Bachelor In Paradise
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BEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEP
THIS IS NOT A TEST.
THIS IS NOT A TEST.
THIS IS A WARNING FROM THE NATIONAL ROMANCE WEATHER SERVICE.
TWO SEVERE WEATHER SYSTEMS ARE SET TO COLLIDE OVER PARADISE.
SEEK HIGHER GROUND BECAUSE A DEMI-CANE IS COLLIDING WITH A TAHZ-NADO.
Is all of this really necessary?
Aint nobody stealingmen.Why would you steal something that is worthless?
And I just wanna watch hot people fall in love and sweat profusely.
This show needs to figure out who the fuck it is.
So youre either the Romance Show, or youre the Scheming Boyfriend-Stealing Bisexual Show.
Youve outdone yourself,Bachelor in Paradise.
Gimme more of that cute shit.
Lets get to it.
We pick up in Paradise wi OH HELL YEAH!
THE PARADISE INTRO PACKAGE!!!
The thing that brings true joy regardless of who or what is in it.
Shes fucking hot?!?!?!
Demi isliterallystirring a pot.
Its a little first thought, producers.
Tahzjuan is fanning herself with multiple fans and continues to be incredibly relatable.
Its a throw in of BOX!!!
Well, its another beautiful day in Paradise, and there are already plenty of couples starting to form.
Brendan and Natasha are sharing a banana and sharing chomping techniques.
Demi is greeting Joe Dirt by flashing her teeth and doing sexy girl faces.
Demi gets a date card and descends into Paradise.
I get to do what I want.
Everyone is totally freaked out.
Theyre like, Look at that sexy bitch.
I look fine as fuck right now.
Im gonna steal all their men.
Im gonna fuck shit up.
Steal my boyfriend oftwo days,Demi.
Its a flawless plan.
She sets her sights on Brendan because hes shy, but she can feel the sexual tension between them.
Does she thinksexual tensionjust means eye contact?
Brendan says, I had no idea you even existed before this moment.
Demi kisses Brendan despite getting zero signals.
Brendan pulls away and says he wants to keep his options open.
Demis reaction is that of someone who has literally never not gotten her way in any situation.
to the other contestants.
And this is a completely new wrinkle for Natasha.
Not only is Brendan on a date with Demi, but he may have a girlfriend.
Natasha pulls her veil over her eyes and returns her gaze to the sea.
She thinks he looks more like a Jordan, so maybe that should just be his name.
Maybe Victoria P. needs to focus her attention on Noah because he definitely looks like a Jordan.
Theres another date card on the beach, and its for Jessenia!
She picks Ivan, and he accepts before she can even finish the sentence.
This is high-octane cute.
Inject this shit into my fucking eyeballs.
They head out to have dinner while sitting in standing chlorinated water.
They talk about the reactions of the fandom to their seasons.
They make out in a pool.
She feels like a fucking idiot for a mild rejection.
Lady, hold on.
He told youimmediatelythat he was going to pursue other relationships and didnt lead you on in any way.
Demi then pouts and says, Im not entitled.
Different use of the word there, hun.
Pieper is going to show up TOMORROW.
We all can feel that, right?
Bitch, yall were never dating, and if you were, you broke up!
With all of that settled, its time for the rose ceremony.
Did anyone else secretly hope for the country-singer boyfriend to be revealed as Jed?
But its not the birth of Jed on a clamshell; its Tammy.
Tammy doesnt give a single solitary fuck when she decides that someone is a liar and a manipulator.
), but she didnt mention this relationship that happened a couple of months ago?
Victoria decides to confront Kelsey and Tammy, who brought this information to the beach.
Victoria P. decides to self-eliminate in this moment.
Demi decides to move in on James since his only option has left the beach.
To ask him if theyre going to have sex.
Time for the rose ceremony?!
Then come the wildcard roses.
Demi says, I feel like hell, and I hate it, while she waits for a rose.
Demi knows this is a ploy to make James give Kelsey a rose.
How does this ploy work, exactly?
The car door literally hits Victoria L. in the ass on the way out.
David Spade drives away in a van, and its time for a new guest host TOMORROW!!
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