Friday Night Movie Club
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Hello, and welcome to an extremely serious critical piece about Leonardo DiCaprio.
First, allow me to establish my ethos as an academic.
My graduate thesis was a semiotic analysis of Leonardo DiCapriosheadbands(no it was not).
He has died in nine of these movies.
That means hes died in nearly one-third of his movies.
This is, frankly, an insane number of times for an actor to die in their movies.
Now, I know what youre thinking: Its not that deep; Leo just loves to die.
And sure, who among us doesnt?
Look deeper, though, and youll find a shocking, illuminating pattern within these filmic deaths.
I believe this is not a coincidence.
He said to me, Im such a young punk.
Leo was practically crawling under the seat.
It was a good moment.
Hes so focused and hes such a great actor.
Hes got such a vast range, but hes gifted and burdened with being an attractive screen presence.
Hes got that star quality.
Its a gift and a burden.
A burden that Leo decided to shrug off by dying in a troubling number of gun duels onscreen.
Lets break down the evidence.
Critters 3:Leos cinematic debut.
Too young to be legally considered hot.
Poison Ivy:Leo is in this movie forfive secondstotal.
Too short of a time to be hot.
This Boys Life:Leos insane military haircut keeps him from being truly hot in this film.
He subsequently lives through it.
Iwont be makingthat argument.
Leo (barely) survives this film.
The Quick and the Dead:Leo isapproaching peak hotnessin this movie.
He dies in a gun duel.
Total Eclipse:In this erotic gay romance,Leo is hot and, did I mention, gay.
He dies of cancer.
Titanic:Plays a hot rapscallion with a penchant for car-fucking.
Dies in an iceberg attack that could have been prevented if it werent for said car-fucking.
Marvins Room:Leo is not really Working It, per se,in this film.
Hes attractive in an understated way, but certainly nothing electric is going on.
The Beach: This is one of maybe three films that do notentirelyfit my theory.
However, even Einsteins theories had holes.
So hey grant me a bit of slack here.
Leo is hot in this movie, and he lives.
But remember: Science is always evolving, changing, adapting to new information.
By 2020 standards, Leo inThe Beachis hot.
But in 100 years, teens may watchThe Beachand say, No.
This is not a hot man.
Scorsese rewarded him by making him not at all hot in this film.
He is one of the few characters to survive the film.
Certainly not in any androgynous capacity.
He left that behind inThe Beach.Its not coming back.
Anyway, he lives.
The Departed:This one is arguable.
Some people think otherwise but I believe that inThe Departed,Leo ishot in a sort of filthy way.
He dies in a gun duel.
Blood Diamond:Plays ahot guywho wants blood diamonds, but he feels bad about it.
He dies in a gun duel.
Body of Lies:Leo, as a CIA agent, is not hot.
He lives and quits the CIA.
Confusingly, thats hot!
But … you guessed it … he lives.
He does receive a lobotomy, though.
Perhaps this is payback for surviving while hot inThe Beach.
J. Edgar:Leo is not hot in this movie.
But, okay, he dies of heart disease.
Its not a violent death, however, so it still fits my theory.
And again I remind you that scientists have still not figured out what dark matter is.
However, he dies in a gun duel.
The Great Gatsby:Leo is a hot Gatsby.
Look atthose highlights!He dies in a gun duel.
The Wolf of Wall Street:The only hot person in this film is Margot Robbie.
Leo makes it through the film alive, despite doing enough quaaludes to kill 190 horses.
But he lives, and thats the whole point of the movie.
