The Bachelor
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Somewhere, from within the pouch of a kangaroo, a heartless ABC executive pulls out her iPhone.
What do you mean shes walking away?
Did anyone make a run at stop her?
… Well, did anyoneplace Peter near a fence?
What am I paying you boneheads for?
ILL HANDLE IT MYSELF.
She hangs up the phone and pops her head outside the kangaroos pouch.
So, hop hop!
Is there anything to say really?
This all feels like the last act ofOedipus.
This is the denouement, and frankly, its boring and frustrating.
Lets get to it.
What she does do is say, Umm …
I just … Umm … Shes telling the camera that shed be ready and willing to walk away from her relationship with Peter.
Shes telling him the what without telling him the how or the why.
The other thing is, Peterdesperatelywants to bang and he alsocannotlose Madison, the woman he loves the most.
This is his tragic flaw.
I dont know … straight man?
Both of those things are fine and you should do whatever you want.
Its not a stretch to think that Madison is participating in what we would think of as purity culture.
Remember when her dad referred to her as pure and prayed about his infant daughters future husband?
If thats the case, Madison, then yeah, you should probably go home.
Peter and Madison are two people with completely incompatible sets of foundational beliefs.
Im getting carried away here.
Victoria F. and Hannah Ann are also in Australia.
Peters date with Hannah Ann is completely unremarkable.
Weve all dated someone who was actively texting someone else while we were lying naked next to them.
Imagine if youhad tostay in an Airbnb with those people?
This is like that.
Umm … thats the whole thing, then.
Then Peter tells on himself when he finally says that Victoria has that fire.
Some people might say its too much, but it will never be a boring relationship.
Hes confused instability and an unreliable personality with excitement!
Hes confused being manipulated as passion!
Hes confused the peace and calm that comes with a consistent level of affection as boring!
This is allseason three Carrie Bradshaw!
She jokes to Peter at one point, We havent fought yet!
Then these two fools would realize that their expectations cant be met in the other person.
Then they would have a calm and reasonable breakup.
Instead, Madison gets up from the table and heads outside to cry.
Peter eventually follows her and holds her head in his hands.
The kangaroos are watching.
Madison says that shes hurt and disappointed.
He never said he would.
He never said he wouldnt.
Then Peter gives the whole game away when he tells Madison that he cant lose her.
He can see their forever and she cant walk away.
Oedipus has married his mother.
Antigone is in the cave.
Madison is walking away.
