Bachelor In Paradise
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What isHAPPENINGon this beach, and why am I forced to deal with these second-rate grifters?
AND WHERE WAS THIS ENERGY LAST NIGHT FOR BRENDAN AND PIEPER?!?!?
Someone just step up.
Literally who are you?
Neither of you is talking like a real human, and we can all see through it.
Is Chris a Transformer?
Because when he talks about Alana, its All Spark.
That is a joke for literally seven people, and I hope they find their way to this recap.
Youve got nobody to ride for you on the beach, my dudes.
Where are your allies?
Where are your people?
Even Mari and Serena P. are still having breakfast with Pieper.
Lets get to it.
Its a new morning in Paradise, and Abigail says, Today is gonna be a great day.
You have cursed us.
Before things go completely to hell, we are greeted by the incomparable Tituss Burgess.
When he appeared, I just wrote the word SINGING!!!!!
More of this energy.
Can Tituss and Lance Bass just trade off in the future?
Its time we handBachelor in Paradiseover to the gays.
Its Alana, Chelsea, Alayah, and Mykenna!
This is a collection of women who were eliminated Week Six and under.
The I in VIP stands for Influencer.
Imagine attempting to seduce someone in San Diego.
He sits down with Alana and immediately makes out with her.
This is what happens when medium-hot men suddenly have options.
We must humble men.
I dont mean Men should be humble.
I mean we must debase men.
Jessenia is looking for the bathroom and sees Chris making out with Alana.
She stops and turns around and walks until she has ground her strappy neutral sandals into dust.
Do you wanna go back there?
Abigail intercepts Jessenia before she wades into the sea to let it carry her away.
This is a bad time to do this.
Then Alana strolls up and tries to flirtatiously steal him away.
This is a BAD TIME TO DO THIS.
The eternal thirst of this bitch.
Chris tries to come up with a reason why its not working with Jessenia and bitch, stop.
We must tear down men and the infrastructure that allows for them.
The entire party heads into another room to hear a concert from Acclaimed actress and singer Olivia Holt.
I didnt hate these songs!
Okay, Olivia Holt!
Jessenia walks out of the party, and the transportation back to ninth grade is complete.
Maurissa has a breakdown on the beach and calls herself stupid and says she wants to go home.
You win,Bachelor in Paradise.You got multiple women to have breakdowns over guys they met six days ago.
Apparently there are other people on the beach?!?!?!
Who have relationships and drama to figure out?!?!?!
Maris response is nuh-uh.
They tell each other that they would leave the beach together.
Wait … when did this happen?
Are they having feelings?
And expressing them in a mature way?
Oh lord, this is not what I signed up for!
Demi hides in her hair and breaks down crying.
Demi brings up the fact that Kenny had sex with her and shes such a fun time.
He also keeps saying he doesnt know what he did.
But before Chris can do anything, Alana arrives on the beach with a date card.
NOT NOW, ALANA.
Joe says, Dude, nobody cares.
Nobody hates you because nobody knows who you are.
Those words fueled me.
She tells him that he doesnt owe her anything and he already showed her who he is.
Everyone in Paradise is #TeamJessenia.
Reader, I cackled at this heavy-handed metaphor nature gave us.
Aaron, hey, the misogyny and righteousness is NOT flattering.
You literally went on a date with a runway model and youre laughing about your ex?
Im not mad at this.
After one not particularly convincing answer, Joe says, Bullshit!
Youre not making sense!
Rileys approach is more just telling him, No one likes you, so dont expect a pity party.
Riley also asks Chrism, If I go into your DMs, what is it gonna say?
Riley is LAWYERING, okay?!?!
Riley says, I believe you are a man with no honor, no respect, and no code!
The prosecution rests!!!
Jessenia says, No.
Riley says, Youre fine.
Thank you, though.
Someone cue up those guys dancing with the coffin because THIS BITCH HAS BEEN STRUCK DOWN.
Hahahahahahaha, this is delicious.
I will feast on this moment until the end of my days.
Chris tries to mend things with Alana, and shes like, What the actual fuck just happened?
And readers, this is when I passed away.
Imagine risking it all for this girl and shes like, Oh.
The cackle is coming from deep within me.
This is the cackle of my ancestors.
Is Chris the rapid-transit system serving Chicago and the surrounding suburbs?
Because the Ls just wont stop coming!
That is a joke for five people and I hope they find this recap.
Natasha ends the episode wondering if anyone is going to bring that energy to Brendan and Pieper.
Justice for Natasha!!!!
!
