Bachelor In Paradise
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This theme isnt right!
I Wish You Would Have Expressed-a Your Feelings Fiesta?
Its a slant rhyme, its barely a theme, and honestly, its a bad look.
Im not having these tiny influencers walking around in traditional Mexican garb!
you gotta do better.
it’s crucial that you THINK.
you’re gonna wanna INNOVATE.
The assistants eyes dart around the Ciudad de la Fiesta.
Something Something Last Dance Kind of a Disco Thing Something Something?
Were doing that for Mykenna and Eds date for some reason.
Finally, their weary eyes settle on a bunch of inflatable electric guitars.
What did you say?
the ABC executive snarls while eating a handful of chocolate coins.
Lets get to it.
THREE HOURS?!?!
This mess needed to be three hours?!?!
I dont even know how to properly address this in a reasonable amount of words.
Yes, I could!
So we gotta prioritize some things and some things arent gonna make it.
Like Ed and Mykennas date?
Sorry, not gonna make it.
Kendall appearing in the preview for next week?!
Kendall, girl, are you the ill-advised breakup bangs you should have gotten instead of doing all this?
Because YA GETTING CUT!
She has … hair?
And definitely two eyes?
But Im flexible on the amount of eyes.
Certainly, it could be lower, but Im willing to admit that it might be higher.
WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THIS BEACH?!?
Everyone is truly acting a fool and risking it all for people whose names I barely remember.
Listen, Im fine if these people wanna sneak out and go see each other.
Thats kinda fun and a little spicy.
You cant fight City Hall and you cant outsmart The Bachelor Cinematic Universe.
They are recording your every move!
You looked me in the eye and treated me like shit, like I was nobody.
And now Ive got to turn my back on you, and hands him a wad of cash.
So its time for the Rose Ceremony, I guess?!
Blake, Demar, and Dr. Joe are eliminated without a word.
The way they rhymed hotel room with womb to tomb was inspired.
So, the final two tiny white women will enter the beach but …
YA GETTING CUT, ANNA AND MYKENNA!
First up is Kenny and Mari!
You met basicallynine days agobut the passion is fizzling?
Youve got a hot 25-year-old trying to marry your ass and you manage a boy-band cover band.
The flames surge and they have to lean back before their eyebrows are singed off.
Theyre recommitted to each other!
Up next is Abigail and Noah.
Oh my fucking God.
Not doing anything is kinda the problem.
And I dont blame him!
Maybe they arent my person!
He was honest about what he felt, what he needed, and he didnt get it!
Especially because she goes into the prom hoping to establish how they feel about each other.
Girl, he tried to do that already.
Because its not working out for them!
Abigail says hes running away from something but he wont tell her what it is.
HOW CAN WE ALL SEE THIS BUT YOU CANNOT!
YOURE ACTUALLY THERE!!
So who else is clanging around this week?
Becca and Thomas are still climbing all over each other.
Riley and Maurissa get an award for excellence in toe sucking.
Chelsea is just there now and Natasha is at home sick while Ed makes out with Mykenna at prom.
As always, JUSTICE FOR NATASHA as we head into the finale!!
!
