The Bachelorette
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You show me a parent being handed their child for the first time?
Almost any engagement or wedding on this godforsaken dating reality show?
Its teary with a chance of blubbering.
This finale?This finale?My eyes were drier than the wood used to build Zozobra.
My reaction to this whole affair was, Ugh, sure.
I guess?!??!
ButThe Bachelorettehad everything it could have wanted.
When youve made the sale, stop selling!
But unfortunately, I think Katie wasnt that kind of Bachelorette.
She isnt prone to grand moments of romance.
She spent the entire episode reminding us that she doesnt need Blake and she doesntneedanyone, quite frankly.
Stop trying to tell us shes a Carrie when shes really a Miranda, okay?
Lets get to it.
My first notes are, Huh, I guess theyre still doing fantasy suites.
First up in the Fantasy Suite order is Blake, and oh shit, Justin doesnt have a chance.
Can we have a moment for poor Justin?
That dear sweet man with all his eyebrows.
They kept you there too long and we probably wont see you in Paradise.
We hardly knew you.
You dont have to do that.
And his response is just, …
cool?!?!
Which, again … cool.
Or theyre just in their late 20s/early 30s.
As in, Im positive these two had some crazy sex.
But now Katie has to break up with Justin.
Justin is so excited and so open and wants the fantasy suite so bad!
Only good things for Justin!!
Katie meets him by a gazebo and asks him to sit down so they can talk.
Justin should have just gone to get his suitcase at that point.
It doesnt make sense for Justin to meet her family.
Hell make a great husband.
Hell make a great father.
Katie thanks him for his contributions to the franchise and sends him on his way.
Plus, some Justin face bloops!
Its time for Blake to meet Katies mom and her aunt, and Aunt Lindsay is not fucking around.
Neither is Katies mom.
These two women have studied the utility of men and found them lacking.
Blake explains that hes basically unemployed right now, but hell eventually have to go back to Africa.
The closed-captioning reads [apprehensive music] as Rhonda Lee and Aunt Lindsay start putting things together.
Aunt Lindsay says, You flunked out of the lastBacheloretteand neither of them wanted you.
So whats your fucking deal, guy?
And Blake doesnt really have an answer.
What did they talk about during the fantasy suite?!?!
Have they talked aboutanythingsubstantial?
Rachel Lindsay had the guys show their Equifax credit reports.
Aunt Lindsay says, You ultimately mean nothing.
We have to want you here, because we dont need you here.
I love this bitch.
All Ill say is one of Katies fears is not being good enough for Blake.
No disrespect to Blake, but most of us are good enough for Blake.
The next segment of the episode is basically titled BLAKE IS GOING THROUGH IT but ultimately proposes.
His brain is scrambled eggs and he has a meltdown while picking out a ring with Tayshia.
Its time to head to Proposal Bluff and Katie is wearing a good dress!
Her color is green and Im proud of her in this moment.
She is not a column-gown girl; she needs an A-line and thats okay!
Tayshia is wearing a backless hybrid blazer-jumpsuit and the stylist on this season must be stopped.
Blake heads to the proposal altar to greet Katie.
She tells him that he arrived a little late but really, he arrived right on time.
Love shows up when it wants, even to spite time, tradition, and expectations.
Thats a Capricorn if I ever heard one.
Blake fakes her out.
He says he cant give her what she came here for because ……………………………………. she deserves the world.
He gets down on one knee to propose and Katie screams, WHAT!
She keeps repeating, I hate you so much!
I love you and hate you!
What a way to start your life together.
Tayshia and Kaitlyn take credit for their happiness and they cheers some glasses of champagne.
But because we just cant help it, its time for Gr*gs turn in the hot seat.
Katie comes out and doesnt hug or acknowledge Greg.
Good God, woman.
This … this is not flattering.
For the record, gaslighting isnt making someone feel like its their fault.
Thats just not what it is.
Its making someone question their perception of reality.
If someone says, My feelings are hurt and I think you did that, thats not inherently gaslighting.
Thats someone expressing a feeling and wanting accountability from their partner.
She also tells him he doesnt know the true meaning of love.
How dare a mere mortal ask anything of her.
You dont wanna see Katie say Sure without making eye contact when Kaitlyn asks if she got closure.
Time for Blake to come out!!!!!!
This segment should be titled, WE LITERALLY NEVER TALKED ABOUT GETTING ENGAGED but we did it!
Katies family doesnt know shes engaged and …what?
Its like your best friend married her rebound guy and youre happy if shes happy!
(Youre happy, right?)
See youliterallynext week forBachelor in Paradise!Becca Kufrin, why?
