The Bachelorette
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Dear friends and the occasional hater, Im back!
you’re free to make them go inanydirection.
And boy, oh boy, to return toThe Bacheloretteand still somehow be in the same week is mind-boggling.
Does the Hyatt Regency Tambourine exist outside space and time?
I need literally every single person on this television program to chill the absolute fuck out about Thomas.
I wish they all would stop lying!
Yeah, sure, you technically could meet someone and fall in love.
That is a possibility within reason, I guess.
More likely, youre gonna get drunk, go snorkeling, and have some casual sex.
That sounds like a great week!
So, c’mon, can everyone stop pretending like theyre the Knights of the Round Table?
But I guess Im the asshole, because the continued collective bargaining worked.
Oh, I desperately want these men to realize their power and begin testing the fences.
Lets get to it.
The episode opens on a turkey vulture strolling around the property for his morning jog.
And since the show thinks we forgot, we cut to a grainy black-and-white flashback of Thomass alleged crimes.
Bruh, at this point, youre basically Ralph Nader.
Its time for the second group date of the week, and were already repeating pandemic group dates.
The contesticles will have to race around the hotel grounds and embarrass themselves!
In just this one dare, theres a whole dissertation on anti-fat bias and diet culture.
Then, the completely unprompted and unrealistic comment that Katie better still love Mike P if he gets fat.
Does… does he think its good, or is this just, like, an extended bit?
Im curious as to what Andrews endgame is with breaking that accent out.
This is in no way going to last.
Andrew shows Katie that hes prepared two tacos and a deconstructed Lunchable.
Katie says, Cheers to foodies!, and neither of them know what a foodie is AT ALL.
There are, like, two full men on this date that I have no idea who they are.
Is there someone named Johnnifer?
The purpose of alliances is to eliminate your competition!
Tre decides hes going to ruin the whole date to bring up Thomas to Katie.
Andrew points out that one guaranteed outcome is losing time with Katie over the drama.
On this here television program?
Thats literally how it works.
Tre sits down with Katie and doesnt listen while she talks and waits so he can bring up Thomas.
Oh wow, you liked to go Jet-Skiing with your dad?
You know who I wouldnt trust to drive me around on a Jet-Ski?
Andrew tells her that Thomas came here with the intention to be the Bachelor and hes a manipulative manipulator.
How has he manipulated people?
Katie says, Tell me more.
Katie is, among many things, a messy bitch who lives for drama.
Tre comes back and Andrew calls him a Buzz Killington for sparking drama and killing the whole vibe.
The rest of the guys tell her that they have their concerns but they trust her intuition.
Tre gets the group-date rose because a producer said he had to.
Who could it be?
Could it be the guy shes been DMing with for weeks, or could it be literally anyone else?
Kaitlyn should have been there to provide some advice on bringing a multi-appearance contestant into your season.
But the advice might have just been, Hell just end up being the Bachelor.
So Katie goes to meet Blake …
I mean the mystery guy who hasnt been teased at all in commercials.
Just what every girl wants to hear.
Katie says, Youre a troublemaker, which is white girl for Oh, we fuckin.
The contesticles show up for the cocktail party and theres one salmon jacket missing.
Thomas heads over to Katies hotel room to clear his name.
And we could talk about a lot of what he says.
Very cool that its all about you!)
But we gotta GOTTAgottatalk about the fact that Thomas says de-monsterize.
Could you use it in a sentence?
Its been hard to listen as my integrity and my reputation has been de-monsterized.
Lets just …okay.
You would want your integrity to be de-monsterized, no?
To be unlike a monster or a monsters integrity.
What word was he trying to use?
Katie is not having it and is staring with intensity into the middle distance until Thomas stops speaking.
Shes gotta think about it.
Bury our heads in the sand!??
Dont yell at me!
I need Aaron to take it down 200 notches.
Katie finally comes in and says she doesnt even want to do a fucking cheers.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Uhh … its time for the roses?!?!?
She then TAKES A STEP BACKWARD and tells him his audition for Bachelor ends now so get out.
Would thoust like to live deliciously?!!!
Inject that shit directly into my goddamn veins.
Im very excited for everyones browsing history.
Then Blake gets locked out of his hotel room.
Local Bach 41 is going to goon strike.
