The Bachelorette
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She strips it off and throws it across the ballroom at a PA who is sanitizing rose boutonnieres.
We can work with this.
We can do this.
We just have to … She starts pacing as she watches the monitors.
Clare is askinganothercontestant if Dale whispers her name as he falls asleep.
The ABC executive starts looking at her own Big Board.
She starts tapping the faces of the contestants and they light up or disappear.
As she frantically taps the faces on the board, Dales still wont flick off.
Why wont his face turn off?
Someone get Kornacki in here!
This thing is fucking busted!
Shes not tapping the faces anymore.
Shes banging her fists on the screen now.
Dales face is somehow getting bigger?
The ABC executive snaps her head to see the PA standing behind her.
Maybe what, you buffoon?
The PA clears her throat and steadies herself.
Maybe Clare doesnt owe us anything?
Hmmm … Maybe Clare doesnt owe us anything.
Not the other contestants, the show, the audience, not even you.
The ABC executive wipes her brow and smooths her hair.
She takes a step toward the PA. First of all, youre fired for speaking to me that way.
Second of all, kiss me you beautiful genius.
This was the most thrilled Ive been watching an episode ofThe Bachelorettein a long time.
This was sustained, long-lasting, call-your-doctor-if-an-erection-lasts-for-more-than-four-hours level of spectacular television.
Honestly, this idea that Clare is a bad Bachelorette is fucking laughable.
She got it done in a third of the time.
This bitch is the Usain Bolt of finding love.
She won the television program!
She did the thing we all want her to do!
IN A THIRD OF THE TIME!
Shes got the cheat codes!
She beat the final boss!
As far as this episode goes, there really wasnt much drama.
This show operates at its finest when we get to see a love story.
By the hometown visits, anyone who was there to peddle a T-shirt or juice cleanse is definitely gone.
But this season, we watched that from the moment Dale stepped out of the limo.
I wanna say Cherp?
Tonight ended with them on a happy couple visit doing theDirty Dancinglift.
If you dont like that, maybe you hate love.
Yeah, I fucking said it.
Plus … we got TAYSHIA.
Fucking MEGABABE with a MEGAWATT SMILE.
YES, YES, YES, GIVE IT TO ME.
INJECT TAYSHIA WEARING THAT GOLD DRESS INTO MY FUCKING VEINS.
Lets get to it.
The guys can tell that something is up and most of them are pissed that shes not being honest.
Chris Harrison comes in and is wildly unprepared to have a Tough Talk with the lead.
He keeps asking her to just be honest, no bullshit.
Hes trying so hard to be the good cop and the bad cop.
Clare finally gives up the game and says that shes falling in love with Dale.
She admits that once the show had to go into quarantine,she started Instagram stalking Dale.
Oh, man, I love it.
So then you read a couple of the papers he cited in his paper?
Clare says she never slid into his DMs or anything.
It was all just the irrational response of love at first sight.
Then he was just not a dick to her and affirmed her feelings and boom!
Chris Harrison is crying.
Im having a great fucking time.
She didnt break the season by throwing a fit or being cruel.
Bless you, Clare.
You did what none of us had the bravery to do.
Chris Harrison still has to get his amazing line off: Congratulations, youve just blown upThe Bachelorette.
Clare decides that all she wants is to spend as much time with Dale as possible.
She needs to figure out if he feels the same way.
From this point on, no one stops her from doing anything she wants.
No one on production fucks with her.
She just gets to do it!
For all the turmoil and hand-wringing leading up to the season, this all unfolds pretty predictably.
Theres not even a talking head from Dale about him having doubts.
It was the last 20 minutes in your favorite romantic comedy.
So lets fucking enjoy it.
Chris Harrison decides to communicate all of this information in the most opaque way possible.
The rest of the contesticles are also so dumb.
Theres no principals office.
Theres only Clares bedroom.
Clare is waiting for Dale in an amazing red lace and sequin dress next to the resorts recycling drop-off.
Shes finally getting her one-on-one date with Dale, and shes going to tell him how she feels.
She tells him that she sees the same qualities in him that she saw in her dad.
What is with these Bachelorettes and their deceased dads?
Dale is … hard to read.
What are your parents like?
He avoids blinking too much so he doesnt subconsciously signal that hes in love with her too early.
This is romantic-comedy logic, folks.
Our brains have been addled by Hallmark movies and the oeuvre of Drew Barrymore.
She loves that he wears his loafers without socks.
She loves the way Dale takes 30 minutes to order a salad.
He had her at hello.
They make out an alarming amount and Dale says, It is what it is!
Clare says, What is happening?
Dale says, Life!
Written by Nora Ephron.
The rest of the contesticles still think Dale is in trouble.
They head to Clares hotel suite for a night of passion.
What are we gonna tell people?
Do you want to do it again?
Dale also thinks theyre going to finish the season.
You sweet, gentle Spirit Halloween model.
Chris Harrison visits Clare again to find out if everything went according to plan.
She knew she couldnt hesitate anymore when it came to grabbing her person.
Then Chris Harrison tells her that a proposal is next.
Are you fucking kidding me?
We dont have to do this.
Theyre maybe 12 days into this relationship.
There are so many ways to commit to your love without a proposal.
One of them is to say theyre going to be exclusive with each other.
Romantically and dramatically define the relationship.
Post your relationship status on Facebook together.
Get a set of mugs that says Khal and Khaleesi.
Shed probably do it.
Who could be surprised?
The men are silent.
BUT NOT BLAKE M. He tells her that he knows shes going to end up hurt.
How can you be so sure so quick!
ALSO KENNY CHIMES IN.
Say what, my good bitch?
Clare says she will NOT apologize for love!
She also says, For what?
which is amazing and hilarious.
He says she should apologize for wasting their time and faking it with all of them.
She was in love with Dale on the first night.
She doesnt owe you anything.
She was going to break up with all of you except one person.
Plus, most Bachelorettes pick the guy they give their first-impression rose to.
Shes been faking it with all of you for a while.
It says a lot about you that you couldnt tell before now.
Ill have what shes saying.
She gets a few hugs from the guys and heads out into the sunset.
Chris Harrison calls Neil Lane, who drops in via helicopter to give Dale the ring.
Clare heads to the brunch patio for the final rose ceremony.
Chris Harrison tells her hes proud of her, and that was very sweet.
Dale meets Clare by the omelet station and its time for the moment of truth.
Will Dale propose to Clare?
OF COURSE HE WILL.
Clare says yes and tells him not to get up until shes put the ring on her finger.
Shes waited a long time for this.
(Wasnt she also engaged to Benoit?)
Jason expressed a feeling to her and she didnt marry him!
Lets fucking do this.
To be continued …
