The Bachelor
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I need everyone to come in and take a knee.
Everyone.Take a knee.We gotta get Peter out of the game.
Hes making rookie mistakes out there.
First of all, I dont think hes ever seen a basketball before.
I mean, thats a huge problem just in terms of his life exposure.
Did Peter play a sport in his youth?
Does he have a hobby?
Im not sure he has any interests besides getting a woman to love him.
Well deal with that later.
There is no discernible criteria to find the woman he believes to be his wife.
He has no qualities or standards that the woman hes interested needs to meet.
We dont have anyone on the bench.
We sent Mike Johnson home.
This is a man devoid of a backbone, moral fortitude, or a functioning inner ear.
Oh God, hes already back on the court.
Hes giving a rose to … OH GOD!
I cant talk about Hannah Ann and like … axe-throwing or whatever.
Like, blah blah blah, Kelsey is in love with him.
Blah blah blah, the women all have mean dads.
WHO GIVES A FUCK.
What does that even mean?
Victoria F. has a habit of finding men in relationships and then just systematically breaking up their relationships?
If so, I need a deep dive right god damn now.
I need aSerial-style podcast tracing the lives that Victoria F. has ruined.
But then Peter still gives her a rose.
At this point, my guy, do it.
He lacks the depth to deal with the very real emotions of all the women in front of him.
He also lacks the depth to examine his own feelings and desires.
But thats not our Peter.
Thats not the show were getting.
So, where do we even begi OKAY, IM SORRY.
VICTORIA F. GETS A ROSE?
I need to calm down so we can do this.
Lets get to it.
The episode starts with Hannah Anns hometown in Knoxville.
I think she needs to toughen Peter up because he has the emotional strength of a tiramisu.
We then get a montage of the two of them bouncing axes off a wall in a strip mall.
Does she have the ability to laugh?
Has she completely validated Peter?
Then hes ready to get down on one knee.
Peter decides to write Hannah Ann a letter about all the things he loves about her.
So shes gonna win, right?
Peter hasnt done anything for anyone else that has been an individualized expression of affection.
Just give her the ring and lets get this over with before you hurt yourself again, buddy.
Its time to meet her family, and all the parts are there for a mildly Southern white family.
Everyone starts crying immediately, even though Hannah has been gone for, like, five weeks max.
Theres a medium-stubborn dad and a sweet and folksy mom.
Peter is asked to do a weird task to prove that hes worthy of Hannah.
(Name all the trees in the yard!)
I mean … that he loves her.
You gotta want way more than that.
Peter actually says All Ive wanted is that validation.
Up next is Des Moines, Iowa, and Kelseys hometown date.
Their relationship is also unique, a word he uses for his relationships with other women.
Theyre going to make their own wine because Kelsey had a Groupon.
Also, Kelsey should have taken him to Fongs Pizza in Des Moines for their crab rangoon pizza.
Okay fine, she also says that she loves him.
Peter tells her that his heart is definitely falling.
Is that what theyre called?
Thatcantbe in the job description.
Madison says more than once that its not just a stadium, its a family, a community.
This is a serious thing that they do for theiradult childrenand force guests to partake in.
Is this a …Christian thing?Because this is very specific.
Peter tells Madison that she inspires him when hes with her.
This isnt going to end well for anyone.
Madisons father sits down with Peter and says that its his job to protect Madison as his firstborn.
Her dad straight up calls her so pure, and I had to leave the room.
YOUR DAD DOESNT NEED TO BE CONCERNED WITH YOUR PURITY.
Peter also says that its 99 percent great when hes with Victoria, and WOW.
He hasnt seen a crab rangoon or a happy relationship.
Pray for this man.
THIS REUNION WILL BE LIT.
HIS WIFE IS IN THIS AIRPLANE HANGAR TONIGHT.
