Bachelor In Paradise
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
This is the way Breneper ends not with a bang but a whi- …
Wait … is that their couples name?
This is the way Pieendan ends not with a bang but …
Okay, thats not right.
This is the way Brendar ends …
Fuck.
What can I say?
I HAVE A bang out!)
And the reason it felt so terrible was that Brendan and Pieper didnt learn a lesson.
Their contrition only came after they started to hemorrhage followers after last weeks episodes aired.
They left just like they arrived in a full-ass relationship and with no semblance of a coherent timeline.
The thing we like about villains is we want to see them lose.
As much as men in fedoras on dating apps insist, its not all about the anti-hero.
Especially not in romance!
When you watchWedding Crashers,no one is rooting for Sack Lodge!
But Tituss is pouring us a big glass of PINOT NOIR, so …
Lets get into it.
Its a new day in Paradise, and were still dealing with the same ol shit.
They are all bewildered and besmitten by his eyes and access to his hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers.
Thomas says Brendan looks too happy … is that whats happening here?
Also, Thomas, it might behoove you to stay far away from anyone with any whiff of impropriety.
Youre on an image-rehab tour, sir.
But before we can dig too deep into the Brendan-Thomas friendship, its time for the cocktail party.
Jessenia is pissed that she might be going home after what Chris did.
Again, you cant trust a medium-hot guy who got a taste of power.
If youre talking to a man who reveals he played clarinet then took up CrossFit, RUN.
Brendan and Pieper do everything they can to avoid the direct gaze of the camera.
In other words, the Girardi Paradox.
Brendan knows theyre about to be attacked, but hes ready to put on afauxcheerful face for the council.
He also says he never promised Natasha anything romantic.
Okay, but you kissed her, though?
It was the most platonic kiss in the history of kisses, but you still did it.
Pieper says she came to the beach to get the opportunity to spend time with Brendan without any distractions.
Girl, go to a Sandals and leave us out of this!
They just cant apologize to Natasha.
Not even a Sorry if your feelings are hurt.
on his way out of the conversation.
They go hide on another comfy couch and complain that everyone issooooooooooooooannoying, and Natasha is salty.
Bitch, you are about to be buying them from China.
Did they go over that in your masters program?
Its not the environment, sir.
Theyre going to leave on their own terms after being exposed as liars and manipulators.
Brendan says he didnt lie to anyone.
He just withheld information.
THATS LYING, BRENDAN.
Thats called being a fuckboy!
That one feels right.
Theres still a cocktail party and a rose ceremony to get through.
Maurissa and Riley lick whipped cream off each other.
This felt as sensual as that Oscar IsaacJessica Chastain slo-mo elbow kiss.
Riley and Maurissa head to the Boom Boom Roombeforethe rose ceremony.
I want this for her titties and his biceps.
On the other side of the beach, its Tammys birthday.
This isnt going to end well.
Unfortunately, Thomas said he had feelings for Becca and didnt feel guilty about it.
Oh my God?!?!
What an absolutely deranged way to say that.
This sends Tammy into an emotional spiral and sends Aaron on a vindictive one.
Tammy also feels stupid because she threw away what she had with Aaron, and everyone warned her.
She says she gave Thomas everything … what did she give him?
Does she mean mouth stuff?
Because thats not everything.
SMASH CUT TO THOMAS AND BECCA MAKING OUT.
Thomas knows how to move on.
And with this rose, Natasha transforms from a sentient, fully independent woman to everyones project.
Guys, shell be fine.
She deserves this rose, but can everyone chill.
Weve seen literally zero footage of their relationship!
Thomas gives his rose to Becca, and Aaron gives his to Chelsea.
Tammy, Jessenia, Demi, and Deandra are going home.
Tammy says she got COVID last year on her birthday, and this is worse.
She eats a cupcake in the van.
Demi is embarrassed about wasting too much time on a 40-year-old boy-band manager.
But before we can be too sad, Lil Jon enters!
This is happening!!!!!!
Also, at some point in there, Riley and Maurissa are literally Lady and the Tramping.
The first new arrival on the beach is Blake from Clayshias season.
Some other unheard-of Blake.
Is this Mumford or one of his many sons?
Sorry, box dude, your time in Paradise might be coming to a close.
The next arrival on the beach is Dr. Joe.
A doctor, no less!
The answer is always, I dont know!
Maybe because everyone is a shady liar?!?!
and no one wants to have that conversation.
Dr. Joereallydoesnt want to have that conversation because he refers to Brendan as My Brendan.
Read the room, dude.
You have nowhere to go, and the women have the roses!
OOOOKKKAAYYYY!!!!
!
