Before I came to Hollywood, I was confidently queer.
Years of mixed messages in the industry changed that.
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Squeal for me, piglet,I said.
Want me to feed you your food?
The voice on the other end of the phone moaned.
You want to get fat for your master, little piggy?
Now oink for me.
Tell me how much you love your owner.
It was 2006, and this was my first job in Los Angeles, as a phone-sex operator.
I dipped in and out of dinners, shops, and meetings to take my calls.
I kept it up as passersby eyed me strangely.
Time for your Geritol.
I could never understand why so many of these guys had a thing for farm play.
I felt at home there.
By age 15, I got my first modeling agent.
As soon as I got there, I knew exactly what to do.
I took my shirt off.
I changed into a pair of shredded jeans.
I began lifting dumbbells.
I put a beanie on and stuck my tongue out.
Everything but the camera fell away.
It felt just like dancing at the club.
Jay and I were invited out to Los Angeles to celebrate the release of the issue.
There were lots of other young men there, milling around the cavernous living room.
They all looked like me: wide-eyed and full of promise.
At dinner, I was seated next to a writer.
He was 50ish and had a familiar hunger in his eyes.
So youre moving out here, right?
With Jay, my boyfriend hes right over there.
Ah, young love, he said.
When it does, give me a call.
I can help you if you need anything.
After I returned home, I received a package from the writer.
He had gotten my address from a mutual friend.
I moved to L.A.after high-school graduation.
Finally, in 2007, a management company took the bait.
We love your look, a rep said over email.
Later that week, I visited the office for a meeting.
There were two teenage boys roughhousing in the lobby.
He was wearing a skintight muscle tee and had gleaming-white veneers.
He was middle-aged, and his hairline looked as if it had recently been rejuvenated.
How did you find out about us?
I found you online, I said.
You know the actors on the WB?
I want a career like that.
Why are you using your hands so much when you talk?
And your posture is too … loose, he said.
Were definitely going to have to change your mannerisms.
Theyre a little too … theater.
I stood up straighter.
Sure, I said.
I began singing Home, from the Broadway musicalBeauty and the Beast.After a few beats, he stopped me.
Do you have a new headshot?
I handed him one of my comp cards from the modeling agency, which was all I had.
Suddenly, I didnt want to be there.
Ive seen enough, he said.
You should come to acting class tonight.
Id like to represent you.
After months of waiting, it felt too easy.
Did he like my performance or just my looks?
And was he also my acting coach?
In class, there were about 20 other young actors.
Brad set us up in twos: some pairs of men, some of women, others mixed.
I was paired with a good-looking guy Ill call Ethan, whom I recognized from a popular television show.
Today youll be working through the scenes well be putting on in Thursdays class, Brad said.
First, well have you cold read on-camera.
Ethan rolled his eyes.
Sexy-scene night, he said.
Thursdays are sexy-scene night, he said with a grimace.
When it came time for me to read the scene, my hands were shaking.
I became so aware of my mannerisms I could hardly get a word out of my mouth.
Stop moving your face so much!
Brad yelled from a seat in the front row.
Not so musical theater!
You need more practice, he said.
You and Ethan take some time over the next couple days to get ready for Thursdays class.
Ethan looked at me disdainfully.
I mouthed Sorry to him.
We all do sex scenes where we have to get fully naked, he said.
It teaches us how to be comfortable showing our bodies onscreen.
Were doing this scene naked?
Were doing a sex scene?
We dont actually have sex, he said.
And we have to make out.
So why dont we get it out of the way and make out now?
So were both comfortable.
I must have looked confused.
Im straight, he added.
Just so you know.
Ethan grabbed me by the back of my head and kissed me for longer than I was expecting.
Our lips pressed together.
He gazed into my eyes with such tenderness it confused me.Were we about to actually have sex?
Or was this acting?Then his eyes went cold.
Okay, he said, lets launch the scene.
She took off her lacy tank top and revealed her breasts.
I just want you to make me feel good.
She hiked up her skirt and pulled her underwear down to her ankles over her stripper heels.
The young actor playing the Billy Bob Thornton part was already on a hit TV show.
Mascara tears ran down her face.
She stared at us, at Brad.
Make me feel good!
Make me feel good!
I was terrified knowing Ethan and I would be performing next.
We began with our lines.
Eventually, I had to take off my pants.
I stared into Ethans eyes, feeling everyone elses eyes on my body.
I pulled down my boxers, and I got on my knees.
I turned Ethan, bare naked, toward the audience and began performing a fake oral-sex scene on him.
I closed my eyes so I wouldnt have to look at the audience.
After it was over, we put our clothes back on and stood onstage while Brad critiqued us.
Your balls hang so low, he marveled to Ethan.
Thank you, Ethan said.
Then Brads gaze turned to me.
Colton, we have got to cut that hair, he said.
And like stop moving your forehead so much.
It looks like I could grow crops in those lines.
Weve been over this already.
Of all the things that had happened to me in my life, I had never felt more demoralized.
Later that week, Brad arranged for me to meet a hairstylist at his house.
He was eating a bowl of cereal; milk dribbled down his chin as he appraised my new hair.
Theres the boy everyone will want to see, he said.
I felt naked again.
I couldnt hide behind my mop of tween-star hair anymore.
In our next on-camera class, Brad praised me.
Everyone needs to look at Colton, he said.
This kid is going places.
It was the kind of behavior that bonded him to the damaged young people who passed through his class.
I was happy he had said my performance was strong as though I had passed the test.
People with a stronger sense of self-worth might have quit after being so humiliated, but I belonged here.
I guess I was an actor after all.
Brad suggested I start working in his office to familiarize myself with the business.
A few months later, he called me into his office after class let out.
You might be ready to meet with agents, he said.
The one I want to place you with isnt interested, so lets get him interested.
Tomorrow on your lunch break, I want you to deliver some paperwork I owe him.
Youre going to deliver it in a cowboy hat and an unbuttoned western shirt.
The next day, I was summoned into Brads office.
I thought this would be the moment he told me I had my first agent.
Colton, he still isnt interested, Brad said flatly.
Im sorry, but this isnt working out.
Your voice, your mannerisms theyre still too … gay.
I looked at him incredulously.
You still have so much work to do.
We think you will be better served at a different management company, he said.
I felt tears trickling down my cheeks.
I wiped them away, furious this man was making me cry.
What am I gonna do?
He wrote down something on a business card, then handed it to me.
Its been a pleasure working with you, he said.
Back at my apartment, I looked at the card.
On the back, hed written rentboy.com.
I typed it into my internet tool.
It was a site for sex workers.
Now I can see I was foolish to think making it would be easy or fun.
Actors had only begun to come out publicly, and none of them looked like the straight romantic lead.
There are still few gay leading men in Hollywood who are out of the closet.
So I did what I was told to do.
I signed with a new team, but the rules were the same.
(She must have known I was gay, but we never spoke about it.)
At a photo shoot for a fashion editorial, theXYpictures were up on the mood board.
A member of my team threw a fit.
They were the exception, not the rule.
My mental health deteriorated, and I grew dependent on alcohol and pills.
I hoped it would set me free, and in some ways it did.
An outpouring of support followed.
And incidentally, the work mostly dried up.
Now, the only auditions I get are for gay characters, which remain sparse.
Is that because Im not very good?
But that didnt stop me from booking roles before.
But lots of the decision-makers are gay, so play that game!
I saw Brad again a few years after he dropped me.
He was still her manager.
We locked eyes across the table but didnt say hello.
It should have validated me.
Maybe at the time it did.
Now Im not so sure.
On some level, he had been right: I was too gay.
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