Bachelor In Paradise
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My dear sweet readers.
I have something I must share … My brothers have taken it on their work Zooms to show it off.
My power is unlimited.
My reign is just beginning.
I have never looked hotter on the red carpet or in the days that followed.
Conan OBrien got my mom a drink.
EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING OVER HERE AND ITS ALL HAPPENING TO ME.
YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET ME BECOME THIS POWERFUL!!!!!
So, lets talk aboutBachelor in Paradiseor whatever.
Or if we do, itll be like, Oh, okay.
Lets get to it.
Which is a thing that exists only in television shows about New York as far as Im concerned.
This was a bad idea.
This was a bad idea for you.
Whether or not there was a Boom Boom Room on that plane of existence is still up for debate.
These relationships get forged in thefaux-romantic crucible of Paradise, and love is supposed to conquer all!
And love means never having to say youre sorry!
And you complete me!
Lemme find a man off the Red Line because that runs all night, too.
If they couldnt find love in Paradise, where will they find love?
Joe says hes here for Kendall but just like hugs her with one arm, yknow?
And with that, Kendall leaves, and Joe is cemented as the main character of Paradise.
Hes the one with the most emotional arcs that just keep happening.
He lies down with Serena and reassures her that theyre still falling in love with each other.
Uhh … and now Ivan doesnt have a rose because apparently, he was into Kendall?!??
Its the next morning in Paradise, and it should be only smooth sailing from here on out.
There are solid couples, and people can sense that the end of Paradise is here.
Something is happening with the atmospheric pressure.
Cant you feel it too?
Bring in everyones mom for a relationship tribunal.
Bring back that date where everyone has to take care of a random baby.
Give them their phones and let them check out their partners DMs.
If the best you got at this point in the game isEd,lets just pack it in now.
Ed asks Natasha, and shes ready for some SOMETHING on this beach.
Every woman deserves a krunk.
Everything eventually comes down to words of affirmation on these shows.
Maurissa doesnt want to ruin their fun by telling him she loves him.
I HATE THIS FOR EVERYONE.
Telling someone youre falling in love with them and want to be with him is THE MOST FUN.
Its the best part!!!
yo, someone, heal our society.
Kenny and Mari get a date card.
Mari feels like she is falling in love and could definitely get engaged to Kenny.
Man, to be a man over 35 on this beach.
They go on a truly gross date.
Like, I love tacos.
Tacos are one of the worlds greatest treasures.
We have strayed too far from Gods light.
Just eating a small pile of carnitas off your girlfriends titty?
Slurping a chunk of avocado off your boyfriends abs?
That sounds like something Newsmax would label as The only acceptable sex act in the leftist future.
I guess because once you eat a hand-pressed corn tortilla off your lovers pubis, its all or nothing.
Riley says he probably wouldnt have said anything about it, and Maurissa says thats not good!
Its … a lot.
He says, Im gonna do it because I have to … and I want to.
Everyone else is preparing for the reality of another Rose Ceremony when two men in black T-shirts appear.
Everyone says in unison, This is not good.
There is a tropical storm approaching Paradise.
No one should be alarmed, but they do have an hour to get the fuck out of there.
But dear God, we have to go!!!!
Climate change has reached Paradise.
Lil Jons time with us has come to an end, and were ready for the drama!
First up, Tia and Tatty Daddy Blake.
He has a face thats so infinitely generic.
Tia is VERY attracted to him, and her vagina keeps dancing.
Im not horny … my vagina is!
He should do that!
She has the rose!
James painted her a little stoplight and the rest of the men are slacking!!
Blake says all he wants with her is a conversation.
Tia reminds him that she has to pick between him and someone else, and James makes an effort.
Blake is a fuck boy who wanted to rely on one make out to secure his rose.
You have to make out like three times.
This time hes calling Ivan a little snaky bitch boy.
Aaron also says that Ivan is built like a chopstick, and he can snap him in half.
Aaron is a lot of talk, and I would genuinely like to see him try and fight.
Ivan is quiet, and its the quiet ones you have to worry about.
Aaron gets in Ivans face, and Ivan refuses to flinch.
To be continued …
Oh God, it looks like Riley gets involved.
Hes a lawyer from New York; hes basically Daredevil.
See you next week for a THREE HOUR EXTRAVAGANZA!
!
