Bachelor In Paradise
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OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSS hey INJECT THIS RIGHT INTO MY EYEBALLS!
I have been waiting so long for this moment and its better than I ever could have imagined.
The silky, floral button-down shirts.
IM NOT EVEN MAD!
IM SO EXCITED FOR THEM!
This is everyones last chance for a boyfriend or girlfriend this year and they are GOING FOR IT.
Mixed in with that excitement, though, I have so many questions and none of them have answers.
First: Why is David Spade there?
What is these under-27-year-olds frame of reference for David Spade?
Are they looking at him like, Oh hell yeah,the voice of Kuzco!!?
Also: How old is Tres uncle?
How did he match with Tahz?
Is Tres uncle going to show up in Paradise?
I am fired up and I wanna see a hot uncle!
A hunk-le, if you will.
Lastly: Are these people going to be sucking toes?
Lets get into it.
Its time to meet this seasons major players via their intro packages.
Everyone is going to destroy each other emotionally and Im here for it.
Everyone says what theyre most famous for on their season.
Serena P. is most famous for sending the Bachelor home.
Umm … is that what happened?
Tahz is most famous for sweating her entire face off and getting completely overwhelmed, which, relatable.
Mari says shes most famous for having a big ass.
You cant pick incredibly attractive and hot as the thing youre most famous for, Mari.
When it comes to the guys, Brendan has moved on and processed his heartbreak.
Ivan is ready to be a father because his niece is the most important thing in his life.
And then Kenny is fully nude.
It is something burned into my brain that will never leave me.
A random older man, strutting around fully nude giving comedy advice.
No one stepped in and no one stopped the nude man from leading us through warm-up exercises.
There are so few situations where an unsolicited and unexpected naked man is welcome.
Its like Kenny has decided to send everyone a dick pic, but in person so its WORSE.
Plus, Connor B. is playing one of them lil songs again.
Back on the beach is Grocery Store Joe … who no longer owns a grocery store.
So hes Just Joe now.
He met Kendall during his last time on the beach and they had two years together.
It didnt work out but hes totally over it.
This is Chekhovs Emotional Healing.
like,Paradise,give me the chaos I desire.
Its time for the arrivals!
Whats the word for foreshadowing but ominous?
Okay, this I remember!
Brendan arrives on the beach and Serenas head positively swivels off its axis.
This was a truly weird way to frame a possible shared understanding.
Its the I dont see color of hearing disabilities and Noah loves adversity.
Then theres Goddess Victoria, who has decided that her new identity will be a vague goddess-crystals-white-bikini thing.
Theyre finally ready to fall in love!
Except for Just Joe.
Then Tahz admits TO TRE that she went on a date with his uncle.
This is truly the most wild thing Ive ever witnessed.
Tre and Tahz knew each other before the show because HIS UNCLE introduced them.
Tahz just straight up says, Yeah, I kissed your uncle.Bachelor in Paradise,never change.
David Spade gathers everyone around and asks Wells to explain to them what is going on here.
Why isnt Wells just the host?
Tre, these women got their eyeliner and eyebrows tattooed on their faces.
They put the effort in.
First of all, what a treat to be hot.
But secondly, it makes sense that a relationship is successful if both people are into it!
Its the evening of day one and the first date card arrives.
She gets to go on a one-on-one date!
She asks Noah and they head off and everyone gives them a standing ovation.
Like, talking to someone for eight months before declaring yourself boyfriend/girlfriend, which is … too slow.
Its too slow forParadiseand I would say thats too slow for most other configs.
Abigail says that she tends to put guys in the friend zone.
Use of the incredibly problematic term friend zone aside, what is she doing here?
Shes not waiting for letters from the front.
Noah decides to call her on being too uptight and makes out with her while smashing pinatas.
Connor B. and Maurissa.
Yes, yes he was, but suddenly a hot 23-year-old wanted to talk with him on a daybed.
Serena P. makes fun of his socks-and-sandals look and Joe goes in for the kiss.
Well, he stops himself and readjusts and goes in for the kiss.
Its very cute and Joes frazzled Chicagos Beverly neighborhood Tom Everett Scott energy is winning.
The sadder and more confused this man is, the more attracted to him I am.
Lets do this, Joe.
Do you need someone with an Im gonna steal your fucking boyfriend vibe coming onto the beach?
So I have to ask again?
Do we need this energy?
These are guys that have gone to therapy and worked on themselves.
They dont want this chaos.
But thatsParadise, baby!
