The Bachelor
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Come right this way, students.
The two shared a kiss and un verre de Champagne beneath the stars.
Surely, youre saying, who could have been harmed in this fanciful act of courtship?
The Baronesse Kelsey des Moines.
How could Baronesse Kelsey des Moines suffer such indignity!
How could Vicomtesse Hannah-Ann du Knoxville deal a blow of such ignominy!
No one wanted to see the commander, and he was really bummed.
The story of The Champagne Scandal rang out across the Kingdom of Southern California.
Lets get to it.
You dear, sweet lil dum-dum.
Oh, Hannah Brown.
You dear, sweet lil dum-dum.
Did anyone else want them to run off together into the basic-bitch sunset?
There was more sexual tension and chemistry in that moment than some weddings Ive been to.
You might say I could not.
The episode STARTS with Peter telling Hannah, You said no to me.
I never said no to you.
It wasthe fact that you had a laugh with them!
Hannah isnt coming back to the house, and Peter is not coming back to this date.
Its been what I can only assume is hours, and Peter is nowhere to be found.
Natasha with her roly-poly neck is very upset that Peter has not returned.
Peter tells Hannah that he wants someone to want him as bad as he wants them.
Peter finally gets up, and hes covered in glitter from Hannahs dress.
Hannah tells him that this wasnt supposed to happen this way.
What a way to start out your relationship with the Bachelor!
But doesnt Peter know that they all came to be here for Peter?
Theres no other reason that anyone would ever appear on a huge reality show!
Natasha starts out by telling Peter, again, that shes pissed.
I need this woman and her six-day-old silk press to get outta here.
Also, whenever Peter mentions a quality he likes or notices in her, she just quietly repeats him.
You have a lot of strength about you.
Yeah, Im extremely strong.
Peter does his dorky lil dancing with Mykenna, and it works?
He lifts Mykenna up on a table and makes out with her.
Thats his move, and hes doing it all over the season.
Sydney gets the group-date rose.
Yeah, I got the group-date rose.
She says Red hair.
And now we reach the Champagne Scandal, which is also the name of Cardi Bs Vegas residency.
Kelsey takes it out on Mykenna and says that Mykenna really disrespected her.
Oh, so Kelsey has never watched this show before.
She calls Mykenna a snake and says shes really Snakey.
Has everyone been watchingTheReal Housewives of Atlanta?
Finally, Hannah Ann sits down with Peter at Kelseys Champagne setup and pops the bottle.
Its even more insulting because Peter celebrates the bottle with a very loud woo!
Kelsey immediately starts scream-crying and walks over to Peter and Hannah Ann to shout, EXCUSE ME.
Kelsey decides her best course of action is to accuse Hannah Ann of doing it deliberately.
Listen, Im not on anyones side in this thing, but telling someone, I acknowledge your feelings.
They are being acknowledged, is some fake shit.
Time for the rose ceremony.
Kelsey says, to no one in particular, I didnt do anything wrong.
Peter asks if Kelsey wants to make a toast, and she refuses.
Hannah Ann jumps at the opportunity, because thats what a hot bitch does.
This is Victoria F.s worst nightmare.
This bitch is BOLD.
In the end, it comes down to Hannah Ann and Victoria F. because … story.
Hannah Ann wins 40 bags of clothes delivered by some very confused male models in suits.
For the evening portion of the date, Victoria F. continues to melt down over being shy and meek.
Remember when she said that thing about her vaginas dampness levels thefirst week?
Yeah, me neither.
He says its very endearing that shes freaking out.
Dont say that a womans insecurity is her most endearing quality.
Kelsey is feeling really great because she had a day where she didnt break down in tears.
Hey, yknow that woman who is accusing you of bullying her?
Id love for you to explain your side of the story.
