The Bachelorette
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If there ever was a platonic ideal of a Bachelorette, I think Tayshia might be that Bachelorette.
Shes perky; shes romantic; she loves God but shes not like …in love with God.
Shes also incredibly beautiful.
Shes stupid-beautiful in a way that almost feels like a joke.
Tayshia, are you fucking with me right now with those big-ass Pixar eyes, you dumb bitch?
Your face just looks like that?!
Shes single and ready to mingle.
Im gonna need you to tone it the fuck down.
Shes not your reward for suffering throughthe tempest that was Clare.
You didnt earn anything and you definitely havent earned her.
Everyone can just relax about 75 percent.
Okay, heres the real thing happening here.
It turns out, I do need more.
Lets get to it.
Tayshia just starts hugging dudes.
Someone hands Tayshia a tequila soda, and she says shes looking forward to a bomb-ass summer.
She might be the only person in America who actually had a bomb-ass summer.
Then Dale lifted her over his head and everything was fine again.
The first guy to take Tayshia aside is Ivan.
Riley takes her aside and asks her what she does for a living.
She confidently says that shes in the beauty and lifestyle space.
Tayshia sits down with Brandon …?
Yeah, that looks right.
Oh, there are just, like, four new guys.
Tayshia heads out to the front of the mansion as a limo pulls up.
Where did these guys come from?
How didThe Bachelorettejust have four guys on standby, cleared by the CDC?
Also, when did Tayshia quarantine?
First out of the limo is Spencer, whom Tayshia is immediately horny for.
Hes a white guy with a little stubble, a square-enough jaw, and hes wearing a suit.
This is the equivalent of running the vacuum during a fireworks display for these shelter dogs.
We meet Peter, who is … a human man.
Spencer is the first of the new guys to take Tayshia away.
While Tayshia is engaging in her montage at the cocktail party, Chris Harrison drops off the first-impression rose.
Clare gave her first-impression rose to Dale and look where we all are now.
Its a terrifying and thrilling prospect.
Zac sits down with Tayshia and they have some real chemistry.
Tayshia gives her first-impression rose to Spencer because he is the hottest one and she saw him relatively first.
She very aggressively pulls him in for a smooch.
Shes decided to cancel it so that she can get to know all the guys.
She is a merciful god!
Now, its time fora little detour to catch up with Clare and Dale.
and You lyin though?
She didnt blow anything up.
You cant have a first-impression rose and then question when someone falls in love at first sight.
Shes the one we gotta be suspicious of?
Give me an actual fucking break.
Clare and Dale say that they never talked before the season, and yknow what?
Why not believe them?
Because she did it too early?
Its time for dates.
Everyone is getting one this week, so c’mon, just relax.
This season is already showing its date-creativity fatigue.
We cant go anywhere.
If youre horny from being stuck in quarantine, this is the show for you.
Riley manages to gently elbow Spencer in the face to punish him for being new and having an opinion.
Theres still a full cocktail party at the end of the night.
Meanwhile, back at the suites, Braedaun gets the first one-on-one date card.
Ah, yes, falling in love too hard and too fast.
The exact thing that fucked this all up before.
Eazy gets the group-date rose.
He also says that he fell in love with Clare.
Who are all these people who were falling in love with Clare?
Jason heads over to Tayshias room to tell her that hes heading home.
Its time for Braedauns one-on-one date.
Tayshia picks him up on a horse and they ride around the resort.
What a romantic date.
Riding slowly around a resort in Palm Springs and then hanging out in a pool.
Also, is Tayshia a horse girl?
This whole date is centered on an extended Chris Harrison bit.
No one is looking for Chris Harrison bits.
They are in high supply and incredibly low demand.
Braedaun makes sure to say there wasnt infidelity or addiction or anything crazy like that.
All right, this is cute.
These are two little cuties and Im onboard for this.
They head over to another part of the resort and watch fireworks go off.
He gets the rose.
Tune in this season to see the guys get offended that someone said Tayshia is a smokeshow!
