The Bachelorette
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America, let me just say I knew it.
I freakin knew it.
I believe theyre called podcasts.
Theyre for white men who like cryptocurrency and white women who like murder.
Check them out sometime.
And god damn it, I was right.
I wish we could stop right there.
So what are we left with?
What is there to make a meal out of?
A meal that Michelle will carefully tilt forward and lift a Fantasy Suite card from underneath?
Yknow, just that.
Lets get to it.
Were in sunny Mexico!
Dont ask anyone to get more specific than that!
She asks Michelle if she has any concerns about Brandon and she says, Honestly, no.
Girl, yes, c’mon follow this instinct.
The guy who loves you a lot and you dont have to worry about is a great choice!
Michelle has the most in common with Joe, but hes only said 13 words the entire season.
Michelle wants to bang Nayte the most so hes got that going for him.
The juiciest thing in this whole segment is Kaitlyn saying, Pay attention to those fears.
I wish I did that a little bit more.
Youre perfect and Michelle loves you.
The first date of the week is Brandon!
My continued defense of this goofy little Travis Birkenstock has paid off!
He just loves Michelle so much and hes never been out of the country or seen a horse before!
Michelle manages to drop soulmate on each of these dates, and I admire her for the linguistic consistency.
Heres the thing about Brandons date: He doesnt really have a storyline at this point.
He tries to finagle some nonsense about how he doesnt feel good enough at this point.
Michelle reminds him that he is one of a kind.
Dont have a go at invent storyline at this point!
Just give Michelle a series of small trinkets and poems to remind her of your undying affection.
Its the life force that sustains him.
Michelle is very good at giving specific compliments that supplement the Im falling for you discourse.
and does a cool yo-yo trick.
Michelle says that Brandon would take care of her and take care of her heart.
Brandon heads back to the awkward mens suite and the guys cant even look at him.
Lets just sit here in silence for a few counts.
1 Lisa Barlow, 2 Lisa Barlow, 3 Lisa Barlow.
Welp … time for Joes date!
Joe knows hes got to put it all on the table and show his whole self on this date.
How many sides does everyone have?
As Joe approaches, Michelle does a dramatic turn and wraps her legs around him.
Shes excited to see him and shes ready for their day of ziplining.
The ziplining is also a test of how vocal Joe can get.
Everything is a metaphor.
Nothing is a metaphor.
Michelle wants to know what shes going to be dealing with later that night.
They zipline and Joe screams Michelles name as he sails over the treetops.
Oh, thats … thats not great.
Shes gonna get to go home in like six days.
Are those feelings still going to be there when shes not homesick?
When these people are even somewhat emotionally mature, nothing really happens, does it?
I mean, Michelle compares Joe to a 1,000-piece puzzle.
This is the stuff of grown-ups.
Meanwhile, Brandon is trying his best to get Nayte to express some anxiety or worry.
Nayte just says, You thinking about Joe right now?
This lil sneaky rascal.
Michelle and Joe head to the fantasy suite and its … fine.
She slid into his DMs like a year ago; its been a long time coming.
Michelle says that maybe he is her soulmate?!
Anyone could be her soulmate at this point.
Even me, technically!
Joe is a changed man!
The mood among the men hasplummetedas Joe returns and Nayte gets ready for his date.
Michelle and Nayte are headed out on a boat that is fully stocked with sexual tension and emotional avoidance.
Michelle is almost irrationally obsessed with Nayte and wants to spendsooooo muchtime with him.
You know Im crazy about you is not I love you.
is becausethey dont know how you feel.
Michelle says, Oh no, being in the present is acknowledging and feeling your feelings.
She is having to teach these men so much.
She also says its magical when she kisses Nayte.
Naytes big revelation is also, Life will be the same.
Feelings will be the same.
I think about all those questions and I dont have the answers but thats just life though.
UGH, I guess.
She says a heavy weight has been lifted off her heart.
Any fears or doubts I entered the night with have been resolved.
Michelle says this is what a soulmate feels like.
The Soulmate Has Been Achieved.
Then a mariachi band appears under their balcony and serenades them.
Its time for the roses and Nayte gets the first rose and … Brandon gets the second!
The Hail Mary Has Been Achieved.
Michelle walks Joe out and cries on a bench while Joe sits quietly listening.
UGH I GUESS, FINE!!!
!
