Love Island U.K.
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Our long, internationalLove Islandnightmare is over.
(and if youre Ovie: message!).
But were back, and this year Vulture is recapping every horny second for posterity.
Who will hump them first?
But now on to the important stuff: welcoming theLove Island U.K.Class of 2021!
Were starting off strong here.
In the intro package, Unnamed Muscled Man No.
2 hammers a pipe, and Unidentified Bikini Woman No.
5 writes Brexit/EU on a whiteboard, in an easter egg referring to one of the showsgreatest moments.
As is sacred, the women arrive first, chanting customary woos and nearly falling off their 5-inch stilettos.
The brand-new babes include:
Liberty.
She works at a chicken restaurant and likes meat … a lot of meat.
TypicalLove Islandfare, but she seems pretty sweet.
Possibility of getting a Boohoo brand deal?
Kaz, our first Essex girl!
I want her to win this show.
Sharon, the policy wonk who clearly has been studying herLove Islandhistory.
4 near the daybeds.
She wants a man who can rip [her] a new arsehole.
Electing not to add that catchphrase to theLove Islanddictionary.
Finally theres Shannon, our first Scot who seemingly became a model out of nowhere.
Boohoo is in her DMs as we speak.
Then we get to the meat of the show: the first coupling.
Lets me(a)t the boys!
Jake seems to find his Paige, as Liberty steps forward for him and they couple up.
Aaron is gorgeous and has never cheated, propelling him to the top of the rankings immediately.
The women can sense this, and both Faye and Kaz step forward for him.
Breaking all conventions, Aaron picks Shannon, a girl who didnotstep forward!
Its unheard of, but Kaz and Faye swallow their pride and assure Laura theyre ready to move on.
Hugo, PE instructor and love of my life, is next.
Hes the kind of teacher that middle-school girls would find on social media and stalk relentlessly.
No one steps forward for him, which is a crime, but he chooses Faye.
Ill call you Mr. Hammond!
So, emphasis on the semi.
Finally theres Brad, whose piercing blue eyes get him first prize despite his mediocre personality.
He picks Faye, leaving Toby to join Hugo on the subs bench.
From the subs bench, Hugo couples up with Sharon, leaving Toby and Kaz to get together.
God, this show is so racist!
This makesthe fourth timea Black woman has not been picked in the first coupling.
Guess we reallyshould have seen this coming.
Is 50,000 pounds really enough for all this psychological torture and debasement?
Could a new girl be coming in soon?
That would be a huge shock, if it hadnt happened the previous four seasons!
Lets Get Grafting
The islanders immediately break up into couples, as is their right.
Cant be described as anything buteeh.
Its time for a getting-ready montage, and the girlies are layering on that bronzer!
I instantly feel at home.
Dont lead her on like this!
Spoon her in bed, or let her crack on with a 21-year-old Calvin Klein model from Cardiff!
This is your man, Liberty?
Lizzo plays as the islanders prance about in shiny red outfits and devil horns.
Like most of this show, its something about secrets and kissing.
Notably, Sharon makes out with Aaron and really enjoys it.
Hugo discloses that he once had sex in the middle of the road?
And kissed 10 girls in one night?
c’mon dont let his students watch this.
In an actual shock, Shannon is left single and is sent home on the second night!
She barely got enough screen time for Boohoo to slide in!
Toby and Kaz get a date!
Toby, Im pleasantly surprised.
Kaz, keep being perfect.
He said that the more [he] sees her, the less [hes] attracted to her.
Oof, that hurts, especially coming from a man I can barely understand half the time.
Its beer pong night, and the dares are flowing.
Kaz and Toby kiss for the first time (!)
and Brad kisses Chloe for the girl hes most attracted to and Faye for the least.
Get him, Faye!
I have high hopes for her right now Im getting much-needed Maura energy.
Aaron pulls Sharon for a chat, and they confess that they both like each others independence.
Not to be upstaged, Jake and Liberty share their first kiss and Jake immediately farts in victory.
Once again, I say: This is your man, Liberty?
Things are looking bleak for Hugo, who has been pied off by every woman here.
Faye, in her own words, goes to Cougarville and salivates over 21-year-old Liams height.
Nevertheless, the couples enter the villa hand-in-hand.
Finally learning fromThe Art of War, are we, ladies?
The next day, Chuggs and Liam put the moves on every woman in the villa.
Chloe, in a bid to gain the British publics trust, picks Hugo in a friendship couple.
Time for them to pretend they didnt just say their throw in was blonde hair and blue eyes!
