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You know that thing people say about Taco Bell?
Made-for-TV Christmas is the Taco Bell of entertainment genres.
Although this year, we have to ask: How did they do it in 2020?
How did the powers that be manage to pull 82 newChristmas movies(and one Hanukkah film!)
out of their proverbial gingerbread asses, amid all the lockdowns and quarantines and restrictions and malaise?
Between Davis, Garber, and Levy, this film has queer Canadian excellence written all over it.
Based on the trailer, at one point MacDowell will give a moving Elios dad speech.
Who NeedsThe CrownWhen You Have Fake Royals?
Hes a prince and shes just a regular-degular Christmas-loving person.
The one condition of the job is she must complete it … by Christmas.
Luckily, the Prince (Neal Bledsoe) is there to help.
Boy, theyre really running out of alliterations for Christmas.
Now with33 percent more Vanessa Hudgens.
A family holiday classic on sight.
Its in a class of its own.
Based on the trailer, hes kind of an … action Santa?
Who wears sunglasses and plays the sax?
And Goldie Hawn is there too?
A Jewish Mrs. Claus speaks to me on deep personal levels.
Those CGI elves gotta go right to jail though.
It should be about Tia and Tamera.
He was a hockey player.
Can I make it any more obvious?
So he (Ryan Cooper) helps her fight the injustice and also falls in love with her maybe-probably.
Meanwhile, she falls in love with a guy (Andrew Walker) whos secretly working for the developer!
Will she save Christmas Tree Lane?
Meanwhile, shell bring Christmas back to town and charm the hot wine guys mom, Meredith Baxter.
Glad to see the writers having a little fun.
His son Clint is a total hottie whos back in town though.
Will he and Kendall have a Montagues and McCree-pulets sort of thing going?
But her high-school rival has their eye on the inn as well.
What were they rivals at?
The high-school Mock Hospitality club?
Shes sad in a pretty and demure way.
Or do you think they enjoy it?
Its about Christmastime romance at an army base in Guam.
Maybe youll remember them from the 2004 Disney Channel Original MovieTiger Cruise,starring Hayden Panettiere.
Nuclear codes, probably.
A Wedding?
While there, she falls in love with a handsome local.
Will she be the titular jingle bell bride?
Were frankly obsessed with this extremely demanding bride.
Making her wedding planner pluck a rare flower from a glacier because its her special day?
Youwillwant to watch this because Lorraine Braccoisin it.
This movie would be so much better if it was about Christoph Waltz.
But she (the third Evergreen townsfolk) is questioning her relationship with some other Evergreen person.
Thisll be huge for fans of the lastChristmas in Evergreenmovie.
It will be small for the rest of us.
One of them didnt hold up their end of the bargain.
Yes, I will watch two nerds fall in love while they put together a city-wide Christmas scavenger hunt.
The Christmas Aunt got you tickets to the Spice World tour.
The Christmas Aunt is finally getting her life together.
This one is about an antique ring and a reporter looking for the love story behind it.
Because of the name?
Oh, am Iboringyou?
Too bad, weve got more Christmas to cover.
Or maybe the uncle sold it to the hot attorney?
Dont fuck this up, Erin!
Remember Restaurants?
Case in point: This one stars Nia Vardalos!
Did I screw up by not making a separate category for visiting your familys ranch?
This is basically ifRatatouillewas a sexy rom-com between Remy and Anton Ego and also it was Christmas.
Actually thats a good idea yo dont steal it.
Love, Lights, Hanukkah!
(Hallmark, December 20 at 8 p.m.)Boy is Hallmark shaking things up this year!
With Ben Savage fromBoy Meets World,no less!
Thats kind of a funny troll.
Shame that this airs AFTER HANUKKAH IS OVER.
You had eight nights, HALLMARK.
The amount of effort put in: Go girl, give us nothing.
Jessica Fletcher is rolling her eyes in her … grave?
Did Jessica Fletcher die or is she canonically alive?
but sparks fly when shes visited by the editor who canceled her column.
Because in the fantasy fairy world ofChristmas She Wrote,negging works!
Maybe she just Caint Say No to a really good off-season spa package.
Her ex-boyfriend slash ex-bandmate is staying at the same castle(???)
and helps her rediscover her passion for music and maybe her passion for him as well.
Hes probably also American.
Feliz NaviDAD(Lifetime, November 21 at 8 p.m.)Lifetime iskilling itwith the puns this year.
He meets a witty musician on his delivery route, so itll be a very feliz navi-dad indeed.
The subject in question?
A mysterious Christmas-loving hunk who insists all those gifts he gives out are aaaaaactually from Saaaaaanta.
What she doesnt know is that theyre the same person!
LikeYouve Got Mailwithout the conflict.
But dont let that anodyne description lull you into a false sense of trust.
BecauseForever Christmasis, get this, aregift.It was originally released in 2018 under the nameMr.
365on romance streaming service Passionflix.com, but Lifetime doesnt want you to know that.
This leads me to question what else in my life is a lie.
Their relationship will be built on a mountain of lies!
She probably just strings up some fairy lights and finds herself a boyfriend.
Maybe God just had something stuck in his eye with this one.
Some third job that women are allowed to have on your channel?
It continues: Together they rediscover what matters most in life.
She teams up with her old high school friend Billy, a very suspicious name for a full-grown adult.
Tread carefully, Suzi.
Lets Pretend-Date Until We for-Real-Date.
The thousand monkeys have tapped away at their thousand typewriters and we have run out of all further ideas.
Cranberry Christmas(Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, October 31 at 10 p.m.)Againwith the alliteration!
Yes I realize that complaint is also alliterative.
A separated couple feign marital bliss on national television to help their towns Christmas festival and their business.
Wow, I hate these people already!
(Hallmark, November 25 at 8 p.m.)Great title.
Shes also falling in love with the handsome son of the papers former owner, so theres that.
But when a larger media company threatens takeover, can Jackie save it with the power of Christmas?
A searing examination of the failures of the gig economy.
Lucky for Allie, shes assigned to a wealthy widower father and probably Von-Trapps him.
How embarrassing would it be if they couldnt get the rights to the Sia song for this?
I watched an episode ofLittle House on the Prairieabout this once so DM me for spoilers.
And the doctor … was a woman?
Dashing Home for Christmas(UPtv, November 22 at 7 p.m.)Shes a workaholic business consultant.
Hes a hot, laid back guy.
Theyre going to have to make it home for Christmas, together.
Its likePlanes, Trains and Automobiles,if Steve Martin and John Candy hooked up.
