The Bachelorette
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What show am I watching?
Because this episode had a straightforward and honest discussion of both addiction and eating disorders and a female host.
This episode didnt have anyone being forced to eat a scorpion butt or run a sex-trivia-themed relay race.
It was just a series of people talking and working through their emotions and personal histories.
WHAT SHOW IS THIS?
This is notThe BacheloretteI signed up for!
Where is the contesticle who is just there to promote his CBD-inspired workout classes?
Why hasnt anyone thrown up on a cactus yet?!?!?
Did we just have to remove Chris Harrison and move all these people into LaQuinta?
Because they got LaQuinta Inns all over the country.
Sure, theyre not as luxury, but lets try it.
Lets get to it.
Have her put that amazing blue dress on again and hand out some roses for old times sake.
Thats basically the only content of their conversation and for a moment, this showalmostpassed the Bechdel test.
Spencer is still there?
Were still dealing with Ed?
Eliminate some of these heaux.
Chris Harrison introduces JoJo to the contesticles as his replacement as he drops his son off at college.
Real love exists and so do home-flipping reality shows on CNBC.
So lets get to the dates!
JoJo hands off the first date card of the week and it goes to Zac!
Its the same hometown as another slightly cynical romantic, Harry Burns.You guys.Thats exactly who this motherfucker is.
Just look at him.
Get him in a baggy sweatshirt and get her in a tapered-leg pant.
Tayshia is attracted to Zac because hes not the typical guy shes usually attracted to.
Who doesnt like to do a fun photo shoot?
Listen, I have always been exactly who I am.
This is where Zac is fucking clutch.
WHAT SHOW AM I WATCHING?!?!?
Thankfully, Zac has an incredibly thoughtful answer to that question.
He got married at 23 because thats what happens next.
His wife left him because of his addiction and legal troubles.
Its a liability that someone was married before.
Its a cause for concern that someones parents were incarcerated or not around.
Its always framed as How can this person love when theyve experienced hardship?
Zac gets the rose!
Zac is worthy of love, affection, and respect.
Its time for the group date and theyre doing arts-and-crafts!
Listen, Ive been in and taught this performance-art class before.
I gotta think about something to cry about?
But Ali, you say, you just loved Zac talking about his addiction.
Especially when ten minutes ago, Blake made a clay penis.
Isnt he the one who was always pissed that they had to get naked on group dates?
He repeats something about showing up and letting his guard down and breaking through walls.
Date people with real emotions!
These men are real people with interesting stories!
Maybe dont make them turn those stories into tempera-paint masterpieces, but yes, interesting stories and vulnerability!
Also, on the way out, Brandon keeps cheering for everyone and how great their art was!
And her titties are out!
She is REH-DEE for these dudes.
The last official date of the week is Eazy and Tayshia.
We dont get a lot of information about Eazy on this date and its certainly not very romantic.
She says, Thanks but no thanks, and sends him home.
Its also pretty funny that Eazy keeps going, Really?
Oh no, and laughing to himself.
You done goofed in more ways than one.
Noah is confident that hes a tight little package and Tayshia tends to like those.
Noahs response is just that GIF of Julia Louis-Dreyfus going What the fuck fromVeep.
I never said that.
I said you have a zero percent chance that she chooses you.
You love to see it.
Tayshia looks around and goes … Whats in the box?
TO BE CONTINUED …
