Bachelor In Paradise
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AndBachelor in Paradiseis a 17th-century doctor applying a poultice of herbs to revitalize my HOT GOSS humor.
Id be demanding better decision-making!
Id be demanding literally one person talk to another person!
But Im suffering from lassitude and feeling melancholic.
Show me the men in their 30s and 40s making out with literal 23-year-olds.
Give me the HOT GOSS.
Lets get to it.
Im also LOVING that the first boom-boom room overnight was this early.
That is the absolute correct move.
Its the only room with air-conditioning and we all saw Rileys abs.
When the opportunity presents itself, you gotta grab it.
Were welcoming Chasen and …
I wanna say … Dorcus?
They give each other a little kiss on the forehead and walk in with a double-date card.
In a week where the women have the roses, Mari is absolutely in her rights to do this.
In the end, Chris asks Jessenia and Chasen asks Deandra to go on the date with them.
Oh fuck, is that somePure Moods Vol.
We gotta talk about the Bachelor Cinematic Universes reliance onfauxethnic-spiritual but also sexy dates.
These motherfuckers love a guru.
A guru that doesnt even get a chyron or an introduction.
Uh … thats not how that works.
Jessenia says that Ivan checks all the boxes, but Chris gives her the spark.
Ah yes, the Aiden-Big Paradox.
Shes convinced she wont fall for anyone but she still wants to do it.
These people are poets.
The idea that these very hot people have any game is a fiction.
Theyre just used to being in tiny clothing and telling each other, I wanna kiss you.
Well see how the day goes!?!??!?
Bitch, there are no plans.
No one is taking a snorkeling lesson at four.
Connor, its over.
(Pieper will definitely show up.)
Its the next day in Paradise and Joe gets a date card!
Shes 23 and she thought her first boyfriend was the one.
Youre asking the wrong questions.
They make out while wearing leotards.
Serena P.s rose is secure.
She tells Ivan that she has a spark with Chris and that cant be forced.
Its the truth, but its a little brutal.
Ivan is so hurt he walks away.
What is happening on this beach??!?!
Karl decides that now is the perfect time to reaffirm his affections for Deandra.
Everyone sits around the bonfire as Riley asks a series of sexual get-to-know-you questions.
Hes bringing AN ENERGY and Im here for it.
Kenny had sex on a trampoline.
Then Demi brings down a cake for Kenny.
It is a week where the women have the roses.
Do not bring menBAKED GOODSwhen they should be wooing you.
Do not give a man a pinata full of condoms when you are the one in control.
Make him set off on a scavenger hunt for female condoms and dental dams to impress you.
The men are not the prize.
Mari, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but the execution is way off.
Wait for Demi to be watching,thendestroy the symbol of her effort to steal Kenny.
The gesture has no meaning if theyre literally fucking while you do it.
Also, Tahzjuan is just screaming into the ocean for some reason.
Again, incredibly relatable.
If you might count on Tammy to do one thing, its to choose violence, bitch.
Give your woman a reason to not want to be seduced by a six-foot-six villain.
Its time for the cocktail party and there is a metaphorical and literal storm abrewing.
There is no subtext in Paradise.
Abigail and Serenas roses seem to be the only ones that are secure.
The guys walk in and immediately start to disappoint.
Kenny announces that he was led to Demi and hes feeling good pursuing a 26-year-old instead of a 28-year-old.
Why does everyone keep getting mad at Thomas for literally playing the game?!?!
Thomas also points out that Tammy kissed him.
Aaron says, Dont straddle-makeout and do everything but fuck in front of me, bro!
AND THUNDER CLAPS IN THE SKY!!!
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