Bachelor In Paradise
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Oh Oh Oh Oh.
My goddamnedgals.My gal pals on the beach.
Honestly, youve never looked better.
If youre on the beach right now, your body is banging, and youre killing it.
But I have to ask: Babies, what are you doing?
You dear, sweet, stupid, beautiful babies what on earth are you doing?
None of you have to do this.
Abigail, baby, what are you doing?
Thats not how this is supposed to work!
Becca, you were the Bachelorette and a pretty good one!
One who balanced a down-home vulnerability with big-city no-nonsense.
You do not have to show up on the beach in Paradise.
Thats not how this is supposed to work.
Girl, you cant fuck your way into a relationship.
Thats not how this is supposed to work!!!!!!
Everyone is having a terrible time.
Lets get to it.
Aaron and Thomas are still fighting.
Tammy apparently didnt know that making out with another guy in Aarons direct eyeline would cause drama.
Frankly, a naive drama monster is the most wholesome bang out of drama monster.
How dareth thou smooch mine mortal enemy on this palapa!
What happened in the search for Katies men?
Aaron says he cant believe Tammy would be so manipulative and dishonest and disrespect him so much.
He thinks everyone on the beach is looking at him with pitying eyes.
Does she even know whatpitymeans?!?!
Thomas is a bitch boy, and Tammy is irredeemable.
Nothing else to talk about.
Tammy realizes that her actions have consequences and breaks down crying because she never meant to hurt anyone.
Everything is fine, I guess.
So now its Rose Ceremony night, and Riley has written Maurissa a little rap.
Theres more to this relationship than amazing abs and the Boom Boom Room.
Theyve done that, and theyre going to attempt to make up for it RIGHT NOW.
Chasen gives Deandra a massage and a truly bonkers necklace.
Karl … ugh, okay.
Do you usually give roses to the people youre dating in formal ceremonies?
Nothing here is real!
That ocean is a green screen.
All those crabs in the sand?
Theyre production interns, my guy.
Chasen doesnt really have to say anything because Karl just starts spitballing sarcastic superhero names.
Deandra starts to think that maybe men … might be lying to her … to get what they want?
Also, Tre and Tahz break up?
Instead of having one discussion about that like adults, Tre is going to leave.
Tahz packs her suitcase in a sweaty, sobbing delirium.
Lance Bass arrives to deliver one more piece of information: Becca Kufrin has arrived in Paradise!
This is a total surprise that hasnt been teased in any way!
Becca arrives on the beach with a rose and amazing skin.
Is that snail cream?
Shes gotta let us know.
Every man who hasnt secured a rose suddenly has set his sights on the former Bachelorette.
Wells hosts the Rose Ceremony, and Lance Bass has ascended into that Guest-Host Cloud in the sky.
Wells also informs everyone that Tahzjuan isnt coming back.
And Becca gives her rose to Aaron.
Aarons breakfast order is six scrambled eggs with ham, bacon, and onion.
We gotta talk about Demi.
Maybe Demi told herself this.
Girl.Giiiiiiiiirl.This is some incredibly insecure 26-year-old logic.
I had sex with him, so what else should I have to do?
Im cool and sexy and fun, so of course that will ensure commitment.
Kenny sits Demi down to see how she would feel if Tia asked him on the date.
Demi talks to him through clenched teeth this entire conversation.
Maam, no pussy is that powerful.
Demi jokes that shes gonna kill Tia, but we all know … its not a joke.
Our brains have been addled bySex and the Cityand any Channing Tatum movie where he keeps his shirt on.
But I guess its time for Kenny and Tia to play nude volleyball with strangers.
ITS VERY WEIRD TO BE NUDE WHEN YOU DIDNT EXPECT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE YOU DONT KNOW!!!
No religious justification is needed.
Thats weird for everyone.
Back on the beach, theres one more entrance … Kendall.
Hahahaha, everyone is going to have aterrible time.
Except us, the viewers.
See you next week, Paradise!
