The Bachelorette
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We have achieved a high that I dont know if well ever reach again.
My tolerance has gone up and I need a bigger and stronger thrill to find the same satisfaction.
And yes, were clearly running out of date ideas already.
But we need somethingmore.
Theyve given us all they can give!
What more can Tayshia deliver?
Lets get to it.
Its morning at the La Quinta resort.
What day is it?
Is it a rose ceremony day?
Or a group date day?
Where are we in relation to any other event weve previously seen?
This is especially important because the theme of todays date is Grown-ass Man.
Can we… just not?
Could someone who works on this show just invest in some knitting kits or something?
The first round of the date is MATH QUESTIONS.
Because all good relationships are rooted in the foundation of being able to do simple subtraction.
In my experience with men from Harvard… that seems about right.
Those two things have nothing to do with each other.
There is neither correlation or causation there.
The intellectual rigor of men from Harvard is greatly overrated.
Bennett has an old football injury so he cant participate.
This is my new headcanon.
One day, our paths will cross again, Bennett.
Were doing great as a country.
The last portion of the date is a breakfast in bed competition.
Chassen didnt bother preparing a meal and took his shirt off because he can be the main meal.
This is what a grown-ass man does.
Bennett wins the Grown-Ass Man diploma.
Bennett goes in for a full on make-out when he wins the diploma.
Guys, maybe he cant read.
Cant read words, cant read signals from women, cant read math.
Hes also still in his bathrobe.
And then Chasen takes her away first.
Okay, here is the beginning of the feud between Ed and Chasen.
Hes known Tayshia for two days; anything beyond beautiful and fun would honestly be creepy at this point.
Ed accuses Chasen of being interested in the fame and getting more followers.
Ed confronts Chasen and Chasens best comeback is, Youre holding a baby and you have chicken legs.
This is not the man you should be looking to for an amazing vocabulary.
Ed then starts on the absolute dumbest of tactics of telling Tayshia about Chasen.
THIS NEVER WORKS!!!
But do we end up with Ed trying to get sympathy for being told he has chicken legs?
Yes, yes we do.
Just what every woman wants to hear: Hes pivoting for you.
Ivan gets the group date rose for blindfolding her and feeding her a strawberry.
And that makes him a gentleman and a grown-ass man.
Tayshia enters with legit Beyonce hair and an Elizabeth Hurley-esque gown.
Thats a deadly combination and these white men have absolutely no idea what to do.
Ben takes her aside first and tells her shes got animal magnetism.
Hes about to lose his goddamn mind, so they make out.
He takes Ed aside and Ed is not helpingat alland still holding a baby.
Ed is tired of the phrases and the cliches.
Chasen just says, Im trying to have a fucking truce with you!
Time for the roses.
Were at the point of the season where I know the name of everyone who is left!
I wanna say… Chank?
Its the next morning and its time for another group date.
This one is both!
The men head to the fitness center and meet up with Tayshia.
Shes being tackled by fucking LITA from the WWE.
Who thought this date would be a good idea?
Whose bright idea was this?
Just pick literally any quarantine craft and have the men do it.
It would be better than seeing the guys smack each other around again.
Also, its not really clear exactlywhattheyre teaching these guys.
it’s possible for you to basically do whatever you want.
(Joe also brought some Korean food to the cocktail party the night before.
He is the sweet angel baby we need.)
All the guys wrestle and its…too much.
It doesnt look fun to watch.
I watched this with the sound off.
So instead, Noah hops over the fence and wrestles Chase in his fucking jeans.
Noahs antics get him invited to the afterparty.
Everyone is fucking pissed.
But Noah is just a tiny man with a mustache.
Let her fuck around with him and soon, this national nightmare will be over.
Instead, Tayshia makes out with Noah and tells him he needs to shave his mustache.
He dashes off and gets his mustache trimmer and Tayshia shaves it off herself.
This is weird and bad and I would like it to end.
I gotta go to sleep.
Whatever, you dummies.
