The Bachelorette
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Shes a fun, sex-positive woman who allegedly has a career!
Something in marketing, we guess!
I was hoping to pass the torch to you!
Knowing the fantasy suite is so far away!
I might need it a little longer!
Katie hasnt had the time to find love … until The Bachelor Cinematic Universe intervened.
She had a vibrator, and people remembered her name!
Thats all we can hope for!
Plus, Michelle isnt avail until, like, late-July.
So now, just when she thought shed never find love … 30 hot guys found her!
Im Brendan, and Im still here for some reason!
Gentleman, this is the final rose tonight.
And Katie, just a quick reminder: Dont fuck Nick Viall.
But sometimes finding the one can get a little bit difficult.
Im being demonsterized!!
From the people that brought youBachelor Winter Gamesand the people who refuse to bring backBachelor Winter Games.
COMING AT SOME POINT ON THE SACRED TIMELINE:
THE BACHELORETTE
They call me Cuddle Queen!
Need I go on?
With the most powerful cinematic language in the history of humankind: the motherfucking rom-com.
Give it all to me.
Give me the kisses in the rain.
Give me the running down the hall because you just cant let him go.
Give me breaking up with the guy who is good but boring for something more exciting.
Give me a pair of quirky best friends who just show up to give advice.
Now, I just need this season todeliver.Get trapped in an elevator.
Run through the airport.
Stand up and object at a wedding.
Play This Will Be by Miss Natalie Cole non-stop until our ears bleed.
Lets get into it.
The contesticles are at the resort, and theyre reeling from the last eliminations.
Oh, you sweet children.
You know not whats in store for you.
This week is huge because its the last week before hometowns, and were here already?
Without an international trip or a couple fraught two-on-ones, its hard to gauge the passage of time.
Until that first date card arrives.
Greg and Katies date is a Potemkin version of Seattle.
A few fruit stands and some whole fish is supposed to represent Pikes Place Market?
Katie also eats an oyster thats been sitting in the sun and gags.
And after his father died, he hasnt let his guard down with anyone.
This is good mom conversation on a date.
Remember this for later.
Greg gets the rose and they go outside and make out in a manufactured rain storm.
Katie screams THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF OUR JOURNEY!
This is wild, unhinged rom-com energy and all Greg has to do is not fuck it up.
Why is he still here?
Why didnt he get a one-on-one?
Can anyone tell us literally one fact about him?
Is he best friends with Blake but we didnt hear about that on camera at all?
Mike P. is getting a one-on-one and Brendan is losing it.
He heads over to Katies suite and puts on his finest chapstick.
Hes getting a smooch or some reassurance if it kills him.
He has so much to offer.
HARD CUT to Brendan dragging a suitcase down the hall.
(Is it just me or was the editing this episode … a little inelegant?)
Its time for the group date!
This is what I do.
This is my mission.
Michael A. sculpts a thicc ass.
The images must be burned lest they summon juicy, muscular asses and formal stick figures with no heads.
The pressure is on for the night portion of the date.
Blake, what the fuck?
If you cant use one of the 12 designated Falling for you phrases, dont say anything at all.
But not one of the good Homegoods.
Like, a city Homegoods.
Theres no serving dishes or accent lamps, only argan oil and shower curtains.
Katie loves that she can feel herself around Justin, and he says, I love that about us.
Well … there might be a bit more planning required.
Katie is the ultimate Cool Girl and Im starting to see the appeal.
Andrew recreates their one-on-one and tells her that hes falling for her.
Its time for Mike P.s one-on-one date.
Honestly, we all knew the writing was on the wall before this nonsense even started.
Lets put the virgin on the date that requires subtle navigation of body language and sexual chemistry.
Theyre greeted by the lady who lives in the woods.
Katie finally sits Mike P. down and tells him shes not just feeling it.
Its time to get ruthless and send the virgins home.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Lets do this shit.
Blake and Justin get the final two roses of the week.
What a fucking twist!
I had Andrew going all the way to the top three and it seems like Katie did too!
Andrews crying in the limo as Katie breaks down on the ground to her producers.
What if she made a mistake!
I kind of hate this.
Just let her go.
Just let everything go.
Everyone just move on.
Its a game show.
When I saw that man pull that out of his pocket … its motherfucking rom-com time.
The note says, If you change your mind, Ill be waiting … with a lil smiley face.
The other thing about rom-coms?
They have absolutely no sense of boundaries.
This is a WILD thing to give to someone in the real world.
Katie sprints down the hallway and screams Andrews name and jumps into his arms when she finds him.
She asks him if even a part of him would want to come back.
Andrew… come back.
Andrew tells her that he cant do that.
Wait… what the fuck?!?!?
Dont give the note if youre not willing to follow through!
That would be like if inThe Notebook,Ryan Gosling wrote psyche!
at the bottom of all his letters!
Katie gets the closure she needs from Andrews kiss, and shes one step closer to finding her husband.
