Its finally time for a cocktail party.
Peter sides down with everyone … including Victoria F., who already has a rose.
Hes so bad at this.
Sydney is pretty pissed because she came with all her walls down and her heart open.
The only explanation is Peter feeds off her pain.
See you all next week for one episode in Lima, Peru!
