The Bachelorette
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One of those things.
Just imagine I did one of those things.
But what I want to do this week is just dive in because… Or as in-depth has these two people and the show are capable of.
Because Im putting together the context clues here and…has Tayshia ever dated a Black person before?
Like… girl… that shouldnt be a surprise to you considering everything.
But just think about how fucking nuts it was in America this summer.
Just let the show be a better show!
And Tayshia, get a Black girlfriend or something.
Okay, lets really get to it.
The first date of the week is a songwriting contest where the winner gets one-on-one time with Tayshia.
This is neither a group date nor a true one-on-one date.
Kenny is continuing to call Tayshia T, so hes got that going for him.
Its time for the performances.
Everyone attacks the task with an ABAB rhyme scheme and its just a lot to listen to.
Ivan is a fucking genius and asks Tayshia to sit next to him so they can connect.
Hes a real sweetie and he must be protected at all costs.
I dont like comparing women to creamy drinks but Im here for a song with structure.
Ivan is like Youre from… California?
Is Tayshia from Earth?
Has she met other people?
Was she brewed in a lab fueled by Sugar Bear Hair gummies and athleisure wear?
I beg of you, follow this feeling.
Ivan doesnt tell the story with any shame or pity for his brother.
[Law enforcement] has a job to do and they need to do it without hurting people…
It changed me as a man.
Ivan gets the rose.
For whatever classification of a date this is.
Meanwhile, the next date card arrives.
Zac, Kenny, Demar, Bennet, Riley, and Blake get another date for… some reason.
Literally everyone is silent in response for three full minutes.
No one fucking likes this Noah dude.
Bennett is the only one to break the silence and calls Noah greedy.
No time to unpack that because its morning already and time for the group date!
A group dance class?
Put them all in a bus and roll them out to the desert to hunt the jackalope.
There is a darkness here that I must turn away from.
Blake puts his leg up on the podium and really puts his back into it.
The final challenge is to eat a habanero and then propose to Tayshia.
Bennett gets down on one knee and has real feelings as hes proposing to her.
The way he describes his engagement breaking up makes me need way more information than hes revealing.
Tayshia goes to the other dudes with a question prepared for the Truth part of the evening.
First of all, no one is good friends with all of their exes.
Everybody got one motherfucker in their phone as DO NOT ANSWER and three skull emojis.
Second of all, thats not what she was asking.
You could have a good relationship with your ex but theyre still your ex.
Theres a reason yall arent together and thats what Tayshia wants to know.
Im friends with literally one of my exes and hed still be like, Shes a bit stubborn.
Zac and Tayshia make out in a hot tub and he gets the group date rose.
This season is really stretching my limits for how much Chris Harrison Im willing to watch.
And I guess my limit is Chris Harrison on a romantic one-on-one date with a man with no neck.
And build a more honest foundation for their relationship?
God damn it,Bachelorette.
You got me again.
Time for the rose ceremony!
Oh boy, Noah fucks this up immediately.
What you dont do is insinuate that everyone is questioning her judgement.
Everyone in this room.
She doesnt even stop walking as the guys stumble behind her.
Noah did not expect this.
Riley screams at Noah FIX IT!
He cant fix this.
Even Chassen has turned on Noah.
Tayshia walks in to the Prowler music fromInto the Spider-Verseand doesnt even have a speech.
She just starts throwing roses at these idiots.
JUSTICE FOR LIL JORDAN WITH THE GLASSES!
Noah says hes not going to change.
Hes only going to take it up a notch.
This dummy is going home next week.
