The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart
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I tune into reality TV for a clear delineation between events and locations.
It marches along with a comfortable predictability.
Even the contestants know if they make it to the international trips, theyre almost there.
There are whole-ass contestants we never heard speak words this episode.
Im looking at rooms in the Bachelor mansion I have never laid eyes on before.
Right before the first roses were handed out, Chris Harrison says Tomorrow, everything will change.
Bitch, what will, and how?
Why havent they started SINGING TOGETHER YET?
Isnt that the whole thing of this thing?
Lets get to it.
We begin in a void free from the constraints of time and space.
This week the guys will have the roses and therefore, all of the power.
But first, we have to get through an impossible number of date cards.
Up first, Jamie gets the first date card.
She picks Trevor and they head to Venice Beach.
Theyre going to…
BUSK ON THE STREET?
We are encountering a broke musician hell that I was not aware existed.
Jamie is somehow on a performance-based reality TV show and has no real performance experience.
They manage to make almost $85.
I dont want this for these people.
Can we just hurry along to the part where Kesha tells them that they have no chemistry?
She introduces herself by going, Im 33.
Im looking for a husband, my baby daddy.
I want a grown ass man.
Im not a diva, but Im a diva.
Baby daddy stuff aside, I love her and I wish her all the best.
But Natascha is there not just because shes got amazing hair and is 7 feet tall.
Shes there because shes friends with Trevors ex and he cheated on his ex-girlfriend.
Shes 21, so all of that tracks.
So when Jamie and Trevor come home from their date, Natascha decides to ruin Trevors fucking life.
She sits down and tells him that she knows he completely betrayed his last ex.
Trevor says he onlyemotionallycheated and would never physically cheat.
What a great guy.
He also tries to say at first that he never lied to his last girlfriend.
Cheating is lying, my dude.
Natascha doesnt let him off the hook and I worship her.
But instead of completing this thread, Bri gets a date card?
What day is this?
Is everyone wearing the same clothes?
Its like perpetual night during a Swedish winter.
She takes Chris and they head to a very important Guitar Center to wander around and sing.
I was on my couch screaming DONT JUST DO YOUR DIALOGUE TO THE MUSIC!
I have notes for Bri and Chris.
Even the internal, organic storytelling in this show is edited poorly.
Trevor tries to pretend he doesnt know Nataschas name, as if that helps somehow.
Too late, my dude.
Jamie decides that she cant end everything over something that happened a year and a half ago.
c’mon, someone guide this poor woman.
Shes never sung in public before and she has no idea how to make romantic decisions for herself.
I guess shes getting a rose.
Its allegedly a new day and Sheridan gets a date card.
He knows hes going to take Julia even though shes completely ambivalent about spending time with him.
They head to the iHeart Radio studios for an interview.
They head to up to a little stage and perform a Maren Morris song for just the radio DJ.
Sheridan is so nervous that it sounds like hes singing while trying to balance on an exercise ball.
They kiss and the radio DJ pumps his fist as their success.
What am I looking at?
Back at the house, there are two new arrivals: Mariana and Ruby.
They both are there to shake things up and they dont give a fuck what couples are already established.
Oh, whats that?
Entirely zero focus on either of them as human beings this episode?
Its an unyielding, unceasing stream of date cards!
They get to watch Marty and Elaine, a couple thats been performing at The Dresden for 38 years.
Marty and Elaine invite Brandon and Savannah onstage because its Open Mic Night.
Uh huh, sure.
Savannah and Brandon sing Fever and Ive never seen two people with less charisma or sexual chemistry.
Itisreally hard to know what to do with your hands.
These are their best jazzy singer impressions.
Rudi and Ruby sing Love is a Losing Game on the piano.
Its time for the rose ceremony and there are a few key objectives.
Someone has to lock Brandon down and Rudi has to physically and emotionally overwhelm at least two men tonight.
Now its Julias turn to make a run at snag Brandon.
He basically tells her that hes only interested in Savannah but she does not care.
Shes looking out for herself and she tries to insinuate that Savannah is emotionless.
She jumps on Brandon for a less awkward make-out session.
She then jumps on him.
Thank God Chris Harrison arrives and its time for the Rose Ceremony.
Chris gives his rose to Bri, Trevor gives his rose to Jamie.
Two people Ive never heard of, Danny and Bekah, end up paired off.
Brandon gives his rose to Savannah.
Sheridan picks Julia because he would combust if he didnt.
Mel, Mariana, and Cheyenne are all going home.
Hmm….I wonder if they have anything in common?
So, youre telling her that theres a chance?
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