PEN15
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Every time you hear this song, think about how Im breaking up with you.
Cause thats what Im doing now.
Has there ever been a more unhinged way to dump someone?
Barring murdering one party?
Not evenJake Gyllenhaalhas it in him to be this casually cruel.
Things never go smoothly for Maya.
Life isnt easy for Anna, but its borderline catastrophic for UGIS.
Annas first kiss was awkward; Maya didnt even get her order of operations right.
Immediately, its horror-movie vibes.
The boys resume what they had presumably been doing before going to get the girls namely, jamming.
Get ready for about a decade of sitting there while boys dick around on the guitar, ladies.
It does not get better.
Derrick doesnt want to let Maya drum along despite her father being a professional drummer.
This irks Anna, sowing the seeds of the breakup to follow.
But even musical brotherhood cant combat teen horniness.
Anna and Steve hide their shame under a blanket,ortolan-style.
Derrick invites Maya to his room, which, of course, is in the basement.
Derrick has big basement-kid vibes.
Maya thinks shes getting her first kiss, but Derrick is interested only in a blowjob.
Poor Maya, confronted with a wang before even kissing one boy.
Spitting means its in your mouth for longer, but you also dont wind up digesting jizz.
Maya says shes okay, and Anna thinks shes cool and brave for going through with the blowjob.
But we all know better.
Meanwhile, chez Anna, Kathy and Curtis are doing some actual parenting.
Co-parenting, no less!
Anna apologizes for Daddys death, and Real Daddy does his best to ease her pain/guilt.
The conversation turns inevitably to Steve.
Anna feels that Steve doesnt take her seriously enough but also that she wants to marry him.
Okay, heres the thing: Steves days are numbered, but Ive actually come around on him.
He saw greatness in her when she couldnt see it in herself and made her a stage manager.
A boyfriend can be so much worse.
Observe D.
Derrick dumps Maya to the sounds of Smooth, by Carlos Santana ft. Sam has a better idea: egg the fuckers house.
Can I just say Ive missed the Real Teens?
Glad to get a proper good-bye to them.
Once again, Shuji shows up for his sister, ready to egg Derricks gigantic farmhouse.
Who isnt showing up for Maya, however, is Steve.
Steve recognizes that his boy did something fucked up, but still he cannot betray him.
Whose back do you have?
And, of course, Steve chooses his friend, just as Anna chooses hers.
They part ways, which almost seems like a relief to Anna.
She really doesnt need another persons feelings to put ahead of her own.
The Ishii-Peters house is out of eggs, so the kids resort to using baby squid.
Its a nice coda to both the season and the series as a whole.
Now people are helping them achieve vengeance.
Derricks oft-absent mother comes out to holler, scattering the squid-throwing youth.
Shuji and Anna go one way; Sam and Maya go another.
And its during this fugitive moment that Maya actually gets her first kiss.
Sam even asks first!
We stan a teen boy with even the flimsiest grasp on consent.
But Sam has put in the work.
Taj Cross has been serving nuanced face all season; you cant help but be in his corner.
And Maya is finally in a place where she can maybe accept affection when its freely given.
After reconnoitering, Maya and Anna go through old baby photos and pictures.
Its almost as if they know their show is ending.
Not many people are still super-close with their middle-school BFF, but you want these two to make it.
The idea of their falling out is terrifying, more panic-inducing than Annas brush with existentialism.
These girls lives have been so hard, and theyve often had only each other to rely on.
But conversely, will they feel as bonded to each other if life ever gets easier?
(Of course, we know that part isnt true.
Real Maya and Real Anna are doing Real Motherhood simultaneously,right the fuck now.
Try not to cry so hard you barf.)
They even imagine their future divorces.
And Maya will take care of Anna when she gets sick.
Dont worry about if itll change; theres literally everything else in the world to worry about instead.
Trust that your friend has your back.
