Love Island
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Hello, greetings from the bad place!
Thirsty for any kind of shared levity.
Thirsty for sexy stuff both real and vicarious.
Thirsty for trash content while we patiently wait for TayshiasBachelorettereign.
But this year is a different time.
The bar has been lowered to subterranean levels.
Lucky for viewers (I guess?
),Love Island: Quarantine Edition doesnt feel much different from any other season.
Its still a bunch of hotties trying to win $100K for being Americas favorite couple.
Oh, and theyre introducing something called Casa Amore?
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In typical villafashion, the ladies arrive first.
Two foncy cars drive up and Cely and Moira get out.
Cely is absurdly pretty and just looking for someone who loves Cely as much as Cely loves Cely.
Now, imagine youre in hell.
Its a music festival.
Youre sunburnt, constipated, and stuck watching the Chainsmokers, eyes peeled back,Clockwork Orange-style.
That girl is Kaitlyn.
Not to be upstaged, Mackenzies also here.
All of her exes are millionaires.
It turns out the secret to having dark-circle-free doll eyes is sleeping through a lifetime of class solidarity discourse.
The women wait attentively in ankle-deep water, stepping forward if theyre interested.
Jeremiahs a model-handsome country boy with a facial hair decision he would have been better off not making.
Justine steps forward for him but he opts for Cely instead.
No one steps forward for him, so he picks Moira.
No one steps forward for former college football player Tre, either.
He steals Cely from Jeremiah.
I fall for this immediately, and so does Mackenzie, whom he chooses.
were a person instead of a nervous-tick phrase.
Jeremiah steps off the bench and is coupled with Justine to finish up five happy couples.
Theres already a twist.
Like everything else in my life right now, I remain unconvinced until presented with peer-reviewed data.
In other wait, what show are we watching?
But its not all smooth sailing.
Is this the same sweat from Carringtons nose hairs?
Its currently 109 degrees in Vegas and these men are wearing jeggings.
Everyone is fresh-off-Splash-Mountain damp at all times.
Jeremiah and Carrington get texts inviting them to the secret jacuzzi for dates with new girls Rachel and Kierstan.
(Note to producers: This would have been a more interesting turn of events.)
feeds him chocolate-covered strawberries in a lukewarm kiddie pool.
Once the newbies return, Mackenzie lets them know that Moira and James and she and Connor are off-limits.
It becomes a whole thing, and she storms off crying because shes totally not a jealous girl.
Then it becomes a whole separate thing because Connor should have immediately come running after her.
He tells her to just breathe, and oooh, my dude, this is not the move.
I cannot wait to discuss this with my therapist tomorrow.
He had a threesome with two married ladies and then got a jellyfish tattoo about it.
Kierstan will probably couple up with Carrington anyway, but its a C+ attempt to mix things up.
Secrets are shared and no saliva goes unswapped.
Im not even going to bother rehashing all the kissing; they are one communal mouth at this point.
Tre brings it in for a hug, mouth-breathing into her neck, I got you.
Justine, dont fall for it!
Tre is not the tender and humble man you were looking for just 32 hours ago!
Signs of the End Times
Justine wears sunglasses in not one but multiple scenes.
In the words of Justine, These cups are cute.
I hope when we leave we get to take them.
If this is not the case, CBS, I will be demanding answers.
I would also like to know where I can purchase a souvenir water bottle for myself.
You guys are like a simulation.
Running count of COVID references: 16
