The Gold Rush
Everything it’s crucial that you know about this years awards season race.
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Remember the Billy Crystal Oscars years?
When the actor hosted the Academy Awards nine times from 1990 to 2012?
Of course you do.
Hed bound onto the stage with an enormous grin and belt Hooray forHowards End!
a la Hooray for Hollywood.
Its a format so stupid and so pure it can only be called brilliant.
(Its no wonderMr.
And Ive ranked them all, using a closely held secret formula.
Would he still have done a medley of song parodies?
Featured cringe:Crystal ended his 2012 medley with this one.
Its an airball instead of a slam dunk.
But forThe Crying Game?
Crystal turns ass-out to the audience to re-create the iconic Bruce Springsteen album cover.
Its five seconds you will never scrub from your mind.
Featured cringe:Crystal doing Springsteen with a Bugs Bunnyesque Bronx accent is absolutely excruciating.
Its certainly important for the true masochists.
First, what in the hell is Billy Crystal doing singing The Show, by Lenka?
This is not Jerome Kern, this is not Jule Styne.
Second, Crystal basically ignores the wholeMoneyballplot, which goes against his nature because he loves baseball.
Most dated reference:Lenkas The Show.
Featured cringe:A little added Walt Whitman and me isnt a joke!
42.Mystic River(2004)
Mystic River to the tune of Ol Man River
Oh no.
Billy, dont do the voice.
Dont do the hes doing the voice.
The year 2004 was recent enough for him to know not to do the voice.
If your subscription toPremierehas lapsed, that zing may be lost on you.
The joke is he wont talk because its a silent film.
Deep cut:Wait, what?The Artistwon Best Picture?
I forgot about that.
40.War Horse(2012)
Mr. Joey to the tune of Theme FromMr.
Ed
No surprise that he went toMr.
Take it out back and shoot it.
For example, Crystal goes all in miming what he thinks a lactating sheriff looks like.
Featured cringe:In the middle of the bit, he slips into his old Sammy Davis Jr. voice.
You throw it away.
This entry is one line, lasts six seconds, and gets almost no laughs.
Russell Crowe didnotever look through a spyglass and shout Thar she blows!
Little Francesca Scorsese looks perplexed by her fathers side.
Featured cringe:Hugoisnt arty.
Its a kids picture.
What kind of non-cinema are you watching, Crystal?
Featured cringe:A lot of trilledRs on this one.
I like the idea of Crystal pitching this as Hey, Ill sing it like a real Englishman!
The bit came back, doubled in length, and opened with this peppy number.
So you whacked someone and stuffed him into your trunk / GoodFellas!
Best dance move:Finger guns for all the whackings.
And there are many whackings.
Oscar, Oscar!, and changes popular culture forever.
RhymingOscarwithprosperis the cherry on top.
Pacinos then-girlfriend, Jan Tarrant, seems amused, but then again, sheisan acting coach.
(Feivel took an eraser to his wrists, he joked about a jealous cartoon contemporary.)
With this parody, Crystal accuses the film of merely being Paaaaaintings / Just movable paintings from Disneys mob.
29.A Few Good Men(1993)
Nom-inations!
to the tune of Sound Off!
Deep cut:Rewatching this musical number reminded me that Demi Moore is inA Few Good Men.
I have zero recollection of this.
But hes got the palm of his hand to his forehead, as if hes almostashamedof what hes done.
Featured cringe:To a borderline-funky bass riff, Crystal throws in a few Hoo-aaah!s.
It ends with a Hawaiian leijoke, and sure, go for it, youve earned the right.
He just turned 40 / But he digs a teen / Loves to shower / But never gets clean.
Best dance move:Crystal knew he had a hit here so truly goes the extra mile.
Hes mimes smoking reefer, then flicks it away while the horns go crazy.
He flings invisible plates.
When the number segues to the outro (Its time for Oscar / To take center stage!)
he even galumphs across the stage with a mimed walker because its the70thAcademy Awards.
Showbiz, thy name is Crystal!
23.The Green Mile(2000)
Green Mile to the tune of Theme FromGreen Acres
Bright lights!
See, youcanwrite funny to the inhumanity of capital punishment.
Best dance move:Crystal concludes his Green Mile byreverting to two of his old reliables.
The first is the old-school translated-from-Yiddish phrasing of a question (Three hours, tell me why?
It could not have been easy for Crystal to memorize all these words.
The guys a true professional.
Deep cut:But he doesnt quite nail it.
Its 98 percent of the way there, but he trips over the lyrics on two occasions.
Perhaps this is actually meta-commentary aboutShines lessons on imperfection?
What part of Middle-EARTH do you not understand, Billy Crystal?
Eh, maybe its not that dated.
Featured cringe:Crystal thanks Coppola for the opening shot of Scarlett Johanssons rear.
Billy, shes 19; you are 56.
Extraughfor the squeeze-the-Charmin move that accompanies this gag.
Yet a bouillabaisse of cheeks and necks and arms is very catchy!
Most dated reference:When you see Shoeless Joe swingin right / Its a lockoutFaye Vincentarbitration kinda night.
Vincent, if you dont know, was the commissioner of baseball at the time.
The audience burst into applause upon recognizing the gag.
Deep cut:confirm theres fuel / To get me to shul!, Crystal sings in falsetto.
Cruise finds this deeply funny.
Nicole Kidman, maybe a little less.
Deep cut:Honestly, the deep cut here was learning this was Notre Dames Victory March.
Most dated reference:Sit back and relax / Forget aboutMars Attacks!, Crystal sings to Nicholson.
Best dance move:Crystal makes what Jewish grandmothers might call a feh!
- motion at the thought of dancing with a wolf.
I love, love, love that Michael Mann had to sit through this.
And honestly,dayenu.
Best dance move:Somehow Crystal worked in aPsychogag and mimed stabbing Janet Leigh in the shower.
Dont ask why, just accept it.
Excuse me, Mr.
Crystal, but the correct title isJaws: The Revenge.
Featured cringe:Crystal keeps cuing the audience to sing Caaaaaiiiiine along with him.
Wisely, they demur.
Confidential(1998)
L.A.
Confidential to the tune of Fascinating Rhythm
Props to Crystal for handling the weird time signature on this one.
He even slips in asides like ItsBase-inger / NotBass-inger without missing a beat.
Featured cringe:Although its dark / Its future seems briiiiiiight /L.A.
Confidential /You could be the iceberg toniiiiiiight!
Cmere, you big mayor, you, he coos, then sits in his lap.
You directed and produced with ease / Long way from singin I Talk to the Trees.
Maybe he likes this prancin little fella after all.
The childhood friends (who look like babies here) are tickled but a little embarrassed.
Minnie Driver, however, looks positively mortified.
See, the joke here is that Affleck and Damon were young.
Just making sure you got that.
Its in your head now.
And it shall never leave.
For his efforts, he got a modest reward and a ticket to the big show.
4.Seabiscuit(2004)
Seabiscuit to the tune of Goldfinger
Seeeeeea-biscuit!
/ Hes a horse / A horse Oscar may go toooooooo / Or else hes gluuuuuuue!
(Rhymes with by a nose, you see.)
Most important, he asks, Did this film direct itself?
But thats what he does.
Like no one else.
2.The Full Monty(1998)
The Full Monty to the tune of Hello, Dolly!
Were confronted with the thought of Billy Crystal stripping with a barrage of erection jokes.
This is quality entertainment.
Most dated reference:Droppin your pants is lots o fun / Just like they do in Washingtonnn!
Its embarrassing and perfect at the same time.
/Godfather III/ Let there be more / And put Duvall / InGodfather IV.
Featured cringe:Its all cringe; thats why its brilliant.
And watch it again.
