The Bachelor
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Ladies and gentlemen, hurry, hurry!
Step right up, folks!
To see the greatest, most amazing, biggest and most fuckboy-ish sights and sounds!
Be prepared to witness the whimsical, the romantic, and the utterly baffling.
Set your eyes on our wonders!
See The Woman Who Falls from the Sky!
See The Woman Who Drives a Jeep!
See The Woman Who is a Teacher, I Guess?
But the scariest, freakiest, most outrageous attraction of all is The Man Who Has Never Been Dumped!
Behold a 28-year-old dude who has just never had to deal with this before!
How is this possible?
How did he get this far without knowing how to react to a woman breaking up with him?
Did he imagine the whole relationship in his head?
Thats a big ol yikes for someone who is about to get engaged!
So step right up and see The Man Who Has Never Been Dumped!
Lets get to it.
Finally, the natural order ofThe Bachelorepisodes has returned.
Praise be to the Eon Gem and the powers that it wields.
Okay, lets get to the damning.
Can anyone name more than one fact about any of these women?
Name one more thing about any of these women.
Just listing outfits that theyve worn doesnt count as a fact.
What relationships are these?
I certainly dont remember hearing any specifics about anyones past relationships.
So where do we begin?
Serenas mom, dad, and sister will be visiting.
Rachaels mom, dad, and her sister, Trinity, will be stopping by.
All the women are crying.
Lets fucking do this.
The first date of the week goes to Michelle!
Theyre wearing the same baby-blue color, and people who can pull off pastels should be feared.
Oh man, this got me.
This is cute as hell and the most emotion Ive felt all season.
How will you inspire her everyday like she inspires us?
Are you going to marry her?
segment to be replaced with the lead having to face a tribunal of the children in the womens lives.
Its time to sit down with Michelles parents, who are the most Minnesota-looking people I have ever seen.
That is a clear example of a thing he actually does and why she likes it.
Matt, just pick Michelle.
Shes the only one that seems to moderately know you.
He also claims that hes willing to move to Minnesota, and thats rich.
Michelle is able to tell Matt shes falling in love with him.
Its time for Rachaels hometown date!
The editors keep including clips of Rachael saying, What could go wrong?
and, If I die, at least I died with you, Matt.
Its time to meet Rachaels parents, who look exactly like you would expect them to.
No ones parents or family is a surprise on this episode.
Everyone was born out of their parents skulls like Athena.
Rachael sits down with her dad, and he basically says, What is he telling these other women?
Ah, to be that young again, to say that and really mean it.
just, someone listen.
They head to meet Bris mom and her best friend Bri and a BABY!!!!
Bris mom asks Matt the hard questions like, How do you feel about my daughter?
and Matt says they both have single parents, so he can see it working.
She also says if that happens, theyll mend a broken heart together.
At one point, Matt just says Geography!
when presented with a map.
Matt is all in on Serena P. and shes just watching him eat cold poutine.
Her sister says Umm … hes a cool guy and everything, but do you love him?
and Serena P. immediately crumbles.
She sits down with her parents and tells each of them she might be making a huge mistake.
Sure would have loved to hear about that in great detail!
Matt does everything he can to basically tell her, I want to give you a rose.
Just hold it together for like 12 more hours and then we can bang, like.
Hes given her the most time and the most reassurance so, like, what gives?
The most profound thing he can say is, This stinks.
Matt tries to scramble to say Yeah yeah, I felt something was off with you.
I felt that too.
You didnt feel shit, dummy.
You had no idea this was coming because youve clearly never had someone break up with you before.
Youre tall and wear turtlenecks, this isnt supposed to happen to you!
So Matt asks Serena P. to walk him out.
Everything is upside down for this man right now.
Rachael, Bri, and Michelle all get roses.
Next week, the women tell all!
This will be excruciating!
