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Mitch Hedbergwouldve been the greatest tweeter of all time.
Hedberg wouldve been 52 today.
I never watched his stand-up when he was alive.
In many ways, he never left.
The elements that made his work great have been fully internalized by the industry.
Hedberg permanently altered the syntax of stand-up comedy.
He never even broke a sweat.
Together, they serve as an excellent set in both 1999 or 2020.
Hedberg is going to be relatable until the sun explodes.
We should all be so lucky.
Ive got two straws in here, in case one breaks down.
Hedberg had a way of telling jokes that lodge themselves deep in your cognitive conditioning.
This one in particular will be with me for life.
Ive got two Diet Cokes, in case one breaks down.
Ive got two hot dogs, in case one breaks down.
Hedbergs brand of humor wasnt for everyone.
This line is my favorite example of that.
I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said Forget everything you know about slipcovers.
It was a load off my mind.
Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers and I didnt know what the hell they were.
Were gonna guess that Hedberg didnt know a ton about slipcovers in the first place.
I had a paper route when I was a little kid; I was a paperboy.
I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses, or two dumpsters.
In all likelihood, this joke is a perfect representation of Hedbergs childhood.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house.
This CD is going to be in stores.
To Mitchs posthumous relief, nobody has any CDs in stores in 2020.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes.
Its like, Dude, you have to wait.
I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool.
It was 30 seconds long.
Because thats the maximum amount of time you could depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool.
Just like Norm Macdonald, sometimes Hedbergs best punchlines were identical to the set-ups.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow.
An arrow killed you?
They would never solve the crime: Look at that dead guy.
Lets go that way.
Look at that dead guy, lets go that way would be an excellentLaw & Ordersubtitle.
I used to do drugs.
I still do, but I used to, too.
Mitch was always so open about his drug problems, which makes revisiting his work a strangely melancholy experience.
Especially when the jokes are as good as this one.
Im staying in a hotel right now.
Theres no 13th floor because of superstition.
But come on man, the people on the 14th floor, you know what floor youre really on.
I hear Hedberg saying this whenever I step on an elevator.
Its totally ruined the psychological care of the fake 14th floor.
I dont have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
He never did seem like an Apple Watch guy.
I like rice.
Rice is great when youre hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
So 2,000 is actually a bit of a low-balling here.
Whenever I walk, people venture to hand me out flyers.
This is the joke that made my dad a diehard Mitch Hedberg fan.
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper.
Well, then they fucked up!
Hedberg was on my side.
This shirt is dry-clean only, which means its dirty.
Ten words that lead to a ten-second applause break.
I hate turtlenecks, man.
A turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy.
Hedberg, naturally, spent most of his career onstage in a variety of extremely loose-fitting button-downs.
I dont have a girlfriend.
I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
This is the What are we?
talk atomized to two clauses.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut.
We dont need to bring ink and paper into this.
This remains one of Hedbergs most well-known bits.
The only difference is in 2020, you might get atextof a receipt for a doughnut.
I like the escalator, man.
Because the escalator cannot break.
It just becomes stairs.
This particular koan has become the Hedberg marquee joke.
Im sick of following my dreams, man.
Im just going to ask them where theyre going, and hook up with them later.
Mitchs career seemed to play out exactly like this.
Nobody seemed to work less at being funny.
