The Bachelorette
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They do not know.
So the burden is now on me to explain how a period works.
Have you ever watchedGreasewhile 12 people watched you watchGrease?
If you ask any woman, she has AT LEAST three sleepovers-gone-wrong stories.
Im sorry was this some sort of waking nightmare Michelle was having?
All of these men should be punished because WHAT?
Guys, how do you fuck this up this badly?
How do you invent something that sounds like its a hypothetical scenario in aCosmo Girlquiz?
How is an ab-punching contest a good idea in this, or any, situation?
Thats how Houdini died!!!
No waffles in the morning.
Lets get to it.
The episode starts with the first of many chats between Kaitlyn and Michelle.
Michelle says her biggest worry would be that shed pick Jed somehow.
The guys sit around talking about how excited they are to make her feel special.
Then Chris S. sits down on a chair and falls completely backward.
The first date card of the week goes to Martin!
What kind of extreme masculine display is insisting that driving stick shift is easier and more enjoyable?
Martin, no ones dad is good at communicating.
Even if your dad was good at communicating, counterpoint, no he wasnt.
Michelle asks him how hes going to parent if he knows hes gotta work on communication.
When you start talking about your feelings, you just need new and better words than you had before.
But seriously how crazy is it that Nayte hasnt had a one-on-one yet?
Hes obviously the one Michelle likes the most at this point, and shes taking Rick to new heights?
Its just like every other slumber party!
They all get special pajamas and Chris S. gets theRisky Businessshirt and tighty-whities.
They all assume they wont be wrestling because every single persons nuts would pop out of their shorts.
Michelle comes in wearing the absolute cutest matching pajama set.
The expectation that women have to be this cute in their pajamas is harming us all.
My pajamas are either a full-length flannel nightgown from LL Bean or a novelty T-shirt stained with pimple medication.
Normalize that, Bachelor Nation.
They head to the slumber party and almost immediately the guys lose their fucking minds.
Theres a Build-a-Bear station!
And she should!!!!!!
What are theydoing?!?!?!?!?
At one point, Olu organizes an ab-punching contest and literally tells Michelle to get out of the circle.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I almost wish Michelle cancelled the date right then and there.
Were all going home!
Then The Bellas are there.
I fucking love The Bellas.
Ive watched their TV show.
Ive read their book.
I watch their YouTube channel where they attempt to answer simple geography questions.
But this was a waste of The Bellas.
Do we really have to have the men smack the shit out of each other?
Becausewe just did that.They dont really get to do or say anything cool and Michelle is quietly melting down.
I guess we gotta do the Teddy Bear Throwdown or some shit.
She wrote a poem about it!!
The guys heading to the evening portion have no idea whats coming their way.
Nayte does commit to being more obvious with his feelings.
Michelle says, Im not asking for the world.
Just a little bit more from you.
If youve ever said those things in your relationship, drink!
And make an appointment with your therapist.
Olu gets the group date rose.
Michelle needed a quiet regular date after all the commotion of the slumber party.
Rick is happy to just walk and hold Michelles hand.
They come across a wish box that contains Plot devices put there by production.
I wonder what thats about.
Rick thinks his father died blaming Rick for the discovery of the affair.
And if he did, thats bullshit.
Dont cheat and dont count on your 17-year-old son to just carry that foreverfor you.
Its hard to read Michelles face during this story.
Shes very sympathetic but this one seems a little tough to hear.
I dont know what there is to get out of an experience like that.
I would much prefer to be unscarred, thank you!
They close out the date with a man playing plinky guitar.
Would it kill them to hire an R&B singer orsomething?
Michelle says Uh … okay … ?
Cheers, and just like that the cocktail party is off to a terrible start.
Everything is bad and I wish it would stop.
Sir, youre on camera and youve been mad at Nayte this entire time.
Cool, its like this now.
Standard playbook and its bullshit.
See also: Chris S wanting to wink at Olu when he gets a rose.
My favorite part of this is that Nayte keeps referring to Chris S as a dweeb.
More people should be called dweebs.
Farewell to our sweet Romeo!
