An excerpt from his new book.
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He gets to the finish line and says,
Why didnt we just stay here?
We would have been first.
So, the horse has quite a good grasp of the logistics of the racetrack.
But incredibly, so little understanding of the horse race itself.
So smart and so dumb.
And I guess thats me.
So many other avenues have come my way over the years.
As I write this, we are in the time of corona, so there is no live performing.
Stand-up is about a brief, fleeting moment of human connection.
Like surfers sitting in the water on their board, just waiting for one more ride.
One more thrilling skim across the top of the world.
People often ask me where I like to work.
What kind of places, theaters, which cities?
The place I like to work is in my head.
To try and reach someone elses.
The special, special thing about stand-up is the sound that tells you for sure that you did it.
Of course, we can never know exactly how all of it really even happens.
We dont need to know everything.
We can feel whats real.
And I hope we get to be together again someday soon.
In the meantime, putting all this together in a book has given us another kind of real connection.
you’ve got the option to feel that its how were supposed to be.
And then that kills you.
Where are you going with this?
If any of these conditions was able to outmaneuver all medicines and treatments.
We just wiped ourselves out.
That was a complete dead end.
I guess its just a Kamikaze thing.
Which is a group of people I have always been fascinated by.
Completely off on their own.
Its basically the show youre watching right now.
What about the Kamikaze pilot parents?
Yeah … well, okay.
But hes not doing that anymore.
Also, not sure how in love with it he would still be,
after the very negative outcome.
I think he might be feeling,
Yeah, I loved doing it when I didnt die.
Thats when I loved it.
Because, of all the things I like to do, I think my favorite isliving… !
Id like to die doing something that I hate.
Like cleaning a row of outdoor Port-A-Pottys.
If you dont know what Flex Seal is Its a miracle.
For people that have leaks and do not want them.
If you have drips, drops, streams, gushing or trickling.
If youre sitting on your roof waiting for a chopper … really bad leak.
You get Flex Seal.
Dont look into it.
Were way past that.
Its just more leaks.
They go into a lot more depth with each leak.
When Flex Seal comes on my TV,
my whole family knows,
Everybody just shut up.
This is my show.
Just let me watch it.
Look at all these leaks.
This is going to be an unbelievable episode.
I have no idea if any of it is true.
But I need something to believe in.
And I have decided on Flex Seal.
I like Phil Swift.
Hes the TV spokesman for Flex Seal.
Phil does not seem to think we can hear him.
Everyones screaming, running around with buckets, sponges and mops.
Youve got to project your voice.
Its a tight window, so zip it in there.
Hes got a great smile, good energy.
Hes got a nice little weight problem going for himself, which is good.
He looks like a guy thats had a lot of leaks in his life.
A lot of coming home opening his front door
and half of everything he owns just floats by.
Bowling shoes, hot dog buns, MyPillow.
I dont know why but I am 100% sure that Phil Swift has MyPillow.
And I know I can get a new bucket for $3.99.
Its not about the bucket.
The point of Flex Seal is just using Flex Seal.
And thats the only problem with Flex Seal.
Because if you do not have a leak, you cannot use it.
Which is the situation I am in,
and where our story takes a heartbreaking turn.
And they dont talk about this in the commercial.
You saved the house.
Ive never heard that.
And thats not a hole in a pipe.
Thats a hole in your life, and even Flex Seal cant patch that up.
Watching the leaks get fixed.
Dreaming my Flex Seal fantasies.
Or I bought two halves of a boat that are not joined together.
From a divorce settlement or something.
Whos making boats like this?
How did the salesman get me to overlook these gigantic boat issues?
And the next scene is me and Phil Swift just zipping through the Everglades.
(Holding outboard tiller.)
Me in my screen-door-bottom boat.
Phil is in his two halves of a boat glued back together.
And we are laughing our fat asses off.
And its not a wet dream, thanks to Flex Seal.
