The Bachelor
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Home about HANNAH ANN?
The Bachelorasks a lot of me.
It asks me to accept that Chris Harrison is a skilled interviewer and television host.
It asks me to sit through footage of a live studio audience watching footage that was recorded months ago.
Those sons of bitches over at ABC are asking TOO MUCH of me.
Because the only person getting an edit worthy of someones mom crying over them is Madison.
And we all know that.
The only person we know remotely anything about is Madison, and we all know that.
So is this the most controversial and shocking two-night finale?
Right Guy was cheating onhis actual girlfriendwith her viaPeoplemagazine or whatever.
Lets get to this.
I mean, is there anything to discuss other than the Madison of it all?
But I suppose we have to deal with the Hannah Ann of it all.
Ooh, poor lil Hannah Ann.
Its the Jorah Mormont gambit.
Bitch, do not lie to us.
That just means: She doesnt look like she fucks,but she fucks.
Hannah Ann wants to impress upon Peters family that she loves him, and she fully starts weeping immediately.
Hannah Ann tells Peters dad that she felt love at first sight, but Peter doesnt know that.
Hannah Ann is positively vibrating with sincerity; its almost untenable.
And I think thats the entire problem.
Barb tells Hannah Ann that she feels like shes known her her whole life.
Its the next day, and Madison and Peter havent had a productive conversation in DAYS.
Heres the issue with Madison: She thinks this is about her.
And Madison, this shit is not about you.
Youve made it to the last round on a game show.
The other issue is Madison wants something extra for what she considers to be her sacrifice.
This is an entirely early-20s line of thinking.
It doesnt have to include the word threat to be a fucking threat.
All Peter hears is she loves me, and shes ready for me to propose.
Hes literally Jim Carrey fromDumb and Dumber.
Time for Madison to meet the family.
Peter told his family about her non-ultimatum, and theyre not looking forward to meeting her.
Every single member of Peters family asks her if she thinks theyre compatible.
How does his brother know that Peter loves to bang?
This family is too open.
Am I using any of the right words?
This feels like a master class in white hobbies.
Peter literally says that relationships are about compromising part of yourself.
Not compromising or finding compromise, but thats what relationships are.
Of course Im going to be compromising part of myself.
Peter looks at her like shes lost her goddamn mind.
Madison is nice and all, but Hannah Ann is an angel on Earth.
Peters dad and brother dont understand how Peter is conflicted about his choice when … yknow … Hannah Ann?
Peter turns into a petulant child and keeps saying that they dont know Madison like he does!
Ah, so Peters response to the ladytestants crying is Oedipal.
His mom says she wouldnt want him to end up like Hannah B. and pick the wrong person.
SHOTS FUCKING FIRED, BARB.
Peter says that maybe he is blinded by love and thats a good thing!
And thats totally what the saying is, and no one can stop him!
Well … except for Madison herself.
Its time for the final one-on-one dates, and Peter takes Madison to Uluru in a helicopter.
Madison keeps saying that shes been fighting since day one for Peter, but maybe its time to surrender.
As much as he wants to, hes just not into being the faith leader in a family.
Hes also too naive to realize that all the other stuff is usually what breaks up relationships.
Very few relationships and marriages have ended because the two people just stopped being in love with each other.
Its money or sex or children or religion or Tonya from accounting.
Love doesnt conquer all.
Love conquers, like, 67 percent of things, and that last 33 percent is a beast.
Madison sees their relationship as being hounded by a fundamental misunderstanding that wont go away.
Thats the encapsulation of Peters ethos.
Theyre hugging and crying and swatting bugs away from their faces.
Once its time for the evening portion of the date, Peter cant phone it in anymore.
He says that his night is bittersweet, and Hannah Ann, you in danger, girl.
Shes at her breaking point.
Hesusingyour emotions to keep himself afloat.
Hes not giving anything back.
Peter says she deserves 100 percent honesty, and hes going to follow his heart.
He silently gets up and walks to the door.
Good night, Hannah Ann!
See everyone tomorrow to watch Madison realize shes made a mistake!
