The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart
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I haveso very manyquestions about this show.
I watched Chris Harrison explain the premise about 15 times during this two-hour premiere, but Im still lost.
What are the stakes?!
Are they supposed to get engaged at the end of this?
Do they get a recording contract?
Are more people being eliminated?
What is Jason Mraz going to do?
Ishegoing to eliminate someone?
Is Kesha a judge?
Can they just sing whenever they want?
Can they only sing a list of preapproved and pre-licensed songs so they avoid paying additional royalties?
What woman was John Mayer emotionally tormenting instead of appearing on this episode?
In execution, itsBachelor in Paradisewith strangers in California.
Lets get to it.
After Chris Harrison lays out the very thin plot, its time to meet some of our alleged musicians.
For the guys, every singer-songwriter archetype is represented.
Sheridan is the long-haired Austin weirdo.
Brandon is the straightlaced Marine turned musician who serenades a veterans memorial.
Not like the event, the location.
Gabe is a Christian a capella sweetie who also plays the cello.
Trevor barely made it onAmerican Idoland honestly, this might be a lateral move.
Its almost stunning to remember that there are other kinds of hot than just square-headed, failed athlete.
The women are all just standard-issue Instagram hot and all under 30!
The producers couldnt find one weird punk 35-year-old?
We meet Bri, who was engaged and is ready to meet her new valentine and future husband.
Hold on, is that whats going to happen here?
Like, is that the expectation?Do they get a record deal?
Savannah is a wild-child yoga instructor.
Its time for the songtestants (Im still workshopping it) to head to the Bachelor Mansion.
Chris Harrison greets them at the door, and then they can just … walk around?
They are getting free rein of Bachelor Mansion like weve never seen before.
Theres no Rose Ceremony, so its just emotional chaos.
Jamie hits it off with Ryan because they are the first two people there.
In fact, if theyre good people, it might be in spite of them being musicians.
Jamie and Ryan sit down and have a deep conversation.
He was 6 when this happened.
This new format really has these songtestants struggling to know where to deploy their backstories.
Rudi is 24 and has dated all of L.A. already.
Theyre doing it right.
She hits it off with Matt, and the countdown clock until she messes it up starts ticking.
Then theres Michael Todd.
What in the Whaboom is this motherfucker?
He squeak-sings his song Hot Touch, and everyone backs away slowly.
He tells Savannah that he really likes her lips and tries to kiss her.
She almost snaps her neck trying to whip it away from his face.
The men and women split into the rooms and start claiming whom they are interested in.
Sheridan realizes that other guys could be interested in Julia and some of them are hot!
Its almost refreshing watching these normies make a run at figure out how the Bachelor food cycle operates.
Is that The Dream?
Are all these musicians walking around thinking all their other relationships have failed because they werent with another singer?
Its about one very famous person discovering a very talented unknown then unconsciously sabotaging her success.
Its been based on how big I think their penis might be.)
Oh god, theyre already singing.
Theyre already playing the piano and singing.
But when everyone can sing, the uniqueness is taken away.
If everyone can sing, then no one can sing.
But these guys are making MOVES.
Matt decides to take Rudi into the hot tub to make it attack her with kisses.
She freezes up and doesnt kiss him, thus launching what will be days of anxiety.
Jamie takes Trevor into the hot tub and they are MAKING OUT.
Ryan is about to be left in the dust.
Its the next morning, and the first date card arrives!
They have no idea what to do!
Ryan gets the first date card and he decides to take Jamie.
They head to Capitol Records, and Ryan looks around and just goes, Beach Boys.
Oh, so this show is just all covers?
Ryan gets to play John Mayers guitar, which is a huge honor.
Everyone sounds like theyre doing Shawn Mendes vocal cosplay.
Also, because of the style of singer on this show, every song becomes a vaguely country-pop song.
This is going to be rough.
He picks Mel, and Rudi begins rewriting the exchange in her mind to make Matt the villain.
The date is a backyard concert with The Plain White Ts.
Matt says its absolutely mind-blowing to hear The Plain White Ts not play Hey There Deliah.
We get almost no other footage of the date.
Sheridan tries to steal her away but ends up just watching her make out with Josh.
Sheridan does steal her away and asks her to finish writing a song hes working on.
Instead of coming up with any lyrics, they just make out.
But she is not remotely interested in that bullshit.
Matt sits down with her and says, You look so good, and she tells him Okay.
Dont waste your breath.
This is terrifying and amazing!
Rudi asks him if he remembers what they talked about before he asked Mel on his date.
Rudi tells him that he hurt her and he made her look like a dumbass.
Matt walks away stunned and hopes Rudi doesnt talk about him to every other woman.
Trevor tries to show Jamie how much hes interested in her and takes her aside for a little chat.
Shes too horny to function, yall.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
There is more than one person Ive never heard speak during this episode.
Mel gives her rose to Gabe, and Matt is screwed.
Bekah picks Danny; these are two strangers to me.
Cheyenne picks Matt because Sometimes you just have to take a chance.
We should read that as Sometimes you just have to do what producers tell you to maximize drama.
Julia gives her rose to Sheridan, and its time for Jamies decision.
She picks … Trevor!
Maybe next week, well get to the performances?
And two other women arrive?
Listen to your heart and drink heavily for the next episode.
