The Bachelorette
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This far into the paradox, I thought wed all be in a different situation by now.
This is exactly what I want.
Michelle is adorable and fun and fucking loves basketball.
Every other man is AliExpress Kendrick Sampson and Im perfectly fine with that.
Tayshia and Kaitlyn are mentally at a slumber party and theyre here to stir shit up.
Lets get to it.
Im already in love with Michelle and her entire fifth-grade class.
They are asking the tough questions like, How many boyfriends are you going to have?
Joe, would you say that ghosting Miss Young was as dumb as a Norwegian lemming?
and to not change for anyone.
I love these children.
They really are the future.
Her parents are still married and deeply in love.
Ummm … weird flex but okay.
Whatever theyre doing in Woodbury, God bless.
Yeah, were definitely going to have to work on that one.
Is it a fat mouse or something?
I could really work with that.
Its time to meet the men and stretch every teacher and basketball pun to its physical limits!
Up first is Chris from New Orleans, and hes bringing being a Southern Gentlemen to California.
Hes a mamas boy and he likes sports and Michelle likes sports.
He says Michelle wears her heart on her shoulder and thats almost correct.
Up next is Joe from Minneapolis, and were about to be relivingInsecureseason three.
Hes looking for his queen and he also … likes basketball.
They graduated the same year in high school and theyre both biracial, so theyre meant to be.
Up next is Clayton.
Hes the tallest man in the history of men.
Everyone in Claytons family is also a big beefy boy.
Hes Lawful Good Gregor Clegane and I love him.
Next is Nayte, who loves road trips and his mom is a teacher.
He thinks about Michelle during his intro package and gets nervous.
Hes got an amazing amount of jewelry and an immaculate beard.
Class, Chris G. is here to talk to us about train safety!
Ryan is the owner of theBachelorettestrategy pamphlet and Bachelorette is misspelled on the cover of the folder.
He was Beccas Best Business Boy and he took her to get buffalo wingsinBuffalo.
I think hes living the dream, honestly.
But before Tayshia and Kaitlyn can deal with this egregious violation, its time for the entrances!
Probably best to have Tayshia meet Ryan and feel some chemistry with him before telling her about this manifesto.
Michelle is wearing a beautiful green-gold shimmery dress with an irresponsible amount of cutouts.
Based on her swimwear in her opening montage, Michelle loves a cutout.
Out of the limo first is Nayte!
Nayte is visibly nervous and Michelle tells him to take all the time he needs to talk to her.
Then Nayte says, Better Nayte than never.
This prompts Michelle to go, Fuck, I like Nayte.
Michelle gives a thumbs-up as Romeo walks away.
Up next is Clayton and he gives Michelle a yardstick to slap his firm bottom.
I know Michelle doesnt put her back into it, but that ass does not move.
Its like two firm honey-baked hams in those slacks.
Kaitlyn calls the yardstick a teacher stick.
Give that guy a rose!
Ricks head is surrounded by lettuce and hes ready to be Michelles entree.
Both of them are cute as hell, so thats okay.
kindly sweet Jesus, just be authentic, vulnerable, and open.
Dont fuck this up for anyone.
Joe and Michelle sit down to chat about the fact that hes literally here.
He just needed to communicate and she would have been okay with it.
Hes trying to work on that and has been going to therapy.
Like … yeah, man.
Thats what were all trying to do literally every minute of every day.
Were all trying to appear like were interested in stuff to make people like us.
Michelle takes Ryan aside and asks him, da fuck?
Ryan says hes never watchedThe Bachelor(ette),so he took some notes about what Michelle liked.
Michelle again asks him to fucking clarify.
He says, well, his friends wife who is intoThe Bachelorwrote out some things for him.
That very normal thing we all do.
Ryan says some of the notes are just his dream girls in dating list.
You gotta write that down?!?!
Ryan goes out into the hall while Michelle sits with his notes and reads them aloud.
It reads like a third-grade report card and its fucking weird.
He asks if theres anything he can do and Michelle says no and he says, Are you sure?
Michelle appreciates how he pushed himself to be open with her and how he reset the night for her.
Nayte gets the first impression rose and he gets that smooch!
The only smooch of the night?!?!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!
Its time for the rose ceremony and the sun is fully up.
Its 11:30 a.m. and everyone missed the continental breakfast.
She comes back and gives the final rose to Joe.
Michelle gives a toast and says, Cheers to really beginning the journey!
Will it happen next week?
