The Bachelorette
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According toThe Bachelorette,every woman can be distilled down to two essential components.
Forget your sun and moon sign.
Forget your four-letter personality profile, and forget those numbers that everyone seems to have figured out.
I mean, did yall take a quiz or something?
How does everyone know that theyre a seven?!?!
Imagine if she was an actuary who did Model U.N. She sets clear expectations, follows through, and holds herself to the same standards.
Shes gonna hit them with the quiet coyote, and it will be over for these clowns.
And we are BURNING through story.
THIS MAN IS REALLY PUSHING MY BUTTONS is next week?!?!
He must be dealt with.
Lets get to it.
Theres going to be two group dates and one one-on-one date.
WHOSE CHILDREN ARE THOSE!!!?!?!?!
This is … cruel?
Michelle asks, How many times is it acceptable to call Miss Michelle beautiful in a day?
Brandon draws an eight because hes unclear on what exactly the infinity symbol is.
Romeo says, 925,600 times.
I love watching these guys attempt comedy.
Peter takes this as a Shakespearean-level slight, and in his confessional, he says Im not a narcissist!
I was making tremendous progress!
I was shining in that group.
Nope, not a narcissist.
Its time for the after-party of the group date, and does Michelle have chemistry with everyone?
Will also says, What else do you have to offer besides a slice, bro?
Will is a superstar.
Meanwhile, back at the resort, the one-on-one date card arrives, and it goes to Jamie!
Sir, are you aware what television program youre on?
Idesperatelyhate when men do this because ONLY THE MEN DO THIS.
Im just saying, do not underestimate pen-and-paper-based stratagem to get a kiss.
Michelle takes Peter aside and tells him that she heard him yelling.
How could that be a thing for you?
How often are you being put down in front of tiny children?
This bitch gets it and makes it happen.
What an incredible way to let him know that his behavior was unacceptable and why it freaked her out.
And it forces him to get his shit together so he can be worthy of her.
Brandon gets the group date rose.
I dont think hes going anywhere.
I demand to see this mans passport.
They go rock climbing in Joshua Tree and have a picnic on the top of the rock formation.
At dinner that night, they dive into their family lives.
He admires how empathetic Michelle is, which seems like a better standard for a partner.
He gets a rose.
I do not want to talk about Caroline Jones and reserve the right to not do that.
The winners will head to the after-party with Michelle, and the rest of them will go home.
Unless Michelle thinks theyre super hot, then theyll be able to go to the after-party.
The rest of the red team is DEVASTATED.
They are FUCKING GUTTED.
Its time for the cocktail party, and Jamie has chosen chaos.
And that boyfriend was a light-skinned baller.
And according to Jamie, Michelle is wasting everyones time, and she needs to answer for her crimes.
No, you and this alleged friend are the only ones talking about it.
Michelle immediately freaks out and decides that she must address the group, but she doesnt know how.
Jamie, how does this benefit you?!?
She explains that she exchanged two texts with Joe a couple years ago, and then he ghosted her.
Its creepy, and its weird, and I would like it to stop.
GREAT JOB, JAMIE!
The guys want to know who started the rumor, and Jamie does the Who said that?
GIF fromReal Housewives of Atlanta.Tayshia and Kaitlyn say that Michelle has canceled the rest of the cocktail party.
So here goes nothing.
